Dissociative Identity Disorder and self esteem of a younger self

This video features Polly, who was originally known as 'little Donna'. At this point Dodds hadn't come out as the Core (original) self so Polly was the earliest one the system (and herself) knew of. This is what she wrote at that time:

In DID splitting may have begun as young as around 2 years old. This was the case for me. Because of this the others can later believe that as the earliest of the split away selves, that I am a child, didn't grow up, is younger than them, less intelligent, less deep, even endangering if they fear a discriminatory society.

I was among the first who had to give up and because of this can be the most illusive, the last to speak vocally to others, to interact or make friends, to appear outside of the room, the house, the front gate, or may only appear with one special trusted external person.

As one of the earliest selves, watching all the coping strategies of the later selves, all the survival skills and life skills they developed, may easily feel lesser than the others, and the others can easily reinforce the incapability of the early selves, especially if they fear the world could still hurt them.

I made this video for my other selves to observe my views, speaking them out externally and verbally in the world they protect me from and regularly behave as if I'm not ready for.

This is my declaration that I am ready for my place among them in the external world, not as their 'child' but as their equal, their sister. I want them to empower me and walk beside me and slow down so I can walk beside them.

Those of you still in this process, I hope this helps you believe in your younger selves and their place in this world. The world is still scary, it will have echoes of the horrors you may have come from. But with support you can dare and can try to claim your place with the team, fully expressive and turn taking in the external world, on the road to integration if that is your journey.

(Core Self in a team of 13 that includes Katrina, Willie, Anne (branch 1), Esby, Marnie (branch 2), Foosh, Ning, Opie, Polly Carol, Da, Rose (branch 3) and Addie.

You can read my story at http://www.donnawilliams.net
including my consultation page for DID where I offer online Peer Support

Category:

Education

Tags:

• Donna Williams
• did
• dissociative identity disorder
• mpd
• dissociation
• autism
• Temple Grandin ptsd

[springrobin]

Hi just watched all your DID vids. You touch briefly several times about connections with your own voice. I have ALOT of trouble with this. It's very hard for me to explain but I hate my voice, because I'm very afraid of it, of hearing it, I experience it as separate from me in that I hear it delayed coming into my own ears and it is experienced as painful to hear & triggers intense self hate & fear ... & that's the best I can do ... intuitively I feel that connecting, accepting (cont')

[1210donna]

@springrobin yeah, I spoke in TV voices and other people's voices until adulthood and wrote about it in Like Colour To The Blind, the terror of actually using one's own... and I wrote of it in Exposure Anxiety; The Invisible Cage... its a real tough one... but yes, if one has rejected the body, mind, emotions as self... tolerates having them (being here) then one's own voice is part of that, its evidence one had wanted, thought, connected... excruciating re Exposure Anxiety.

[Nashville2Cats]

Donna,

Just wondering - were the other DID videos all presented by Donna or by any of the other selves?

[1210donna]

@Nashville2Cats The other DID videos are mainly presented by Willie (the resident parent and 'psychologist'), though the one about internal clashes is presented by DA (the resident 'sociologist', the surrealist, teacher, comedian).

[springrobin]

cont'd - & experiencing my voice in some manner will move me forward in my journey. Do you have any suggestions or thoughts in this area, in what ways did you go about connecting with your voice, what things could I try in this area.

[tbw72]

The fact that the "self' is still there is such an achievement.

It is hard to not have it overwhelmed by the intruding ( and functional) others.But all the others are the 'senses' of the self , much like smell, touch, taste sight and hearing - and should be used accordingly as such, no matter how they clamor for superiority. They are the same thing as your hand - which in itself is a marvel of dexterity, skill, tactile comprehension and ability. But on it's own is nothing to the whole.