A SWIFT Return

DWheat's return to stand-up after an 11-month break (7/13/2007-6/11/2008). Filmed at Cralle Theater (Bellarmine) by Kyle Arey. Good times.

*The sound sucks, so here's the script below me, best I remember it--may not be exact words*

It's been 11 months, so bear with me. My show is titled "A SWIFT Return", but I won't name all of my acts after the hall like George Foreman names his kids.
I love Mass, especially when the priests use that rattle to spritz holy water on ya. They're like squirt guns for the ordained. Another thing you notice before the mass if you're a server. The robes the servers wear look like white Bill Belichick's hoodies. Lent is rough during school days. It's the one time of year I crave lunch meat. My cravings are akin to most pregnant women during the winter months. Driving tests were easy; driving in reality—there's no test for that. They don't teach ya "back out into a three-way intersection from your driveway" in driver's ed. Northern KY's the worst at experiencing bad driving. Usually, when lights are red, people STOP. Not in the NKY, uh-uh. Red means slow down, yellow means go, and green means hit Seth from Superbad with a Crown Vic. There are things I thought I'd never learn at GSP, like how to unstuck a washing machine. Most people ask for help and someone gets the keys, or you use a new one. That makes too much sense for me. (mimic kicking the machine) Only drawback to that adrenaline rush? When you kick a washing machine, you can't fall asleep right away. Not possible. Of course, that's the true experience of GSP. 5 hours of sleep, unbearably hot, but it's totally worth it.
Boone was rather strange. I wish people would exhibit crowd control. Boone County was terrible at that. If the spaces were more airtight, I would've had to spend another quarter in order for the frog to cross the street. (mimic game). Boone was rather strange. Someone (I) got ejected from a basketball game Speaking of the basketball game, do you remember a few years back when Mike Davis ran out onto the court in the IU/UK game? That's pretty much how it went down. Could fit right in with coaching there...Bobby Knight hurls chairs onto the court, Kelvin Sampson needs unlimited texting plans...craziness. I'm not sure how to end this, so I'll just do the SWIFT Dance for old times sake.

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

• swift
• return
• d-wheat
• dwheat
• comedy
• gsp
• showcase
• one
• year
• reunion