Help Me Edit My Poem

i get so much love from everyone here on YouTube so i trust all the people who encourage me here to help me edit this poem. i don't even mind if i don't know you. if you can lend some help, please do. anyways, this poem is called Omnipresent Night. it is inspired by the struggles i was going through at the time i wrote it. i wrote it to not only stand alone as a poem, but to also fit into one verse of a three verse hip hop track. i feel it still is a bit awkward. the lyrics are written below and i will be changing them as i get good advice so it will differ from the written performance slightly. that will be good for comparing and changing it back if need be. the frantic meter that is ever-changing is intentional. i'd appreciate critiques on the meter too. i am a beginner when it comes to focusing on meter, but i've been writing "poetry" for a while. i like using my meter to help me tell the story, not just as a stagnate beat (iambic pentameter = boring). anyways, here are the lyrics:

Flickering flames loom in the darkness.
The damp air greets the skin.
A dead end lies ahead once again.
Demented squeals of bats nearby us,
Their rabid fangs, their scalding glares.
The rancid mist that stands the hairs;
Festers in the black abyss.
The loud growl of beasts in the dark,
Pounding hard, the thudding heart.
The roiled ground shakes the dust,
From walls spreading through the air.
Spider webs clinging to skin and moist hair.
The tingle of the omnipresent night,
While the walls begin closing in,
Until no life remains within,
And even the sun makes it's way out of sight.

Category:

People & Blogs

Tags:

• advice
• personals
• wisdom
• rap
• hip
• hop
• poetry
• poem
• omnipresent
• night

[Nyhee7]

Okay, if you really want editing advice, here goes. By the way, i like the horror theme of this poem. Line 2's visual is somewhat repeated in line 12 minus the spider webs. And the last line about the sun takes out of the claustrophobic room, thus spoiling the effect of all the lines above it. I would rework line 8, for the word dark is too common, and we already feel the darkness. (growl of beasts somewhere apart)? Okay, please let me know if this was helpful.

[andylaw31]

hmm, i dont honestly think poems full of such ambiguous description e.t.c. are so good, i like a poem that makes its message/narrative strand obvious. so i suppose im unqualified to have much of an opinion on this particular poem...

-andy law

[n2cora]

lol!!!---i know EXACTLY what you are feeling---been there, done that!---but i'm saying: you will read Poe eventually, and believe me when i tell you, compare to what you are doing in our modern times, although Poe has his place, but he's not near a (hiphop) poet as you are!

[eboyd32]

on the contrary, i love good poetry, no matter who wrote it or what it is about. it would be a delight for me to read Poe and i'd feel like i'm missing out if i don't.

[n2cora]

lol!!! if you are not FORCED to read poe, you are in good shape---you really don't want to go there!

[eboyd32]

very much so. although i haven't read too much Poe (i am ashamed of myself :( !!!!!). i am going through a rough time right now though and i wanted to express how i feel. that is the purpose of this poem.

[n2cora]

ah! that's what i thought--you ARE trying to write of the 'darkness of edgar allen poe'! (i told i like poetry and literature)--i don't know a lot about hiphop, but i can tell a style anywhere--especially of "dark" writers like poe, hemingway, tolstoy or merritt!

[eboyd32]

no problem. i'd love to read some of your stuff. you should join our group. we share poetry and other literature there. i think you will like it if you are into poetry. you can ask for help editing and such too. that was the purpose of this video in fact; to ask for help editing. sometimes only an outside eye can help you see what is wrong with your poetry because we tend to be biased to our own writing. the group is youtube/group/wordsmith.

[1dontlook2]

Wow, I'm sorry, I never thought about it that way. :(

I'm a poet actually myself and if I was told that then I would take it much worst. A poet is suppose to express themselves as specific as possible and I guess I didn't pay attention to what you were trying to do, forgiveness?

(P.S. If you want to read any of my poems then just tell me, you can even give me a topic then I can send it to you or just make a new one.)

[eboyd32]

like? it was meant to be a bit of a horrible visual you know, don't you?