Uploaded on Aug 21, 2009
I'm Elizabeth Hendry and I'm a therapist and have been for well over 20 years now. During that time, in dealing with all the people I've worked with and in looking for quicker and more permanent ways of dealing with people's problems, I've developed a theory about we come to develop the habits and coping strategies that stop us being effective and why it is so difficult to stop doing them.
In this video I'm going to explain my theory and in the next one, I'm going to talk about the ways that we try to get other people make our own decisions for us or we want to make decisions for other people.
Then, in the third one, I'll show you a technique that will enable you to change the ways you percieve yourself and others. And in the process that I will tell how to do, you will change the way you see the situation you are in and You'll be able to think of different ways of dealing with it.
First of all, let's look at how babies, or how people come to develop these habits in the first place.
It can start in the womb. Actually any of these processes will start, normally, before a child is seven. Most frequently in the first few years - and that includes pregnancy.
So, for this explanation, I'm going to take a pregnant woman, who has a bump with a baby in it - and this is her partner.
I'm going to suggest that father is angry about money, and mother will be doing emotional stuff back at him. But we are only going to deal, just now, with father and father's anger.
Now father will actually be angry with mother but at the same time his anger will be hitting the baby and the baby is completely incapable of dealing with this anger, which is washing into and around it. It's not its anger. It's its fathers anger.
It has no way of coping with this situation because it is not its own situation. It's in the womb. It can't do anything.
So what happens is that this baby will lodge in its body somewhere a lump of anger and I'm going to put this down here. So this is anger and it's the father's anger.
Now the baby will make a response to this anger. It could respond by being angry itself, or be scared of its father's anger: to have a shock because of the anger, or to be really sad because its father is angry with its mother. for the purposes of this explanation, we are going to assume that it is afraid of the father's anger. This fear is definitely the baby's.
Now clearly, the baby can't do anything about this and having a lump of anger in your body however developed it is or isn't is very uncomfortable. So it is going to cover up the fear with something else.
What, as far as I know, always happens is that it is covered up with a pretend emotion. (Now that, because happy is another emotion, but is never problem when it is real, could be any one of the five - Anger, Fear, Shock, Sad or Happy.) But this will be a pretend so we have pretend and for this purpose the pretend emotion is going to be 'Happy'.
I don't know when it is going to happen, but at some point this pretend happy is going to be experessed in some way and this baby, whether it's still in the womb, or whether it's one, or two, or three. At some point father is going to be angry about money again and this baby is going to go into this stuff and then it is going to have to express its happiness.
Now this might be, in the womb just jumping around, and once it is born it might be laughing, it might be joking, it might be clowning, it might be entertaining. OK but this is all a very tiring process and at some point or another, it is going to run out of energy and begin to express something else, which might be sad, tired, bored, I'm sure you know all these words, and it will continue to add decisions about how it is goiing to cover up the discomfort of having all of this stuff in its body, until, by the time it's maybe thirty, it's doing something completely different. Maybe it's overspending, or maybe even quarelling about money.
Now it could be that this person then goes to therapy.
One of the problems with therapy, (not all of them, but most of them, a lot of them maybe?). is That although they can deal with this - the processes at the top, they are unlikely to get to this, so you have all this stuff seething underneath this process here and if you deal with this, at the top, only, then what happens is that you have no choice but to put another coping strategy on the top because each of these ones down here is a protection from the one underneath and as long as this one is here, then none of these is going to move.
What I'm going to do in the next video is talk about the way that, as a result of this process, we give up our personal power. Well, we can't really, but we think that we do, and we let other people control us, or we want other people to do what we want them to do, and we do our best to control them.
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