Acculorber Weather Forecast 1862

Recently discovered footage of the first modern weather report, dated 1862: "Our thanks to Lauren Ireland. And Leigh Stein. And not Leigh Stein. I'm very sorry to hear of your tuberculosis. On behalf of all of us. In this confined space. My name is Sir Doctor T Jackson Admiral Lorre of the Galileo Thermoscopic Insitute. Please let me present to you as sent via Doctor Morse's wire-device from the Acculorre Atmospereic Prognostication Centre atop the Green-woods of Gowanus a casting forth into the future of all the affections we may call common to air and water, and the kinds and parts of the earth under the tender jurisdiction of the sun - impassioned consort to all our realms - who through her agency the finest and sweetest water is every day dissolved into vapour and rises to the upper realms and so be condensed again by the chill as that of deaths very scythe so, as with each of the lord's creations, returns to the dust of the earth whence cometh we all. This will not happen tomorrow. Tomorrow the sun shall mostly upon us shine unfettered by the spectre of nimbus. I hesitate to tell you the high "temperature" tomorrow for although my esteemed bosom colleagues Thelonius and Hieronymous -- Professors Fahrenheit & Celsius to you -- their "heat scales" may be seductive, but their use among women I fear may lead to the widespread welling up of hysterical emoting. Indeed the popularization of aerometrics beyond the closed circuit of professional men to whom these data ought be entrusted may destabilize the very social environment in which we live. Terms such as "very hot" "Wet and blustery" "inch upon inch of precipitation" "hail the size of balls." The supple ears of a winsome young lady ought never be opened to "nine inches of snow" especially when delivered by the kind of lusty and handsomely endowed centurionesque men currently delivering weather reports may I fear lead to radical changes in the climate in which the sexes intermingle. The Thermoscopic Institute is therefore committed to redefining weather reports. Using Machiavellian subterfuge not seen since Edmund Halley convinced us all the fire at his illegal whiskey still was a "comet" -- we have already begun replacing the aristocratically bred mean of the weather with a new breed unable to drink the nectar of data and generate the energy of insight -- no the new "meteor-ologist" will be a marginal figure, deemed to be mere impotent, unseeing fops, their reports rife with the inaccuracies of the addlebrained. Real men of the weather however, will still continue to secretly report upon and of course control the weather as we always have."

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