Who am I

I am a vision of motion, often seen testing mattresses and fluffing pillows. I have been known to hold doors open for important people to pass through. On my lunch breaks, I inspect the city's air quality. I encourage capitalism daily at Timmies. I can spit really far. I write award-winning poetry and I fly by the seat of my pants. Occasionally, I lie on my back and peddle my bicycle.

I attract the opposite sex by whistling that infernal nonsense "Pinafore". If this doesn't work I switch tactics and woo them with my elborate tales about my extensive circulatory system. I can navigate vehicles up steep cliffs, down graded inclines, around hair-pin turns and park horizontally. I can boil water with the best of them. I have created exquisite dormatory dwellings using only neo-salvation army techniques. I am a survivor, and unknown in Bangkok.

Using only a large stick and a paper bag, I once single-handedly defended a my backyard from a large invading army. I am the subject of numerous gossips. When I'm bored, I invent ways to attract undesirable pests to my neighbours' yards. I enjoy urban people watching. On Fridays, after work, I throw out the garbage free of charge.

I am a self-proclaimed hippy, a carved in stone peace-maker, and a ruthless loans administrator. I don't stink. I am a private citizen, and I yet I receive no fan mail. I have been caller number nine 6 times. I astral-travel extensively. I bowl 15. I hold the world record for the least number of fish caught. My crafting abilities have earned me recognition as a weirdo in close family circles. Children trust me.

I can flick pennies at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once walked around the perimeter of our city. Faultfinders worldwide flock to rate my original line of minor mistakes. I know the exact location of every public washroom in my neighbourhood. I always wanted to perform covert operations for the CIA.

On weekends, to let off steam, I defy the laws of phsyics and fly. The laws of physics do not apply to me. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I breed prizewinning flies. I was a fairy in Cinderella, I have performed minor surgery and I have held one sided conversations. I travelled the Alaskan Highway.

But I have never met you. Let's change that.