Published on Apr 14, 2012
• Titanic II -- Laughably terrible mess, awful effects, 1/10.
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Born in February 1986, Jonathan Paula is a professional YouTuber and creator of the hit web series, "Is It A Good Idea To Microwave This?". In April 2006 he founded Jogwheel Productions, a new media production company that specializes in web video. He has been reviewing films since 2003, and professionally since 2009. Jon graduated from Emerson College in 2008 with a degree in Television Production / Radio Broadcasting. He currently lives in Rockingham, NH with his wife Rebecca.
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~~ Review Script ~~
This direct-to-DVD disaster film with poorly written, directed, and starring Shane Van Dyke -- in what I can only assume is a pathetic attempt to cash in on his famous grandfather's name - was released in August of 2010, having been produced for a ridiculously low cost of only $500,000 - which is less than what it cost to produce 30-seconds of Cameron's Titanic. The story here is laughably derivative, and simple: on the 100th anniversary of the famed ocean liner's original voyage, a similar-looking ship, Christened the SS Titanic II, retraces her original maiden voyage, in reverse direction, and surprise -- get hit with a tsunami (caused by an iceberg), and begins to sink. Academy and Emmy nominated actor Bruce Davison foolishly lends his name to the picture, but thankfully, keeps himself off-screen for most of the obnoxiously bad stuff in the movie. Former Baywatch cast-member Brooke Burns stars as the only intelligent person in the movie, but when she's surrounded by such stupidity, her characteristics are entirely washed out. The effects in Titanic II are not only badly, cheaply, and hastefully done, they're terrible to the point of insulting -- with the former steam liner, and present-day floating museum Queen Mary standing in for a ship twice her size... and one not permanently docked next to a Russian submarine in Long Beach, California. Tacky-looking reception halls with low-ceilings are unbelievable stand-ins for the supposed luxury cruise. Noticeably fake sound effects, and unmotivated camera angles try to hide the fact that there's than 10 people in any single scene. Carefully avoiding any unnecessary effects shots, nearly every substantial scene takes place in interior rooms, where there aren't any windows -- but when the ship finally does begin to sink, the passengers, portrayed by underpaid extras, slowly trot past Queen Mary's real-life gift-shop with no seeming concern for their well-being. Doing his best not to laugh, no-doubt, one character informs the captain that "history is repeating itself". Terrible acting, editing, effects, and pacing aside - Titanic II, is technically speaking, a 90-minute movie... with action, suspense, tension, and a three-act structure... that occasionally reaches actual levels of entertainment and watchability - sadly though, only in the unintentional sense. A classic "so-bad-it's good" stlye picture, the climatic final moments don't have our hereos clutching to the stern as it slowly sinks into the icy Atlantic... but rather dicking around with an oxygen tank in a storage closet, as it slowly fills with water. A terribly made film in every possible facet, this film is only enjoyable ironically, and best experienced with a group of rowdy friends. "Titanic II", is a "Laughably terrible mess, awful effects."
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