Saying Goodbye to "Yourself"

Do I feel like I am somehow ending the person I was?

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Tags:

• transgender
• transsexual
• girl
• transition
• LGBT
• MTF
• woman
• vlog
• karmatic1110
• lesbian
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• life
• goodbye

[dsun89]

It's almost as if I feel guilty that *he* had to die in order for me to emerge. Like why couldn't I just have split off from him and have him live a life of his own? Like you were saying, sounds crazy, but it's not! He was a good guy!

[karmatic1110]

Exactly!

[ChevalierMalFete]

Amazing- great topic. I'm not nearly as far along this path as you are- and this scares the hell out of me. Is the synthesis of the old me and the me that's coming a myth, a symptom of denial and fear, or is it possible? I've talked about this with my therapist- but it still sticks in my mind. How are you so okay with it all- you blow me away.

[karmatic1110]

Well I realized that I am the same person and circumstances around me are the only thing that REALLY changed.

[cheeseit126]

i know exactly what the both of you are talking about

woooh im not crazy!!!

other people have actually had to choose

one of their multiple identities like me

[karmatic1110]

Well the male identity existed as a construct, so I didn't chose anything really. I just let go of that fake person...however I did have understandable attachment to some of the great dynamic relationships I did have.

[packamacka]

What you describe is the journey that mystics go through - the death of the false self..Its a painful but necessary process. It feels like a death but its the liberation of your true self. It may upset a lot of people but you have to find your own inner peace, your happiness. In some way you are going through that process and moving towards love, not away from it. You are courageous.

[HereKittyKittyno1]

thanks for sharing. it's a great insight to my own feelings and helps put perspective on how I feel about myself becoming someone I'm not...by that I mean I'm becoming who I am on the inside... on the outside. I appreciate sharing your feelings and experiences.

[controlfunction]

I realise this is a couple of years ago now but this was pretty dam awesome.

[Sooosseee]

I welcome the final goodbye to my former self. Noit that I especially disliked him but he was then and Susie is now if that makes any sense whatsoever.

[SNIDERDC]

I'm torn though because from my perspective I can finally be the way I used to be. However, my family and friends connect my male image with my personality (all of it from childhood through my teens). It's so hard explaining to them that I feel this way about myself and knowing what I have to do. I feel guilty because, even though I understand that at the most fundamental level I'm the same, the people I love view "me" as the person they have seen for the past 19yrs. It's terrible. :(

[SNIDERDC]

I'm not very far along yet. Still in therapy actually. This is what I'm having the most trouble with. I have always been the real me. My gender dysphoria has changed me unfortunately before therapy I was becoming more and more angry, depressed, and introverted. My mom would ask me, "what happened to the outgoing & happy little boy she used to know". I would tell her he is trapped but before I came out that was all I could say.

[tbear2327]

This was posted a year ago, but gee, what a heartfelt message from urself to urself. I welled up with tears cos I could relate 2 u as exactly this is going 2 happen 2 me. Some friends will not b joining me on my journey & I will miss them. & yes, he has got me thru a lot of shit in my life & hung in there. It's a pity that he, who IS a good person has 2 die so that I may survive. Oh God, I have a lump in my throat now just thinking about it.

A truely beautiful video, but oh so sad.

Rachael

[Akkra0]

Oh god I'm filling up now... well dealt with karmatic and very moving.

[crazyhotte723]

You know I always wondered that about transexuals. If they missed their old selves. I like girls but I also like boys. Sort of confused at times. Thank you for making this video.

[sbflash311]

Jennifer Finney Boylan titled her transition memoir "She's Not There." I think if I wrote one it would be titled "I'm Still Here."

[mybruteunconscious]

This made me cry reflecting on myself