Marriage Counseling Advice

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Want some marriage counseling advice? I'm glad you asked. It's important to find a counselor who is qualified, but what does that mean?

There is more to being qualified than just having a bunch of diplomas on the wall. Not all counselors, no matter what their diplomas say, are good.

They may have the "training" but that does not necessarily mean that they are good at helping people achieve their goals. It's as much about chemistry between you and your counselor as anything else.

I, and some other people I know, have gone to counselors who really didn't seem to get what they wanted. Others, have gone to counselors who really didn't provide much in the way of "support".

They would let their patient talk and talk (and for some folks, that's all they really need or want) but they never provided any real world tools that could help the patient actively make the changes in their marriage that they wanted to make.

Many people want those tools. They want specific things to do or say that will bring about the changes they are hoping for. This is one thing to consider before you start going to a particular counselor. What do you want from them?

Do you just want someone who will listen or do you want someone who can show you some actual techniques (as opposed to theories) that you can start using right away?

It's important that you know what you want and find a counselor who practices in that way.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you need to know what you want in your marriage too. Many people will think that they want to save the marriage, and in most cases this is what they want, but only to a point.

What most people really want is to feel like they are loved and understood by their spouse. That feeling of being loved and understood is more important than just saving the marriage.

And here is where it can get tough, your spouse may not be willing to make the changes needed to provide you with the type of marriage you really want. In other words, it may not be in your best interest to save the marriage at all.

Tough to hear, I know, but it's the truth. You should probably try to find a counselor who isn't afraid to tell you the truth, even if you might not always want to hear it.

This scenario was played out by my sister several years ago; Her husband was extremely abusive to her and the kids. It wasn't any type of physical abuse, but it was severe and it was abuse.

My sister went to a counselor associated with her church. This counselor actually made her feel guilty because she had finally had enough and was ready to leave the marriage.

The counselor was so "stuck" in his religious beliefs that he wasn't able to help my sister at all. He was unable or unwilling to try to stay objective and consider what was best for my sister and her kids. All he could think of was that the marriage must be saved at all costs.

To me, that kind of mindless "let's save the marriage no matter what" type of thinking has no place with any counselor. I caution you to carefully look at any counselor before you hire them.

If they seem more inclined to be concerned with maintaining their own beliefs rather than helping you, run don't walk. Find someone who is not only qualified, but willing and able to help you decide what is best for you. That is the best marriage counseling advice I can give.

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• counseling
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• trouble