BP Parody: Press Conference Ends Awkwardly

BP Parody/Satire: British Petroleum's CEO Tony Hayward defends BP's role in "tiny leak" in Gulf of Mexico, according to this exclusive coverage of a press briefing by BP Spokesperson Kevin Nalts. Hayward, who remains CEO as of this evening's press conference, is faring well despite the impact on him emotionally and financially. However BP is taking full responsibility for the event, despite the fact that petroleum is a natural element that might likely leak into the ocean under other circumstances. For more, see this account (not mine)
http://www.twitter.com/BPGlobalPR

** Note: No permission required to use clip. Public domain & satire/parody.

Original script (cut and wandered from it yesterday):

I'm Kevin Nalts, BP Spokesperson. I'd like to make a brief statement on behalf of BP CEO Tony Hayward. These statements will be documented through wall posts we upload on our Twitter account: BPGlobalPR.
For those of you new to "Bitty Spill" (also called "Deepwater Horizon" by those not employed by BP)... a tiny amount of natural liquid petroleum found naturally on planet Earth is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico.
We at BP accept full accountability for this unfortunate situation because we happen to be drilling near the location... we wish not to blame the planet, the government's lack of oversight, or the good people of New Orleans who GOD knows have already faced enough I'm sure we'd agree. We don't even blame Halliburton, who built the well casing, or Transocean who owns it... with BP just leasing it. Tenants. Landlord.
Indeed BP did make at least 2-3 minor mistakes mostly in crisis management following mother earth's month-long diarrhea attack. Right- Earth's Diarrhea attack? It's all over the news. Diarrhea is genetic. It runs in the jeans.
Let me waste no more time in addressing the key question you're all asking. How is Tony? Tony Hayward, who as of this press conference, remains the CEO of BP, deeply regrets that his Today show quote "I want my life back" was taken out of context, as was his quote weeks ago that "plugging this oil leak will be as easy as popping a zit before prom."
In fact for those of you concerned about how the recent media crisis and criminal investigations are faring on Tony, please take comfort. He's not played cricket or sailed with his lovely wife and two children in May, but is doing surprisingly well for someone whose net worth has taken a sharp decline as BP's stock reaches an 18 year low. He has begun to regret his decision to leave Citibank in 2003, and that's quite a statement given the mess the financial services industry is... who's up for financial services reform?
In addition to Tony's welfare, we've seen a few comments on linkedbook and facetube about "when is this BP crap going to stop? Frankly we at BP are not sure, but we believe stopping the oil spill will help. And that's just what we're planning to strategize at this summer's executive offsite in Paris.
In the mean time we are deploying another "Top Kill" method known as a cap containment system with LMRPs, ROVs, and BOPs... seriously is anyone writing any of this down? Should Top Kill fail, we have bottom kill, side kill, kill bill, and even hurricane kill. Isn't there any other news story. Hey- what happened to that dad who sent his son on a helium balloon? Hello? What? An adorable otter is stuck in a well?

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

• BP
• parody
• oil
• spill
• satire
• spoof
• response
• to
• Deepwater
• Horizon
• incident
• in
• Gulf
• of
• Mexico
• tony
• hayward
• British
• petroleum
• leak
• diarrhea
• mother
• earth
• CEO
• humor
• gulf
• coast
• itty
• bitty
• wafer
• thin
• little
• clean
• fake
• press
• conference
• runs
• off
• balloon
• boy
• gary
• coleman
• otter
• stuck
• well
• nalts
• theonion
• onion
• bpceo
• bpglobalpr
• twitter
• account

[ntala]

i'm so happy you pronounced new orleans correctly. it's like nails on a chalkboard when i hear new orleeeeens or even worse, N'AWLINS. urgh....

[nalts]

@ntala My home town!

[Haloisawesome22]

@adamonmind u fail sir.

[adamonmind]

fake

[joseftran]

Not funny....kind of stupid.....boooorrrrrriiiiiing .

[RetroHunter06]

Sorry to see your hair transplant failed, nalts! Hope you're still a happy guy!

[killaxm]

LOL "we wish not to blame The Planet, or the governments lack..."

[nickcammelieri]

this was on Sobongo

[brettmichaelsfan6969]

@FFVXIIINoctis1 I agree 100%. I mean there's no babies getting their throats slashed, no black people tap dancing, no mexicans jumping around in bean costumes, and no sandy vag cunts telling us what's funny/ok to make fun of and what isn't! Whoohoo!  BUCK UP PUCKY BOY! AND FUCK THE EARTH! HAIL THE ALL MIGHTY FLTING SPAGHETTI MONSTER! ALA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[FFVXIIINoctis1]

i dont think this is funny at all ,a thing like that , that ruined our oceans isint even funny in a parody to me

[eyeopen]

Ive seen all your vds you suck