retsaf1

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns.

His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear."

He says "Oh yes it was great. But you forgot to pack my pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

Does anyone else miss the echo?

A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

One day, two guys were driving to a local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red.

A rich old man had had severe hearing problems for some time.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a hearing aid that allowed him to hear better than he had ever heard before.

One month later, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The man said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

Love Ryan, Ryan is funny.

Old fans/people who enderstand photo shop is a thing, would have recognized the thumb nail for this vid is from a the June 21, 2012 Speed Round and knew this was not going to be what was advertised. What we got was so much better than I expected. It was the funniest things I have seen in a long time Ryan. Thank you.

P.S I am going to make a million gifs/demotivational posters from this.

On the first day of school, most of the parents follow the buses to school and take pictures of their kids and friends. My son, who was in first grade, told me he didn't want me to do that. I asked him why not, and he responded, "Last year in kindergarten, I told the people in my class my mom was pretty. I don't want them to know I lied."

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.

The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.

Beer itself is the best scientific invention of all time.

Neo is finally funny.

What's the similarity between American beer and having sex in a canoe?

They are both fucking close to water.

If it's fat in the man breasts, long walks for a fat burning exercise and make sure you are burning more calories than you are taking in every day so watch your diet. A deficient of 200-500 calories a day should be enough. Remember though there are 3500 calories in a lb of fat so the fat loss will take some time. If it's breast tissue the only option is surgery. Large amounts of breast tissue in men comes from rare hormonal imbalances or some can get it from steroid use.

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.''

After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.

After hesitating, they all did it.

''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a keen sense of observation. Thus, I licked my index finger.''

The third woman invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5000 and gave the money back. She then took the profit and and reinvested it into a joint account for the two of them. She told him it was because she loved him so much and wanted a to save for their future. Obviously the man was impressed.

So glad you got the studio and started putting out more vids.

This is awesome.

An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt.

Dumbledore was gay. Like it said it in the books or you just kind of figured it out like with R2D2 and C3PO?

Thank god for good sound checks.

Dragon Ball Z reference at the end. I can appreciate that.

"You tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator started to shout.

The judge thundered back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Two men I like to use as yard sticks and might be near the maximum of human potential are Eugen Sandow and Bobby Pandour. Both these men were strong men at the turn of the century and known for the aesthetic quality of their physiques. I like to use them as yard sticks because they both died before the invention of synthetic testosterone. Anyone born after the 1930's is suspect but these two are for sure natural and very impressive. For more old time strong men go to sandowplus.co.uk