I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

God was cruel in creating man. He gave us a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to use one at a time

It's ok to kiss a fool. It's ok to let a fool kiss you. But don't let a kiss fool you.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.

Cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I'd like to help you out; which way did you come in?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, there were a lot of clever people on the bus this morning.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the damn ceiling?.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely

I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

Don't worry about temptation, as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.

The best advice is this. Don't take advice and don't give advice.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Alcohol is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

The problem with people who have no vices, is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

It's important to watch what you eat. Otherwise, how are you going to get it into your mouth?

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Ability is of little account without opportunity.

Optimist: "The glass is half full."

Pessimist: "The glass is half empty."

Engineer: "That glass is twice as large as it needs to be."

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster!

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

Faith is a powerful thing. It often shuts off the rational mind.

Faith is believing in something common sense tells us not to.

Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.

Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.

Never look down on anybody unless you are helping them up.

If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

Anyone can admit they were wrong. The true test is admitting it to someone else.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No sense being a damn fool about it.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm

When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't know how to spell anonymous.