No one will ever understand how much it hurts

Please read....
It's like you're screaming, but no one can hear.
You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you are nothing.

It has been two years. Two terribly long, hard, emotionally exhausting years. I often feel like I am screaming, treading in water but I can not move; I cannot breathe. I feel helpless.

Two years ago my incredible trainer, Steven, passed away. I am sure you might know the story to some extent by now and I can't repeat what happened again for my own sanity, but two years ago he left this earth. He was more than a trainer; he was a friend, he was a mentor, he was family, he was a hero. We did everything together. He would put me on horses and I would go to barns with him to look at horses. He was also a farrier and he even showed me how to trim a horse. He was my best friend. Without him I am nothing. Nothing.

When he passed, I spent the whole night in the barn crying. That was his barn, his home, the barn was him. For some reason I felt like if I stayed in the barn he would come back, but that never happened. Somedays I still expect him to walk in and give me a hug but deep down I know the truth. I still cry every day for him. I miss him more than any words can even begin to describe. I want him home. As I am passing these mile stones in my life, I can't help but mourn. I have been auditioning for the chance to play with the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra (side by side concert) for five years now. I just made it in this year and was so happy. But I remember Steven saying to me after one audition that someday he knows I will make it in and when I do he will be in the front row of that concert hall. But now.... I am afraid that when this concert happens I will look out and expect to see him sitting there, but he won't be. And I know he won't be, but my mind cannot grasp that concept. These past years have been so hard, every time anything happens I wish that he was here to witness it. But now I feel like nothing.

I want him back more than anything, I would give my life to have my best friend back. I am nothing. In these two years I have learned more about life than some do in a hundred. I have learned all you need to know in life and that is to live. Live it. Live it live it live it. You are here to live your life to it's fullest. You say you want to change the world, do something big? Me too, we can do that by simply being here and living it. If we live our lives, we do what we love and we can change this world through passion. I have learned that you need to love, you never know what you have until it is taken out from underneath you in a blink of an eye. Then it's gone. I never got the chance to say goodbye to Steven. He had given me a lesson that morning, normally I say thank you and everything after my lessons but he had to hurry off to shoe a horse. I figured I will just tell him tomorrow because I will be out first thing in the morning. Tomorrow never came and I never got to say thank you. That is what kills me. I never got a tomorrow to say what I needed to say yesterday. Guys, trust me on this one, I am begging you to live like there is no tomorrow because for me, there wasn't. That was the day that my world stopped turning. Steven never got a tomorrow.

When I am in the barn, I feel Steven there. I feel his presence and when I look into Joker's eyes, I see Steven. I feel him with me, there are angels, I know one. He is right there riding along with me and for those few moments in my life, I feel at peace. When I play my violin or piano I am talking to Steven. Each note is a sound sent up to heaven. I was playing the violin solo of a beautiful piece called Ashokan Farewell and during the solo I started to cry. The tears streamed down my face. Usually when you cry your heart sinks, you can feel it in your chest sink. Well, this day I felt mine lift, my heart lifted. I was not crying of sadness, I was crying of peace. That was literally the first time in two years I had felt at complete peace and ease. Somehow I knew Steven had heard the voice of my violin in that song, I felt it. Never ever has a song made me feel the way that one did. It spoke, it really did. It spoke things that for the past few years I have been trying to say in words but could never do so. And when I was done playing, I wiped my tears, looked up to the sky and sighed. Steven had heard, Steven knew.

So this video is for Steven.

Steven,
I miss you more and more each day. The days pass, the months pass and the years grow on. I wish you could be here and not a moment passes that I do not think of you. I wish you were here, there is so much that I know you could have helped me through. But instead, I have to know that you are here. Your presence is only a music note away or a look into Joker's eyes. I will never forget you Steven, never. And someday, someday when the time is right, we will ride again.

I love you,

Stephanie

Category:

Pets & Animals

Tags:

• My
• First
• Project

[arabianlover141]

Hey Steph, it's Paige. I love this video. And i know Steven wasnt nearly as close to me as he was to you, but you're right, he could do anything with any horse. he was a life saver; the one who taught me how to ride. I REMEMBER that day i was going to ride Triumphant and she was already saddled up and i wondered why. later, after my lesson i found out. i was crushed so much, calling all my friends crying and yet none of them could comfort me. He WILL be missed. Come aand ride Steph!

[ilovemagichorse]

All I can say is wow. That description and this video with it made me tear up.

So beautiful Steph. I know he's watching and thinking "Wow, what a wonderful person she is"

And at that concert - He'll be sitting not front row but right on stage there with you :)

[pony66360]

I know hes looking down at you smiling and thinking "wow, shes wonderful."

[playfulbortercollie]

this is amazing! but what was the first song?

[Dressageg123]

you are looking so good on them! you made me jealous in those bareback clips. i havent been bareback in months! soon your going to have a suprise on youtube, but knowing me saying you gonna have a suprise isnt much of a suprise ;)

[vivaproduction1]

wow, an amazing video as always, and i read the whole description, just ...wow, you are such a strong person im not sure how you stay so ...strong, you are such a inspiration to me its just amazing how you've made it so far with your dreams and life and, your a great role model for everyone, i think we could all learn a lot from you. <3

[magichorse18]

omg!!! steven would be honored

[Horses4Ever45]

This is such a beautiful video. You are a strong and inspiring person. Congratulations on making it into the orchestra and for living your life and fulfilling your dreams. <3

[Mi5sImPerfect]

this is beautiful :(

[TexandIForever]

There really is nothing to say except, I'm sorry for what you've gone through, I'm sure he's proud of you though because you are an amazing rider and for so many other reasons. And I'm sure he would've wanted you to be happy so that's really the best gift you can give him is to try and live and be happy and I kno I don't know what its like but hopefully you can find a way despite all your pain to be happy because you deserve it. You really do.