HOW TO PRETEND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, TV EDITION
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Published on Apr 25, 2012
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What to do if you're cornered by annoying friends, trying to test your TV-hipster elite knowledge that you don't have? Fear not! We've developed a handy guide for How to Pretend You Know What You're Talking About, TV edition.
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Your friends can be such assholes. They judge you for your Real Housewives infatuation. Excuse me if I'm proud of Phaedra for getting her funeral business off the ground. They make fun of you for knowing Lindsay Lohan's middle name - it's Dee - and they are cruel about the fact that you may or may not be reading Steadman's new book. It's good to get every perspective on Oprah.
And worst of all, they trap you in conversation with the three most obnoxious questions anyone could ever ask.
"What do you think of Mad Men this season?"
"Don't you hate the Lannister family?"
" Wait, you're NOT watching Downton Abbey? Well, I made a donation to PBS this year. So, good person over here."
So, I've developed a handy guide for How to Pretend You Know What You're Talking About, TV edition.
Let's start with Mad Men. The only thing you know about this show is that white people without savings accounts love it. But if you don't want to look like a fool for not watching it, there's an easy way to fit in. zou bisou bisou. Who knows what it means. Who even cares. It will generate a reaction from anyone, and you'll seem super smart.
ANNOYING PERSON: Guys, wasn't that hallucination Don had so telling? What did you think, Bryan?
BRYAN: Zou Bisou Bisou!
ANNOYING PERSON: Ahahaha! Amazing! But seriously, what did you think of that dream?
BRYAN: Zou Bisou Bisou!
BRYAN: Now about that raise...
ANNOYING: What are you talking about? Get out.
Bryan gives a knowing look into camera.
Other phrases that you can use when someone mentions Mad Men are: "What a different world back then. The way they treated women.""Peggy when she's drunk, right?!", "Fat Betty!", and "That racist guy is such a dick."
Game of Thrones is an absolutely impossible show to follow. But it does have something anyone can talk about - Peter Dinklage. And thanks to Dinklage, All you have to do when someone asks you about Game of Thrones is shake your head, furrow your brow and say, "Peter Dinklage" in amazement. Not only do you seem stunned by his acting, but you're especially amazed that a dwarf can act at all.
CUTAWAY: Bryan gets stopped by someone with a complicated Game of Thrones question.
PERSON: COMPLICATED GAME OF THRONES QUESTION:
Bryan: Peter Dinklage, y'know?
PERSON: I KNOW.
You can also always say, "King Joffrey is such a dick." And finally, Downton Abbey - the show that's basically Desperate Housewives with accents. This show is pure trash, but your friends love it. So if you're ever caught in a situation where people have cornered you about it, just say one of the following things:
"I hope they end up together."
"Hahaha! Dowager Countess!"
"Gay guys are such dicks."
Now you can participate in conversation with friends who think they're better for watching boring TV. To get even more prepared, watch the playlist below. We've got 10 minutes of Peter Dinklage slapping the crap out of inbred asshole King Joffrey, Maggie Smith's best moments on Downton Abbey, and the best of Don Draper. Also, just remember, you can always say "fuck off" to your friends.
TRYION SLAPS JOFFREY
MAD MEN: MEET DON DRAPER
DOWNTON ABBEY: TOP TEN MAGGIE MOMENTS
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