Weightless: My Anorexia

I devloped anorexia at age 13 going from 8 stone to under 4. This was my first ever video on youtube which i chose to make because i was sick of the many pro-ana videos i saw which glamorised anorexia, contained nothing but lies and a false reality. I uploaded this video a year ago but my old account was shut down recently so here we go again. A few more details below:

some little things i didnt include:

*i never walked untill about two weeks into leigh house, i used a wheel chair and then when my legs were strong enough i had physio (which didnt do anything tbh) and then used a zimmer frame for a bit. This is one of the effects you dont commonly hear about with anorexia, the muscles in your legs (everywhere) waste away and you cant stand or walk, it remains one of the worst feelings i have ever to this day experienced.

*my legs and body are still quite weak, i get tired real easy and i cant bend my legs for very long or bend on my knees/sit on my knees and jumping is difficult. However i had a bone scan while in leigh house and they said they dont think i will have osteoporosis.

*they also did a ovarian scan and although my ovaries were delayed in development (no preiods too obv) they think i can have kids still, which i was so pleased as that was one of the things i was most scared of.

* I was put on the child protection register as a danger to myself but was later taken off in leigh house, when i was discharged i had to do a 'serious case review' which was to discuss what could of done to prevent this ever happening again to someone else and they asked me if i would like to add anything and i said to make sure they treat every patient with anrorexia as individuals and not tar bloody everyone with the same brush, as i found in hospital i was treated so strictly to an 'anorexic protocol' it actually negetivley effected my care and was wrong for me individually.

*i had a social worker and he came to visit me a couple of times, he was completley rubbish, firstly why did they get a man ? as surely a woman would be more wise about womany insecurities and shit. Secondly he knew nothing about anything to do with anoreixa or care for anorexics, we just eveded up talking about innane things, the weather etc and then just sat in silence till he left. I am still clueless as to hy they thought i needed one in the first place, again the hospital sticking to a protocol doesnt work.

*we only ever had two boys in the P.E.G (postive eating group), one of them was an in-patient and the other came in an ambulance one day collapsed and then went back the same day, it was one of the worst days of my life, the boy reminded me of myself at my worse and it was really devastating.

*there was a boys and girls lounge in leigh house, after my hour 'supervision' which was to make sure we didnt throw up a meal, i went straight to the boys lounge as it was much funner in their with the other patients. The pegs all hung in the girls lounge but i preffered it in boys with the schizorenics and bi-polars. The smell of weed will forever remind me of that place.

*In hospital they put the NG tube straight down, which i was rather angry about as they didnt even ask me or my parents. They said it was because they couldnt risk another day of me not eating (assuming i would refuse the tube/ pull tube out) but ironically they didnt give me enough through my tube and a cople of days later i had my fit, so really because they didnt give me enought through my NG tube which at least greatly contributed to me losing a few more pounds and then having my fit.

*although i had tried on several occasions, throwing up, it never developed into bulimia which i am very grateful for.

* i never ever have been on pro-ana websites to get any tips etc, if your clever enough and determined enough you can do it on your own that is what i found and i am shamefully proud that i got to where i got to on my own tricks and decite.

* i would be lying if i said i didnt miss being that thin, and that i would never want to be that thin again. stupid i know but thats how my mind works now even after all the shit and what its left me with, my crappy weak body and how it effected my family, its selfish but anorexia changes you as a person; nothing is more important then being thin and with me, sorry to say that hasnt changed.

Prayers to Maddie Eatwell, truly inspiring, pure and beautiful. I never knew you that well but your memory helps me remember how important it is to fight on everyday and for that i am grateful. Your efforts are not in vain for your strength will forever remain in all those who knew and loved you. I wish i knew you better but i hope now you can rest in peace.

Isabelle Caro, a credit for bringing awareness about ED. I hope now your battle has ended you can sleep peacefully.

Category:

Entertainment

Tags:

• anorexia
• recovery
• skinny
• anorexia nervosa
• thin
• anorexia recovery

[mlwish]

How are you now? I hope you are in a much better mental state.

[prettyreckless2700]

@mlwish hey, thank you for your comment. I have been worried about my physical health as of late, mainly because i have started a job in a supermarket which has required use of bending my knees a lot through lifting and bending my back. My knees are still so weak and my back is brittle so i have been finding it hard. I have made a doc appointment so as to book a DEXA scan to check for osteoporosis in the spine and to see what i can do for my knees.

[prettyreckless2700]

@mlwish My overall fitness is still quite poor, i get tired walking short distances etc its embarrassing, sometimes i think those who are overweight are probably fitter than me which is quite ironic. Mentally I am the same in my priorities - thin, thin, thin, unfortunately. But of course like with most, it will always be that way. Right now I am just doing my best to improve my physical strength of my muscles, bones and internal organs, i am trying not to focus on my thoughts...

[prettyreckless2700]

@mlwish I don't want to think because i am scared because i know that i can't live without being dangerously thin, at the same time i can't live with being dangerously thin. Just seems i am doomed either way, and its just a matter of time. Sorry for the downer, but i think honesty is crucial in talking about an ed, especially because ed's are so infamous for their deceit.

[Awwison99]

really zelda? lol

[prettyreckless2700]

@Awwison99 lol yeah why not, Zelda OOT is amazing!

[misssummersparkle]

Wow, now you are so incredibly beautiful!!! Please don't say you might relapse again. That is the last thing you should do because you are so gorgeous & unique & strong to overcome all of that. that's insain, I can't think of something more painful and awful then kidney failure ect. I will pray for you to stay just the way you are now :D thank you for showing people why they shouldn't be anorexic you are such a wonderful person!

[vstover24]

You are so amazing and very, very, very, beautiful. I am so glad you got the help you needed and are on the right journey to a happy life. You deserve the world. I really hope you never relapse and go back to that dark place you were once in. I want to say thank you so much for sharing your story. I couldn't stop crying when I first saw this. You are a miracle and you defiantly have a purpose in this world today. Keep your head up and always stay strong.

[bluestars4butterflys]

i love you girly!! xxx

[TheKillerInMyHead]

i wish i was 50 lbs. yes im anorexic to all you people who are gonna bitch at me.

[CharsseV]

Please stay strong and healthy. I am so proud that you shared your story, I believe it will help others strugling with anorexia. You are a beautiful girl and have overcome so much. You have a second chance and have looked death in the face and have come out victorious. Please don't ever fall in that trap again. You are strong and you can stay healthy! You are beautiful and a survivor. You are an inspriation!

I wish you all the happiness and blessings one can enjoy in a lifetime and more!

[angel987643211]

Hi! Im fat, dont wanna say. i would never diet or calorie count. but some of the "cool people" at my school tease me. my friends are supportive to me. but im proud. everyone its not the end of the world( take that u bitch mayans!) ps: all you people who are skinny and live in mansions, go fuck yourself. u think your all that when your really not!

[underloved1]

Hi! Marie here.Soo happy to hear that you have recovered from your anorexia.You are right you can relapse.I have.Haven`t been anorexic since childhood but then i was starving most of the time.From a family of 10 poor working class.Memories of childhood,begging for food at the market,going to the Grey nuns for food,sneeking into the A&P warehouse dumpster for dented cans of food,what fun,NOT!Now older & i`ve relapsed am 5"7 142lbs trying to hold it there.Hope it doesen`t get worse.Hate hospitals.

[CherylKungFuClouds]

You are incredible... You are so strong and your beautiful :D alwaays remember that hunny. Im in Leigh House now... Not the funniest plce on earth so i no how it felt...

[Crackforcrackers6]

You are a beautiful woman and I hope that everything turns out great for you. Don't say you'll relapse again! You are an inspiration to every girl in America and where ever else who ever thinks that anorexia (pro ana, mia) is fun or cool or anything. Stay healthy and beautiful!

[alliterati1]

Hope you are well!

[lola19873]

wee pet, you're beautiful. hope your doing ok