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Burnistoun S1E1 - Voice Recognition Elevator - ELEVEN!

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Uploaded on Mar 18, 2010

For those having trouble with the accent, see transcript below.

[Iain] Where's the buttons?
[Rob] Oh no, they've installed voice-recognition technology in this lift, they have no buttons.
[Iain] Voice-recognition technology? In a lift? In Scotland? You ever tried voice-recognition technology?
[Rob] No.
[Iain] They don't do Scottish accents.
[Rob] Eleven.
[VOICE] Could you please repeat that?
[Iain] Eleven.
[Rob] Eleven. Eleven.
[Iain] Eleven.
[VOICE] Could you please repeat that?
[Rob] EL-EV-EN.
[Iain] Whose idea was this? You need to try an American accent. "E-leven. E-leven."
[Rob] That sounds Irish, not American.
[Iain] No it doesn't! ELEVEN.
[Rob] Where in America is that - Dublin?
[VOICE] I'm sorry. Could you please repeat that?
[Rob] Try an English accent. "Eelevin! Eelevin!"
[Iain] You from the same part of England as Dick van Dyke?
[Rob] Let's hear yours then, smartass.
[VOICE] Please speak slowly and clearly.
[Rob] SMARTASS.
[Iain] Ee-lev-en.
[VOICE] I'm sorry. Could you please repeat that?
[Iain] ELEVEN. If you don't understand the lingo, away back home to your own country!
[Rob] Ooo, it's that talk now, is it, away back home to your own country?
[Iain] Oh, don't start Mr. Bleeding Heart, how can you be racist to a lift?
[VOICE] Please speak slowly and clearly.
[Rob] Eleven. Eleven. Eleven. Eleven.
[Iain] You're just saying it the same way!
[Rob] I'm going to keep saying it until it understands Scottish, alright?
[Rob] Eleven. Eleven. Eleven! Eleven!
[Iain] Oh just take us anywhere, ya cow! Just open the doors!
[VOICE] This is a voice-activated elevator. Please state which floor you would like to go to in a clear and calm manner.
[Iain] Calm? Calm? Where's that coming from? Why is it telling people to be calm?
[Rob] Because they knew they'd be selling this to Scottish people who'd be going off their nuts at it!
[VOICE] You have not selected a floor.
[Rob] Aye, we have! Eleven!
[VOICE] If you would like to get out of the elevator without selecting a floor, simply say "Open the doors, please".
[Iain] Please? Please?? Suck my wally.
[Rob] Maybe we should just say "please".
[Iain] I'm not begging that for nothing.
[Rob] Open the doors, please.
[Iain} "Please!" Pathetic.
[VOICE] Please remain calm.
[Rob] Oh! My! God! You wait until I get up there...just wait for it to speak...
[VOICE] You have not selected a floor.
[Rob] Up yours, ya cow! If you don't let us through these doors, I'm gonna come to America, I'm gonna find whatever desperate actress gave you a voice, and I'm gonna go to the electric chair for ye!
[Iain] Scotland, you bastard!
[Rob] Scotland!
[Iain] SCOTLAND!
[Rob] SCOOOOOTLAND!
[Iain] FREEDOM!!
[Rob] FREEDOM!!
[Iain] Goin' up?

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