You feel so alone.

**WATCH IN HD** really makes a difference.

Initially, I planned to upload this video private. I might still do but I decided it might be worth putting it public. This is not a sympathy video, I do not want anyone saying that I'm prying for attention, I think you know me well enough to know that's not in my nature. If anything, this is a part of me I would rather keep private.

However, sharing isn't always a bad thing. What nearly nobody knows about me and my life (besides my mum and closest friends) is that I suffer from panic disorder. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully admit that but it is what it is. I made this video out of a hard time, all my videos are made from current mind-sets and they channel what I'm going through or what I feel.

I decided to upload this because I know how alone you can feel. It strips away all of you're confidence and trust in life. I've been through a number of devastating things in my life, yet this is the one thing that has managed to grab hold of me entirely. If it wasn't for the support I get from other people I don't know where I would be. So from personal experience I can understand how even knowing someone else is going through the same or similar can help alleviate some of the focus. For me, this whole ordeal affects me badly in the sense that I feel weak, I feel like I should be able to just get over it. And I don't know why I can't.

I had never intended to ever broadcast this, I'm undoubtedly a very personal person, I don't like anyone knowing my weaknesses. It's not been the best of times for me recently with my anxiety, and I guess sometimes the first step to even getting anywhere is being open. Like the quote in my video states, 'in order to overcome, one must be fearless'. For anyone, it's inextricably frightening trying to tackle the things that scare you most, but for someone with panic/anxiety disorder, this can be the hardest thing you'll ever have to face. It's true when they say you'll never understand unless you've experienced it. That's what makes it so hard.

This is one of the reasons I have so much love for my horse. Because out of everything, he really is the one thing that keeps me together. I don't mean that in the sense of me falling apart or breaking down, or anything overly dramatic. I just mean that in the simplest way possible, he makes me happy. Happy even when I feel like I should be sad or angry. He changes everything.

The background talker is Jemma Kidd, she is a make-up artist who suffered from severe panic attacks in her teens. She is one of the many figures who help prove that there is always light in darkness, which is something I have always held belief in.

__

For those unaware of what it is. Panic Disorder is one in which you experience constant or continual panic attacks, and the panic attacks are the horrid part of it all. I can't ever really explain it very well and it's different for everyone, but for me a panic attack causes my heart to race at a scary rate, it pounds against my chest, my breathing stops, I get faint and the only thought I have is that I'm going to die. Obviously it's different in every person but it's nonetheless terrifying.

Category:

Pets & Animals

Tags:

• horse
• xxxbeccaxrxxx
• panic
• disorder
• jemmy
• kidd

[oxBalladOfHopexo]

i had panic attacks daily from when i was about 9 to about 12, i know how it feels 110% always here if you want a chat:)<3

[xxxbeccaxrxxx]

@oxBalladOfHopexo I'm sorry, it's horrid. Thanks so much, and vice versa x

[deadendshortcut]

this is amazing, i feel like i can connect to you, i also suffer from an anxiety and panic disorder and have to see mental health doctors twice a week to help me cope. like you, i feel most at peace when with horses and so they became my life. i really respect you for posting this, and i think your incredibly brave. what you have done and achived, what i can see through your videos is amazing and you should be very proud. xxxxx

[xxxbeccaxrxxx]

@deadendshortcut Thank you so much for your comment. I can totally relate to what you're going through, horses really to seem to bring the calm within the storm. xx

[RunLikeSheeka]

I have a panic disorder/ anxiety (theyre very similar if not the same thing) and also depression and abit of bi polar :/ so i know how it feels, all too well...its horrible, i wouldnt wish it upon anyone!

[xxxbeccaxrxxx]

@RunLikeSheeka I'm sorry to hear that. xx

[XxSinging4lyfxX]

I love this ♥ I'm exactly the same, I've been suffering severe panic disorder, anxiety and GAD in the past few months especially. It's horrible :( It caused me to become depressed and it's also caused permanent damage to my balance system so I have permanent vertigo. Just moved house, trying to get a job (not easy with vertigo or lack of confidence from anxiety), moved 6 and a half hours away from my friends, dropped out of uni. My horse, Icy, really is the only thing that's kept me strong! ♥

[xxxbeccaxrxxx]

@Flutterbug1121 Panic Disorder is one in which you experience constant or continual panic attacks, and the panic attacks are the horrid part of it all. I can't ever really explain it very well and it's different for everyone, but for me a panic attack causes my heart to race at a scary rate, it pounds against my chest, my breathing stops, I get faint and the only thought I have is that I'm going to die. It's apparently very similar to what would happen if you were to have a heart attack. x

[xxxbeccaxrxxx]

@TheEdgyVeggie thank you so much for your comment, I really wish you the best with everything xx

[xxxbeccaxrxxx]

@horsesgonewild32 thankyou xx

[horsesgonewild32]

omg I loveeeeee this!! So many people have used this audio and this is by far my favourite one! :D

Subbed, maybe sub back? :)

[horsemaniac123]

Omg! Amazin Vid Becks xx I Was Literally Touched! xx

[arn93xx]

also what is the name of the music in the background, it is beautiful x