Umbrellocide

Weekend massacre may be umbrellocide.

Reports emerged overnight of an unprecedented massacre of the undocumented umbrella population. Disturbing pictures were handed to local officials of dismembered umbrellas strewn across the streets of downtown New York, in some cases their handles severed from their bodies. Umbrella arms could be seen spread across large areas of First Avenue and piles of umbrella corpses have been heaped in trashcans. The true devastating scale of the tragedy may not be known until the rain eases up on Tuesday.

A spokesperson for RAPED the Rain Prevention Equipment Department called for an immediate inquiry and warned that the perpetrators would not be allowed to hide in their dry homes. New York has long been known as a crossroads for illegal umbrella trafficking and many of the slain umbrellas are thought to have entered the country illegally, lacking the protection and basic rights afforded the goods that are sold by licensed retail stores.

Homeland Security believes organized crime is diversifying its revenue stream from traditional sources like pretzels and cell phone chargers in order to capitalize on the increasingly erratic weather conditions in the North East. Its officials are yet to use the word umbrellocide which would authorize the immediate release of federal funds to protect the increasingly marginalized umbrella population.

Category:

Comedy

Tags:

• Umbrellocide