http://www.LeeBobBlack.com
"Lights, Idiots, Intimacies"
Some old and cheap cars only have
one communal warning light.
When this tiny red light in your dashboard
shines and blinks,
it means:
WARNING!
Your brake fluid is perilously low
and your brakes might not work
and you might die!
Or it means:
WARNING!
Your engines overheating
and your car might explode!
But how can you determine the lights actual message?
You cant.
The cars brain monitors
dozens of different things, but the
light only
warns you that somethings wrong, not what.
These are called idiot lights--because
you dont have to be a mechanic to
know that somethings wrong;
even an idiot can understand that.
When the idiot light flickers, you have options.
You can pull over and tinker under the hood.
Or: You can drive straight to a repair shop.
Or: You can drive on, and turn the radio on,
and stick masking tape
over the problem--the light itself.
Im a lazy son of bitch.
But I enjoy
inversing this self-negative
by claiming that Im not indolent, that Im really
just a risk-taker.
Id rather roll the dice and risk running the car
to within an inch of its life
than service it.
Preventative care for my wheels?
Not bloody likely.
I dont floss.
I walk across streets with my
headphones blaring and Ive never
had health insurance.
And what if the idiot light is winking red
because the cars brain is a hypochondriac
and it merely believes
theres a (nonexistent) problem?
Maybe the red lights telling me that the
gas cap
isnt screwed on tight enough. I mean, who fuking cares?
Some so-called problems dont need fixing.
In my relationship with my girlfriend,
the idiot light occasionally comes on--
WARNING!
--and I know, goddamn it,
that I should shut the fuk up,
that I should disengage from the argument,
that I should breathe deeply and
return to a centered state.
In those girlfriend-boyfriend moments when I
intuitively know/feel that somethings amiss,
even though I cant put my finger on it, I know/feel
that Im at a crossroads.
I can go left or go right.
Or: I can choose to continue or choose to stop.
And Im not just talking about that particular argument.
Im talking about the whole relationship enchilada.
When the relationship idiot light
blinks red in the corner of my vision, I know that
I need
to be compassionate to myself and to her,
that if I
escalate the fight
or
push how Im right
and demonstrate how shes
not only intellectually irrational
but shes also emotionally irrational,
then Ill just get
more frustrated and angrier and
become more of an
unlistening,
inconsiderate
asshole
and something untoward
will happen, like
Ill throw something, maybe a fist or two
into a door or
into an otherwise gorgeous girlfriends face.
Sometimes the relationship idiot light
tells me that
I should stop trying to disprove her points, that
I should stop dissecting her motivations and explanations, that I should leave the room,
down a glass of cold water,
go for a quick dash-walk round the hood, and
listen to the Eagles of Death Metal
with my headphones on full blare
and walk across streets
without checking for oncoming traffic
and I should fantasize about headlining in
classy women-positive
Babeland-endorsed porn
and I should
reassure myself by
telling myself
sweet nothings like, It must be hard to
be a woman. Im so glad
I was born with a dick.
But maybe Im completely misreading the
relationship idiot light.
What if I believe that its shining and blinking
because somethings wrong with her,
but its really on
because somethings way wrong with me?
Maybe its urging me to admit that
Im sorry.
What if its got nothing to do with right and wrong,
but that theres something
new to learn here?
What if its actually a relationship intimacy light?
Might it be trying to tell us that were
rubbing up against
our vulnerabilities?
What if the lights reminding us
that we can be sensitive and merciful here, now?
What if the light actually means that if I
stay here with her, then our relationship might be fuller?
What if its on to specifically reject the idea that
this particular argument should be interpreted as an
emotional problem
or an
emotional end,
that instead its shining to tip us off that this is an
emotional opportunity,
an emotional start?
* * * * *
Poem written and read by Lee Bob Black.
Tara DePorte is in the background.
Location: Woodstock, New York.
The original poem uses spacing and italics--none of which, unfortunately, shows in this YouTube Description textbox.
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