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Google Fail, T Mobile Fail, Legal Weed, Sniffing Farts, Chipotle Sex [Scrapple TV News]

131 views 4 days ago
From high atop the Scrapple News Tower, in Downtown Philadelphia; I'm AP Ticker and this is some high-quality click bait disguised as useful information.

We begin in the silicon valley, where a prostitute was arrested after injecting a Google executive with heroin and leaving him to die. Police identified the woman from security footage taken aboard the victim's yacht. That is the greatest viral marketing campaign for Google Glass you're ever gonna get.

Meanwhile, the Federal Trade Commission charged T-Mobile with stealing hundreds of millions of dollars from their customers by billing them for services which don't exist. Consumers are outraged, but agree that it's still better than AT&T.

The Wall Street Journal celebrated its 125th anniversary by publishing a special "Future of Everything" issue, which is ironic because the future definitely doesn't include print journalism.

Some businesses are dying, others are just stuck in the gilded age. A Chicago factory is offering one dollar to employees who don't take bathroom breaks. Better save that pittance to treat the urinary tract infection your insurance won't cover.

You're less likely to be fired for smoking weed at work... Like one Washington man who was illegally laid off because of his pot prescription. Mike Boyer was re-hired and harbors no ill will towards his employers; in fact he really appreciated the three-day-weekend.

Unfortunately, weed can't cure everything... Time Magazine reports that sniffing farts might actually prevent cancer. Fuck that. No one lives forever. The price of immortality is too high.

Speaking of crap you never wanna smell... A volatile organic compound caused noxious odors that sickened dozens of Delaware Valley residents this week. EPA officials have yet to identify whatever crawled inside of Chris Christie's ass and died but highway crews have begun the arduous clean-up.

Finally a couple In Delaware, was arrested for having sex on a roof of a Chipotle restaurant, the suspects apologized for the lewd behavior, apparently there was a line at the Burger King bathroom.

If you've got something stuck in your rectum the best way to wash it out is with a colon cleansing Kenzinger Beer. That wafting aroma of wheat and barley will reinvigorate your soul; purging the imperfections you were born with and replacing them with blossoms of awesome.  

Well, that's all for the news. I remain AP Ticker; an amateur proctologist with dreams of going viral.

(Lotta peepee and caca jokes this week. I'm not complaining - it's tasteful - but there's a clear theme here.)

Scrapple TV News -- Week of July 21st, 2014.

Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller

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