I was thinking of relationships on a spiritual level; the idea of sacrificing too much for people and losing sight of who I am and what I deserve and need from another person (when, ultimately, the truest sense of love would be realizing that I "need" NOTHING from a relationship). When thinking, though, back on things I've learned about love this year, I thought about sacrifice. And having been raised Born-Again Baptist, those Biblical references seem to be constantly accessible. And what better reference, then, than Abraham.

I've had a year where I decided I wanted to shovel off my emotional pressure to attain a romantic relationship in this serial monogamy kind of mentality (where every date is being measured up--from the first 5 minutes--as the potential Cary Grant figure). There are a lot of problems with that. So then, after hitting bottom about it after falling hard and kind of licking the ground while I was there, I realized, grit-in-teeth, that I was simply worth more. And it wasn't someone else's fault for not giving me what I deserved, it was / is mine. There comes a time in our lives where we just have to stop saying "I am shit;" and start saying "I am THE shit!" So this song is about going through a period where I tried to compete with the status quo, do the "gay slut" thing, try to just enjoy life / sex--but I've realized, you know what--that's just not me. And it's cool that other guys can do that, who's to say that's not their path? But it's not mine. And I am finally proud of that.

WITH that, though, comes this fantastic responsibility to then remember that that can be overwhelming. I think a lot of people wrestle with this idea of "playing the game." Rational people don't think they're playing a game, and in truth--they're not. They're just rational about everything and it looks like a game to *Romantic people (guess which one I am!). Now, Romantic people think that withholding ON ANY LEVEL is "playing the game." But, the truth is, you just have to find a way to adapt to the person you're interested in. I'm no guru, I'm not even really having any success "capturing the audience" I'm after right now, BUT--I AM having success remembering that I am important and have to worry about myself.

Which leads me (sorry, this is a long explanation, I know...I'm almost done then I'll give you the lyrics) to this fantastic Hebrew line at the end. I was looking tonight for a way to end the last phrase in the song. I started chanting this fake language thing at the end, so I started looking up parts of it phonetically. Then, I remembered the song began with Abraham (Hebrew Bible Sacrifice, etc...) so why not end it with a Hebrew phrase that fits the song. And I KID YOU NOT, the first Hebrew phrase I found online with a translation and pronunciation key was אם אין אני לי מי לי ("im ein ani mi li) which translates to "If I am not there for myself, who will be there for me?"

lyrics:

I Lifted mine eyes to the hills in the cold
And in fixing on you everything I was told
Delivered my flock from the beast of the fold
But you took my Isaac

So I raised my hand and I suffered some
better leave it or go to that place where its done
I was shepherding peace in the field but a gun
Went off into my love
And I lost control of

So I give you thanks for the courage that parted my heart
and besides what you offered, Im doing my part
to give back to the people who dont know how empty they are

when strangers and sex were up on demand
I had access to Heaven by way of nightstand
511 and blonde with a Norwegian tan
but Id rather date him

When I was out there in the untaken aisle
Nevermind what I said, it was said in denial—
So I brought myself back cause I found me worthwhile
And sober and true
To all that I gleaned from you.

Im putting up shelves to free up the floor
Ive been buying used hearts at consignment stores
And the feelings are cheap cause the content is poor
They just take up space now

And My lineage spans to the guts of Pompei
Who laid claim to Beirut and then waste to My Lai
Im not saying that I would approve of the play
But I had a scene
In that old destructive scheme

אם אין אני לי מי לי
(Im ein ani mi li) (less info)