It's All My Fault: I Provoked Him

Everything you Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse - click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html

The problem starts when the true victims - often the abuser's "nearest and dearest" - adopt his/her point of view and begin to feel guilty and responsible for his/her reprehensible behaviors. This folie a deux (literally, in French, "madness in twosome") or shared psychosis is very common: victims and abusers form symbiotic dyads, abrogate reality, and share the same delusions. They allocate roles: the victim triggers the abuse and deserves it, the abuser is merely a hapless tool, devoid of volition and with an absent impulse-control.

But why would anyone succumb to such a patently fallacious view of the world? Why would anyone assume the guilt for her own torture and maltreatment? Shared psychosis is a complex phenomenon with numerous psychodynamic roots. Some victims fear abandonment and would do anything to placate their abusive intimate partner. Others grew up in dysfunctional families and are familiar and comfortable with abuse (it is their "comfort zone".) Some victims are masochistic and others simply want to "make the relationship work." Fear plays a big part, too: sometimes the only way not to provoke another onslaught is by playing by the abuser's rules.

So, what can you do about it?


(From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html)

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[dylandebbiesteph]

Very Interesting. Thank you.

[SomeTrespassing]

don't help them! D: 

[Kathydrel]

The funny thing is ,I always thought approval was love. I have tried all my life to get back up on the pedestal that the Ns in my life have put me on and then yanked out from under me. Yes I thought being on a pedestal was how love felt ,what a crewel thing to do to anyone. That is not love ,love can not be earned but is a decision an unconditional decision , a gift that can not be earned.

[Kathydrel]

I was afraid of abandonment, rejection and not being loved . As a child I would sing the song Jesus loves me, but it wasn't until I realized that He does love me and will never abandon me or lie to me or hurt me,that I did not "need" it from someone else. Yes I am still codependent , I am just depending on God and he will never forsake me or leave me ! That takes the pressure off all my other relationships.

[Kathydrel]

I took a boundaries course from the local community center and the main lesson I learned is, you can't set or enforce a boundary unless you are willing to accept the consequences ! If you are afraid of how they will react then you are really being controlled by your own fears , and that fear you can learn to control

[fetishisticrose]

"You get this look on your face / You get this tone in your voice....and that's why I said that / that's why I did that......if you didn't do that I wouldn't have said/done what offended you." Sound familiar? arrrgh. How do you respond to that? I mean , if you respond - it only escalates things.....and he becomes really sarcastic.

[TheAfroQween]

@kellycat2552 Save yourself and your sanity and CUT HER OFF let the skilled care people handle her-

[1221solstice2012]

At least I don't go so far as to blame myself for abusive behavior...I'm always confounded by their sudden change at the first sign of my uppityness, disturbed at how they never realize they should love me. While I run from real love from someone emotionally healthy! Why is the challenge of getting "love" from a cold machine so addictive to some of us? It never turns out good...never. I see that's where the hidden masochism shows itself. I'm getting better thanks in part to you Sam.

[cozyfoxstudio]

Sam please do evaluations of celebrities like Rosie Odonnel, Jeannene Garafalo and Sean Penn.