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Author Jean Palmer Heck reviews the Tough Talks™ CHECK® system and how it applies to difficult discussions with an aging parent about Alzheimer's.
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Difficult conversation scenario: aging parent with Alzheimer's
This is a true story about author Jean Palmer Heck's experience in dealing with aging parents. She explains how the Tough Talks™ CHECK® system was used by the senior citizen counselor to make the conversation easier.
"My father in-law was in the middle stages of Alzheimer's Disease. And he didn't quite know who my husband was. He thought he was some nice man who came and took care of him and had a really great business visiting elderly people in the nursing home.
"How my father in-law got into the home for Alzheimer's was an absolute miracle, and it went so smoothly I can't even believe it. I didn't realize it at the time, but when I was writing the book, Tough Talks™ in Tough Times: What Bosses Need to Know to Deliver Bad News, Motivate Employees & Stay Sane, I realized that the senior counselor followed the CHECK® system!
"Let me explain it. Alzheimer's patients cannot process information. Let's take the example of washing clothes. There are multiple steps in doing the laundry. This can be overwhelming for an aging parent who had health issues. You have to sort the clothes, put a load in the washing machine. And then you have to turn the dial to the right setting, followed by putting the detergent in. After that, you have to pull the button or dial on the machine and close the lid. When the laundry is done, you open the lid, take the clothes out, put them in the dryer, etc.
"How many steps are there? 15 steps? The senior citizen counselor said an Alzheimer's patient can handle three steps, and three steps only.
"She said, 'When you talk to him about moving him into this nursing home, you need to keep it simple. You need to take your issues, your emotions, everything and put them out of the way. Know when to talk, and when not to talk.'
"So she suggested that we talk to him and say, 'Dad, we know you don't like doing the laundry. Gary, my husband, can't be there to do the laundry and cook for you everyday. But there's a place where they do the laundry for you and feed you.'
"Three sentences, and then we shut up. We kept our emotions in check. And he said, 'I'd like to see that place.' ...
"After we toured the facility, we discussed the financial arrangements with the senior counselor. My father-in-law got in the conversation and asked, 'If I signed a long-term lease here, would you give me a better rate?'
"The counselor said 'Yes, Mr. Heck, we will.'
"And he said, "That's great. Where do I sign?"
"My father in-law checked himself into a home for Alzheimer's patients.
"When I looked back on it and it was the CHECK® system. We had clarity about that message. What did we want to accomplish? We wanted to get dad in a home for Alzheimer's patients because we couldn't take care of him from Indiana. We learned how to say it - the senior counselor taught us how to say it, limiting it to three sentences. The emotions - we learned how so many emotions about this discussion, about this conflict, had to do with all those layers of what we thought about putting our father in a nursing home, about the end-of-life issues, about all of those things that just tear you apart. The c, the comprehension - it wasn't about what we said, it was about what he understood. Did he understand it? Yes because she told us how to say it. And the k is the kickoff - this wasn't the end of a discussion, this wasn't the end of an issue. This was a change in our situation with life with elderly parents.
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