Childbirth Song

Parody written by Helen Austin and performed at Voices Three 2007, a concert that raised $3000 for Hospice.

I have had several requests for lyrics...so here they are and thanks to all for watching!!

Childbirth Song

You've bags under your eyes
You've got boobs to your knees
Your hand's full of poo and your bra's full of cheese
Your stomach is bloated your clothes do not fit
He still wants sex while you feel like shit
He begs for this favour not long after labour
It's like eating a meal after you've just been sick

And the boys at the office tell him I should give him what he wants
To this I say that they're a bunch of lalalalalalala

You bastard you cocked up it's you got me knocked up
Just cos you want me to have bigger tits
You're pleading, you're pining
Oh please stop your whining
You're not getting sex 'til the kid's 26

You say you want another child, another pregnancy
When you can poo a watermelon I'll agree

I could have been someone if you just hadn't come (along)
If I hadn't been so drunk and I'd said maybe
We'd be going out and stuff, now there's foreceps up my chuff
Pulling the head of a screaming 10lb baby

And the mums on Hornby Island* say keep breast feeding 'til they're four
If I do I won't have nipples anymore

And all the doctors told me that I'd need a stitch or ten
I say sew me up so I can't do this again.

*an island nearby with a reputation for being very wholesome!

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

• childbirth
• comedy
• funny
• song
• pregnant
• guitar
• baby
• helen
• austin
• comedian
• standup
• pregnancy
• songwriter
• birth
• parody

[AddyB1996]

Havnen't watched this in ages and i am a bloke and this make me laugh still !!!

[heleneaustin]

@AddyB1996 then my work is done :)

[BrokenPromises1991]

makes me laugh everytime

[heleneaustin]

@BrokenPromises1991 :)

[Fearnan12]

just shared this with 100 other very heavily pregnant women and we all love it! thank you sooooo much :D due baby girl no3 in a month and husband is definately getting the snip asap ahaha

[heleneaustin]

@Fearnan12 thanks for sharing.... and good plan ;)

[phie1977]

I gave birth to my beautiful Benjamin 2weeks and 6days ago and found this song so amusing I nearly wet myself (better crack on with the pelvic floor exersices)

I have also sent it to my husband as a subtle hint that he WILL be getting snipped for my christmas present.

Lol!!!!! Now going to watch some of your other songs.

Thanks for making me smile while having my nipples chewed off. X

[strikerk]

Here are the lyrics to my Childbirth song, ahem...:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH~~~~! FUCKFUCKFUCK! GODDAMIT GAAAAAAAAAH~ YOU MUTHERFUCKING COCK SUCKING GYAAAAAAAAAH~ OH GOOOOD~! OHGODOHGOD WHY!? URRRRRRGH FUMUFUGUDDAAAAAAAHHH~~~WHYYYY~­!!!? OH GOOOOO WHYYYY~~~AAAAAAAAH....AH....oh­....oh gah, jees...oh....oh my~ she's...she's beautiful!

[shushorchid]

What did she say at 1.56 and at 2.06...?...I couldn't figure it out...she was cracking up so much...!...I love it...but don't even know what she said...can someone please tell me...?... :)

[KimieJayne]

funny as hell

i agree but still want more lol 

[Taliesynful]

Finally something to explain to my other half why he's not coming near me until our daughter is 18 lol ( she's 17 months old!) x

[TheHudsonNZ]

This video is the only reason I haven't start begging my husband for number 2 ;) Good work

[heleneaustin]

@friswell1 thank you so much!!! :)