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Today Now! shares a delicious omelet recipe you can make at home with just a few simple and surreal ingredients.

Teachers may have overlooked a number of red flags, including Bobby Knowles' turbulent home life, violent writing, and previous school shootings.

See exclusive articles and pictures on http://www.collegehumor.com

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Designers say the new game explores the endless paperwork, routine patrolling a modern day soldier endures in photorealistic detail.

The map pack contains the new map 'Moon' as well as the 4 Classic World at War zombie maps!

Can we manage 200 likes? Only takes a second to doubl...

Amivi Gama's violent rise to power in East Timor has proved that women are just as capable as men when it comes to brutality and oppression.

From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.

Organizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywhe...

Full coverage tonight at 10/9c on IFC TV. Congress has deemed yelling and screaming as the nation's official mode of communication.

Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC. Women will now be allowed to fight on the front lines, provided a chaperone is there to make sure the...

In tense negotiations, the U.S. State Department agreed to grant the North Korean leader the role of Gotham's Dark Knight Detective. The Onion News...

During the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that the FDA is urging Americans to put something green in their dumb mouths.

The USSR wins the space race after 54 years, Shaquille O'Neal does research on talking for his new job at TNT, and the nation's weirdest teen buys ...

Two teens visit Today Now! in the hopes of finding their kidnapped friend and letting her know that their classmate is totally knocked up.

The Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team reports on whether the nation's waitresses are just being friendly.

The death of another human being is terrific news for once ... the bullet that killed the notorious terrorist is a guest on Good Morning America, a...

The Onion News Network's Brian Scott reports on a popular new Gap clothing line hand-sewn by children overseas.

More coverage at: http://onion.com

World Of World Of Warcraft's amazing level of detail makes players feel like they are actually in a cramped, dark apartment playing World Of Warcra...

Play the demo. Get the poster http://bit.ly/eF0m

Officials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go ...

Americans say attending a 911 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong.

Our morning show's political correspondent offers tips on how you can seem informed about politics without picking up a single newspaper.

Our Tech Trends reporter looks at the new gizmo Sony promises will revolutionize the way consumers become infuriated by goddamn blinking TV box thi...

Adult readers say they are drawn to the 'Green Man' children's book series by the complexity of its characters ranging from yellow to blue.

In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that a cob of bioengineered corn in Iowa begged to be killed.

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish ...

Many parents bring their children to R-rated movies, but are minors mature enough to see our In The Know panelists masturbating to the adult conten...

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Music from Charlie Wilson's new album Just Charlie available now.

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Jon Lajoie - Nine To Five .

Album - I Kill People 2010 .

All credits to Jon Lajoie !

Two prospective Eagle Scouts explain how they are preventing breast cancer by helping women examine their breasts.

Today Now! brings you the inspiring story of Brian Peete, a fat boy who hid his obesity from other children at the pool by keeping his shirt on.

M...

Travel expert Cathy Barnette shows Jim and Tracy how to see the world without spending a dime or even leaving your home.

Shut your fucking face uncle fucker from south park

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After her best friend was killed by flying debris, Today Now host Tracy Gill dedicated her life to protecting other people from wind-borne rubble.

Our panelists debate whether TV programs like A Double Shot At Love and The Bad Girls Club depict unattainable levels of skankiness.

Unless Americans turn to alternative sources of entertainment, the 'Hannah Montana' star will soon be completely tapped out.

Congress hopes the Pornographic Media Concealment Act will ensure a lasting, respectable legacy for our nation, unmarred by the massive quantities ...

Suspect Alex Croft, who has a ton of black friends, planned to kill Obama because of his socialist agenda—not because of his skin color.

Sex offender Michael Cote carefully engineered his rise to teen pop stardom to gain access to thousands of underage girls.

This week's Rage Quit is "all that and a bag of trash."

Female friends spend a raucous night validating the living shit out of each other, an exhausted sweatshop worker just has to laugh after sewing her...

Repeatedly stabbing monkeys with sharpened objects may have an adverse effect on their health, according to a new study.

More coverage at: http://...

Host Kent Coleslaw explores the unanswered fundamental questions of mankind, such as: "Why are we here?" and "Where do hats come from?"

A new face in Canadian Politics. Jon Lajoie is Brent Horst: Politician. Please ignore the poor production quality, this is the first video that ...

Scripted it to keep it short.