Letters to an Asexual #5

This is #5 of a series in which I read correspondence between me and people who have questions, comments, or--more often--misconceptions about asexuality. I don't have a set number of these I'm going to do, and I imagine I'll continue to get material for them as life goes on, but I currently have quite a backlog, so you can expect material to last for some time at least. :)

This one features two YouTube commenters who wonder why I bother making these videos. I tell you. In detail.

Category:

Nonprofits & Activism

Tags:

• asexual
• asexuality
• celibacy
• aven

[puchigoth]

I am open about my asexuality at home and while no one is against it, my mother thinks that I want to be so different that I've gone beyond being bisexual (which seemed to be a trend in middle school) to something even more unique. I'm not sure how to explain to her that I don't do it to be different, I just am the way I am.

[swankivy]

@puchigoth Eh, we use words to describe what we feel. If you continue to feel no attraction to anyone and therefore don't pursue sexual relationships, your family will have their answer. I sympathize with how you feel about the mother comment though. I've experienced people pretty close to me suggesting that I just want attention because of what I do, and while I do of course get attention when I do some of these things, I find it offensive and dismissive to be told I'm an attention whore.

[gastronomist]

"If you're not having sex, what's there to talk about." Instead of defining your orientation negatively according to what you are NOT doing, you should define it positively according to what you are doing. You should get a t-shirt that says "I do things other than sex". That would be more empowering.

[swankivy]

@gastronomist Haha . . . well, while that is true, everyone else does stuff other than sex too, and I think pointing out how I spend my life pursuing passions other than sexual ones tends to exacerbate people's misconception that asexuals are claiming to be "better" or "above" supposed "base" sexual desires. I don't think of sexual desires as base at all. Asexuality is defined as lack of sexual attraction, but you're right that it's still a collection of positive experiences.

[swankivy]

@JSA19882007 Well thanks for the well-stated, well-supported opinion, man. I can see you must have a legitimate point!

[swankivy]

@ezekieloak I'm actually not sure what you're getting at here, but no, I am not expecting anyone to say "my instinct is wrong." I'm willing to live and let live here, and I guess the answer is that if they aren't willing to do the same, they must feel that people who don't breed are in some way a threat. Evolutionarily, I suppose shunning those who don't/can't breed can result in an incentive to do so.

[gastronomist]

I don't think it would imply that you are involved in something higher or less base. But just to be sure, maybe your t-shirt could say "I do things other than but not necessarily better than sex".

[ezekieloak]

@swankivy Oh! Well wow, what an interesting idea there! Your idea, I mean. Cruel as it might be. Quite possible and empirically testable, too. But wait, unethically testable, so nevermind.

And and and, wait... I'm thinking maybe the converse could happen encouraging 'the breeders' to quiet their mad interactions to increase the quality of life rather than bang out mere quantity, no? Possible?

Now we're talking!

What I was meaning was just this! See how fruitful an open mind can be?

[ezekieloak]

@swankivy Right, I'm aware of that. You've got your reaction down and well practiced, we can see that, but you're failing to address the important question that I'm insisting you address: "Why?"

You're not addressing in an evolutionarily respectful way the function of this aggression toward non-sexuals and homo-sexuals. How in the hell can y'all (from both 'sides') be so daft and dismissive? Are you really expecting them to say, "My instinct is wrong." when you're not willing to do the same?

[swankivy]

@ezekieloak It's true that historically humans have had to highly revere reproduction (which of course involves sex), and the terms levied against women who can't or don't breed were among the worst insults in the language. The women were pitied but also reviled--some of that is still alive today even though we KNOW as a species not every one of us has to reproduce in order to have our species be successful. We can help our species in non-reproduction-related ways which are also valid.

[swankivy]

@ezekieloak I think if they can just calm down and realize that I am not attacking sex itself or trying to take it away from them, they'll get over it. People use sexuality and relationships to form their human relationships so exclusively and so focusedly that they have trouble processing people who do it differently. I think it's natural to be dismayed (at first) if someone else rejects something you find essential to your being, but they have to trust me to make my own choices about life.