1. Behind The Pen: How Marriage Works

  2. This Week In History: Sears Tower Constructed With Bold Challenge To God Engraved On Roof

  3. Santorum Now Viciously Condemning Homosexuals, Minorities, Women For $100,000 Speaking Fee

  4. Romney Courts Hispanic Vote With Animated Sombrero-Wearing Parrot

  5. Medium Channels The Spirits Of Old Acquaintances For Awkward Small Talk

  6. It Easy To Tell What Area Man Will Look Like As Skeleton

  7. Biden Unveils New Health Initiative To Make U.S. Women Hotter

  8. Kanye West In Feud With Nation Of Syria

  9. Obama's Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone

  10. Report: Typical City Bus Contains No Fewer Than Four Erections At Any Given Time

  11. Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due To Facebook

  12. Four American Troops Tragically Killed Along With 23 Afghanis

  13. Eric Cantor Tossed By Bucking Mitch McConnell During Congressional Rodeo

  14. Democrats: Obama Has Dicked Us Around For Four Years, Now It's Our Turn

  15. Reporter Helps Starving Dogs By Personally Shooting Them

  16. Romney To Travel Back In Time To Kill Liberal Versions Of Himself

  17. Stephen Strasburg Ceremoniously Re-Injures Arm On Opening Day

  18. Shelby Cross Warns Women Self-Defense Classes "A Trap"

  19. Man With Nice Eyes Blown

  20. Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air

  21. After 1 Week In New York Tim Tebow Already A Gay, Homeless Crack Addict

  22. Small-Town Mayor Steps Down Amid Scandal Over Forged Coupon

  23. Joad Cressbeckler Denies He Incited Mob To Drag Congressman Through Briar Patch

  24. Nation's First Boombox-Carrying, Rollerskating Congressman Broke Boundaries

  25. Broncos Receivers Worried Peyton Manning Going To Expose How Bad They Are

  26. Purity Of War Marred By One Bad Apple In Afghanistan

  27. Google Shuts Down Gmail For Two Hours To Show Its Immense Power

  28. Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Shit Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary

  29. Nation Abuzz With Prospect Of 18-Year-Old Boys Having Their Dreams Crushed

  30. Sale Of BET To White Supremacist Group Results In No Changes To Programming

  31. Could The Use Of Flying Death Robots Be Hurting America's Reputation Worldwide?

  32. Teen's Death Hits Reporter Hard

  33. Embarrassing Bounced Check From Greece Taped Up In IMF Headquarters

  34. Minnesota Braces For Return Of Bachmann's Full Attention

  35. Black Conservatives Support Candidate Whose Religion Believes Black People Bear Mark Of Cain

  36. Romney's Super Tuesday Polls Surge After He Begins Flaunting His Wealth

  37. Police: Kidnapped MoveOn.org Staffer's "Please Help" Emails Went Completely Ignored

  38. Heartbroken Santorum Condemns Gay Marriage For Two-Timing Jerks Like Nick

  39. Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself

  40. World's Youngest Person Born

  41. Facebook To Allow Changes To Privacy Settings If Users Guess Word In Locket Worn By Mark Zuckerberg

  42. NewsBlitz: Senate Session Interrupted By Wailing Of Ted Kennedy's Ghost

  43. Leaf From "Tree Of Life" Frontrunner For Best Actor Oscar

  44. Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack

  45. Joad Cressbeckler: Immigrants Who Survive Arizona Desert Deserve Citizenship

  46. Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools

  47. Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume

  48. Knicks Trade Jeremy Lin For Selfish Asshole Who Plays Knicks-Style Basketball

  49. In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

  50. GOP Introduces New "Mystery Candidate" With Paper Bag Over Head

  51. Poll Reveals GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy

  52. Tyler Perry Expands His Fan Base With New Films About Sassy, Chinese Grandmother

  53. Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized

  54. Eli Manning Asks Dad If He Can Stop Playing Football Now

  55. Cocky Giants' D Reveals Game Plan That They Will Try And Tackle Tom Brady

  56. Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses

  57. 2011 In Review: Nation Shocked To Find Out Elizabeth Taylor Wasn't Already Dead

  58. Jay-Z Fans Brace Themselves For Onslaught Of Horrible Odes To Baby

  59. Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

  60. Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

  61. 2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman

  62. 2011 Top Story: Queen Beds Kate Middleton In Royal Tradition

  63. Did Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman

  64. 2011 Top Story: Japanese Nuclear Reactor Totally Safe Says Two-Headed Plant Official

  65. Justin Timberlake Wins Golden Globe For Funniest Goofball At His Table

  66. 2011 Top Story: Navy SEALS Discover Bin Laden Gained 300 Pounds

  67. Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op

  68. Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child

  69. Alex Smith Boasts 49ers Have What It Takes To Win Despite Him

  70. Grover Norquist: 'I Engaged In A Week-Long Drug-Fueled Orgy With Corporate Income Taxes'

  71. Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring

  72. Traveling Group Of Medieval Mummers Is America's Top Pick For Holiday Entertainment

  73. Ashton Kutcher Caught Canoodling With Ancient Disc Made Of Pure Evil

  74. Tim Tebow Becomes First Christian To Play In NFL - Sports Year in Review

  75. Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall

  76. Aaron Rodgers Vows To Make Season Interesting By Killing Self

  77. Report: Nobody's Heard From David Blaine In A While, Somebody Should Probably Check If He Died

  78. Brooke Alvarez Has All The Answers, Even About Particle Physics

  79. Year In Review: Revolution In Egypt Either Courageous Or Stupid Depending On Outcome

  80. Year In Review: Renewable Energy Source Encoded In Charlie Sheen's Rants

  81. Chinese Paint Tops List Of This Year's Must-Have Holiday Gifts

  82. Doofus Chilean Miner Stuck Down There Again

  83. Brooke Alvarez Explains Why There Are So Many People In Prison

  84. NBA Players, Owners Fail To Reach Agreement Where They Would Beat Each Other With Chains

  85. Parents Keep Deceased Son's Memory Alive Through His Awful Tumblr

  86. Report: Some Sick Fuck Out There Now Supporting Herman Cain Because Of Sexual Assault Allegations

  87. Cowboys' Presumed Thanksgiving Win To Cause Nation To Vomit Up Dinners

  88. High Unemployment Linked To Increasing Number Of Face Tattoos

  89. Older Hispanic Men Line Up Excitedly For 'Breaking Dawn' Premiere

  90. Brooke Alvarez Must Decide Between "Watch The Throne" And "Carter IV"

  91. Brooke Alvarez Teaches Us How To Deal With Uninformed People

  92. New Robot Warns When Someone's About To Walk In On You Masturbating

  93. Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine

  94. Jim And Tracy Put On Fat Suits To See What Life Is Really Like For Awful Fat People

  95. Latest GOP Debate Concludes With Candidates Wrestling Squealing Pig To Ground And Slaughtering It

  96. Classmates Respond To Jessica Milly's Decision To Put Out

  97. Tom Brady, Mark Sanchez Prepare For Jets-Pats Matchup By Having Sex With Each Other

  98. Brooke Alvarez Can Speak News In Any Language

  99. Brooke Alvarez Names The One Person Who Could Compel Her To Go On "Dancing With The Stars"