LEAVE RONALD MCDONALD ALONE!

American Idol and Dancing With the Stars fans, rejoice! In a move which may upstage both the Oscars and Grammys next year, the Nobel Prize committee this week announced two new categories of awards in dancing and musical performance. These awards will replace the annual awards given in Economics and Physics, according to Hines Hanson, Nobel committee chairperson. "We're number one," Hanson told a roaring crowd attending a monster truck rally in Stockholm. Projections for soft drink sponsor revenue alone for the first awards extravaganza, to be hosted by Uma Thurmann and Sir Elton John, already exceed the GNP of many Latin American countries. "If there is continued demand for it," Hanson declared, "maybe next year we'll drop the Literature prize too, and replace it with Hair and Makeup." Nominated for the first Nobels are all the usual faces, plus Pamela Anderson. In an ironic twist, the final Nobel Prize for Genetics is going to Dr. Carson Swalensky for his pioneering work in cloning Hollywood mega stars.

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Meanwhile, across the street from the Beverly Hills Church of Scientology, a SWAT team today burst in on a gathering of the INNER CIRCLE, a secret and selective group of actors, singers, models, designers, and talk show hosts who have sworn allegiance to the cell's God. Under interrogation, actress Calista Flockhart shared her group's goals. "We intend to rid the world of anyone not on the hot list. If you can't afford Fendi and Gucci, and people don't know who you are, you're not really alive anyway, and therefore you shouldn't be polluting a beautiful planet which we, in fact, own. Am I right?" Sixteen canisters of Serin gas were found on the premises, along with assorted land mines, rocket launchers, Stinger missiles, and crates of poisoned Poison perfume. In addition, it was learned that God's bodyguard--Kevin Costner--had been promised a return to the A list from the dreaded C list once he completed his mission in Wichita against "those who are not even on the Z list." When it was suggested that God herself was now on the Z list herself, Costner first seemed stunned by the blasphemy, then whispered, "Hey, maybe there's a place for me and Harrison in the Trinity, after all?" Raising his voice, then, Costner added, "Ally be praised!" Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment. http://www.amazon.com/Who-Moved-My-TV-ebook/dp/B0043XXDC2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&...

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Comedy

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