Published on May 3, 2013
Antoine Dodson reckons he's straight, Dzhokhar Tsaernev's buddies chuck out his laptop and Vaseline, police in CT find 300 gallons of urine, is there room for 2 popes in the Vatican?
90 Second Morley Report - May 2nd
Three of Dzhokhar Tsaernev's friends were arrested yesterday, after they threw out his potentially incriminating laptop, as well as fireworks and a jar of vaseline. Now while that was undeniably a stupid thing to do, there isn't a 19 year old male in the world who if he disappeared, wouldn't want his friends to throw out his laptop and jar of vaseline. Besides, that vaseline is... no good any more.
Police in Connecticut found 300 gallon jugs, filled with urine, in a vacant home yesterday after investigating reports of unusual activity in the area. The police have not yet determined whether they will file charges against Mountain Dew for operating a factory out of a vacant home.
Antoine Dodson of the viral video "Bed Intruder" fame has publicly renounced homosexuality, declaring that he is now straight. So you might say you oughtta "hide yo kids, hide yo wife"... because you don't want them to hear this stupidly embarrassing news.
And finally, the Pope Emeritus moved back into the Vatican yesterday, marking the first time two Popes have lived in the Vatican at once. In our last 10 seconds here are 10 things the two popes can do, now they live together:
Make awkward eye contact
Broom lightsaber duel
Tell each other secrets
Become tag team champions of the world
Braid each others hair
Gossip about how nobody understands