"the suicide kid" by Charles Bukowski (poetry reading)

Some French philosopher put a lot of effort into studying suicide and came to the conclusion that the motivation was "incompetence." No philosopher is ever going to write a one word treatise, so he didn't leave it at that. It makes sense though. You want to die because you think you're not competent to live. But you don't have to stay incompetent. You just have to find where your niche is at - where you fit into the scheme of things.

If you were beautiful or rich things would be different, right? Actually, they wouldn't. Beautiful and rich people self-destruct just as readily as poor ugly folks. Beauty and wealth - to those who possess them - are liabilities, not assets.

Tennyson argues the case in a poem called Two Voices (originally called The Thoughts of a Suicide) His argument was so effective it is said to have caused one of his editors to kill himself.

A still small voice spake unto me,
"Thou art so full of misery,
Were it not better not to be?"

Then to the still small voice I said;
"Let me not cast in endless shade
What is so wonderfully made".

It's a long poem. You can find it here:
http://www.gradesaver.com/tennysons-poems/e-text/section68/

At the end he hears a faint, sweeter voice.

"What is it thou knowest, sweet voice?" I cried.
"A hidden hope," the voice replied

That's the answer. Any thoughts you have are only valid at this point in time. Life extends through time, through many phases and many circumstances. "Life is a dynamic equilibrium in a polyphasic system" (I didn't invent that expression - you can google it)

Evolution works for the genes - the species - the individual is disposable. You're on your own. Each of us is a crucible for a particular set of genes, a survival experiment. You probably heard about the "selfish" gene. Life's a competition: genes which confer the best survival strategies win: they make it into future generations. Suicide is an evolutionary message telling you that your genes are not carrying survival strategies that work. You're a failed experiment, so get out of the gene pool. Okay, I'm kidding -- but not much.

You only know you're "incompetent" at this particular time in these particular circumstances. Many people who nearly slit their throats in youth went on to succeed and reached great heights. You can't know the future. Ugly duckings turn into swans. Tadpoles grow wings*. It's irrational to take the decision that it's all over. The better decision is to live a little longer and to change your life completely. Move elsewhere, meet new people - and avoid the toxic ones you already know - live a different life. Maybe your genes aren't so bad. They might work in different circumstances, when you're older and wiser. (*People will pay money to see a flying frog.)

There's no point in killing yourself to hurt others. They won't be as upset as you think they should be. The people who will be hurt, who won't get over your death so easily, are the people you never intended to hurt, the people who have a lot invested in you - your parents, teachers, siblings, friends..

Suicide is burning your Birthday Presents without opening them. So the going can be tough sometimes. You have this gift, you might as well see what can be done with it.

Any old lady or gent will tell you they thought about suicide when young - most people have - but they won't tell you that life has been a disappointment, that they never had exciting times, adventures, love-affairs, or that they wish their children and grandchildren had never been born. None will say,"Go on, do it, I wish I'd done it." What they will say is, "I wish I could be young and live my life over again. Think yourself lucky, duckie." That's not advice, it's the truth.

Statistically you ARE lucky to be here. The average man creates a greater number of sperm that the number of people that have EVER lived. More than 500 billion. Work out the odds.

What Bukowski knew was that thinking about suicide is cathartic - and very different from actually doing it. It was part of his legend. "Thus by feigned deaths to die" as John Donne put it.

What medics call "parasuicide" is self-harm when dying isn't the real plan. Unfortunately parasuicide is a bad habit. Those who do it are more likely to die in the end. I've seen this worded "are likely to be successful" but that's loose thinking. They're not "successful" because they never intended to do it for real, they were trying to be more convincing. To find out how medical personnel view parasuicides, read this. It's called "Suicide and the Emergency Room" from "Blue Days, Black Nights" by Ron Nyswaner.
http://www.ralphmag.org/DX/suicide.html

Linda and Charles Bukowski were photographed by Christopher Felver.

The other photographs were by Michael Montfort, who published a an album of Bukowski pictures.

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[jeremyshambles]

being someone who never had a family but lived on the streets and raised myself, i would often have such thoughts. what changed my mind was not the idea that family or friends would be hurt, i had neither. literature offered me a window into thoughts of individuals who could create a music with words that gave, if not hope, a reason to continue, a reason to read another work of art that just may change one's mind about everything. oh and skateboarding too.

[liz1060]

Suicide is just as sick as any terminal disease, just as unfortunate as any accidental death, just as worthy of compassion -- and beside, I don't see what the horror is to hurry up an inevitable event -- sad, yes, stupid, maybe. The disdain expressed for suicide is appalling to me and the excess concern for survivors seems specious at best when a person has been so disconnected as to kill themselves -- selfish twit, how could you do this to me! heh, sorry -- pet peeve.

[hasturhastur]

Thank you.

[esblimie]

The thoughts that drove me as jeremyshanbles mentioned was the thought that nobody really cared especially when you are on your own...now i understand why kids do bad...when no one shows concern your thought grows into let me see if they will care if i did this one and then this one and then that one...my thought was healed by a high school teacher Ms. Sullivan when she gave me just the right attention i needed...Emmanuel Blimie Author of WHAT'S IN ME COMES ALIVE! Google author's name for book

[esblimie]

The thoughts that drove me as jeremyshanbles mentioned was the thought that nobody really cared especially when you have been thrown out or yell at...now i understand why kids do something evil...because the thoughts of doing evil is right at the tip of youth and when no one shows concern the thought grows into let me see if they will care if i did this...my thought was healed by a high school teacher Ms. Sullivan when she gave me just the right attention i needed...when others didn't.

[SpokenVerse]

@colourmegone Pity that Bukowski's not still here. Then you could set him straight..

[colourmegone]

@SpokenVerse Take it from one who knows, thinking about suicide NOT cathartic. It's a dialogue with the realisation of the inevitable void.

[MPArmstrong84]

I'm not a writer or poet. In fact I've hated almost all of the poetry I've ever read. Its rare I read fiction or stories. Having said all that: I'm a huge fan of Bukowski!

[hoghash78]

Göethe, wrote in "The sufferings of young Werther" Something to the effect...

Every man has a cup that holds suffering. And for every man his cup can hold a different amount. When his cup is full he´s reached the limit.

My copy of the book is from 1957 and falling apart, otherwise I would search and quote it.

[eeektavius]

I used to be prone to bouts of existential depression, but then I realized that life is meant to be lived, not aanalyzed. Shit, I was looking for clips from Tommy Boy and this popped up, life hasn't made any sense so far. Why the hell would it by the time I reach 72?

[SadSak08]

@Carex09 "The more you want it, the further it slips from you" ~ my thoughts exactly.

[Carex09]

@SpokenVerse

"And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear

You shout and no one seems to hear.

And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon." - Roger Waters

Till then kid, the shallow pond shall be your ocean.