NHL Mess in Glendale: Fox Business Speaks With Darcy Olsen Of Goldwater

Thank you for your interest in purchasing an NHL team. As you can imagine, the process of being accepted as an NHL owner is an arduous one that involves an exhaustive examination of your background and qualifications.

In that spirit, please complete the one-page application form below:

Are you interested in buying an NHL team?
( ) Yes
( ) No

If you indicated "Yes" to the question above ... uh, seriously?
( ) Ha ha ... No
( ) Yes!

Wow. OK, next question: Do you have any money?
( ) Yes
( ) No
( ) No, but I am willing to pretend that I do until it's too late.

If you are applying to purchase a team in a large market with a rich history, please indicate the name of the billion-dollar company you are associated with:
________________________

If you are applying to purchase a team in a medium-sized market with a small but loyal fan base, please indicate how many loans you will require to complete this transaction:
________________________

If you are applying to purchase a team in the southern United States, please indicate how much loose change you have in your pocket right now:
________________________

If you are applying to purchase a team in the southern U.S or other non-traditional market, please indicate the reason for your interest (check all that apply):
( ) Have not read an article on the economics of hockey since the 1993 Stanley Cup final.
( ) Have succeeded at everything I've ever tried; want to see what this whole "failure" thing I've heard so much about is like.
( ) Want someplace I can go a few evenings a week during the winter when I need to be alone.
( ) A judge has recently ordered me to pay half my net worth to my ex-wife; my lawyer tells me that this will be slightly less obvious than just setting a giant pile of money on fire.

Please describe your level of familiarity with the sport of hockey:
( ) Have been a die-hard fan ever since the sport was invented, back on the day Mark Messier was traded to the Rangers.
( ) Have seen most of the Mighty Duck movies.
( ) Once got a blister playing the arcade version of Blades of Steel with the rolly ball thing.
( ) Hockey's the one with pigskin and cleats and the billion-dollar TV contract, right?

Do you have an in-depth plan in place for financing a state-of-the-art arena for your team?
( ) Yes
( ) No

Can that in-depth plan be summarized in its entirety as "Get the city to pay for it"?
( ) Yes
( ) Yes

What is your ultimate goal in purchasing an NHL franchise?
( ) Winning a Stanley Cup championship
( ) Fostering a sense of civic pride within my community
( ) Fostering a sense of civic pride within whichever community I'm threatening to move the team to in a few months
( ) Have several enemies; would like to work in an industry in which I can break their necks without consequences

Hey, you're not planning to be one of those owners who writes open letters, are you?
( ) What?
( ) No sir!

Finally, if you're reading this application form on a smart phone, what kind is it?
( ) iPhone
( ) Droid
( ) Blackberry
( ) Unreleased Blackberry prototype, since it's my company and ... uh, I mean, iPhone.

Nice try, Jim.
( ) Dammit!

Category:

Sports

Tags:

• winnipeg
• jets
• nhl
• phoenix
• coyotes
• goldwater
• gary
• bettman
• manitoba
• moose
• mark
• chipman
• mts
• centre
• teemu
• selanne

[valglass12]

these are the only markets for expansion or relocation:

Definitely - Houston, KC, Seattle, Portland, Hamilton, Quebec

Maybe - Saskatoon, Oakland

thats it. Forget Hartford, Cleveland, Milwaukee, Indy, Regina, Las Vegas.

[hawtringtonz]

Props to Goldwater. Bring back the Jets! Make it Seven!

[bluebear1985]

This whole thing is really confusing me. I'm not sure who the good guys or bad guys are anymore. I'm still trying to figure out what will have to happen if we hope to see NHL hockey in Winnipeg again.

[HerculesMays]

ahaha wow i read your entire message thing pretty nice oh and if the Jets do come back we really gota thank Darcy olsen and the goldwater institute for helping to stop the sale