MY STORY

First before I begin, I would like to say that if you have arrived here and are looking for information and a testimonial that will help you as a gay man or woman to stay strong in the LDS church, this is not the blog for you. My intention in taking up this tiny corner of cyberspace is to share my experience, and assist people who may feel trapped in their own life. I am here to say that if you have to choose between the church and your life, leave the church and choose your life. If you are in between and looking for support within the mormon community, you will have better luck with other blogs and groups, of which there are many! The important thing to remember is that you are not alone in whatever you feel and whatever your goals are, and all of us need and deserve support!

That being said, here is my story:
Several weeks after receiving my acceptance letter to attend BYU I came out to my family, friends and church leaders. I knew I was gay but I really wanted to serve a mission, and I had a strong testimony of the restored gospel. During my freshman year at the Y I came out to anyone who would listen, and I explored my sexuality in ways that were not ecclesiastically punishable. Basically I kissed a lot of guys because I was a horny 18 year old, but then I never let them do anything really comprimising with me because I was really set on serving a mission. I figured that other boys that age get to make out with people they were attracted to, so I should get to as well. And I did. When I turned 19 I told my bishop about my year of self proclaimed debauchery at BYU and he said that since I had not actually broken the law of chastity, he could still recommend me to serve a full time mission. He said he felt the Spirit really strongly confirm to him that I was supposed to serve. And serve I did.

I was called to the Culiacan, Mexico mission and served from 1996-1998. My mission was absolutely incredible, and I had the unique experience of being out to many companions, members and to my mission president as well. My homosexuality was not much of an issue to me on my mission, I never felt deeply attracted to any of my companions, and I never had any desire to further explore my sexuality while serving. (probably all those NCMOs at BYU carried me through). I loved my mission and can't imagine my life without having served.

On returning home I became instantly aware of the resurfacing power of my feelings toward the same gender. I decided that I would date women or men, whoever I wanted, but that I would not break the law of chastity and thus vouchsafe my temple recommend. I was a boundary whore. I had so many boundaries I looked like a friggin map. But that worked for me because it allowed me to continue my education at BYU while still allowing me to develop in terms of my sexuality somewhat. I was called into the honor code office frequently, as many people reported that I was openly gay. After I explained my stance to the Honor Code, they basically left me alone because I wasn't having sexual relations and I had a temple recommend.

I remained in that middle ground for many years. I felt a distant desire to marry a woman, but I never met anyone who I thought would be a good candidate to marry someone in my situation, let alone a woman I found sexually appealing. I am just not sexually attracted to women in the least bit and I never have been. My family accepted me as a gay person, but the caviat was that I would someday marry in the temple and have a family.

About 2 years ago I decided that I wanted to have a real adult relationship, and that I was still going to be open to meeting and marrying a woman if I met someone I fell for. However, I would also be open to meeting and marrying a man if I met someone I fell for. I started dating men and women seriously, and I met someone who I fell in love with. The process of truly allowing my heart to choose someone based on its own criteria and not on the criteria my mind had so often imposed was very empowering. I was surprised almost that my heart could love after all those boundaries, but I feel in love, and someone fell in love with me! My boyfriend and I have been together for about two and a half years. It is not a perfect relationship, and it takes hard work and growing pains for us to continue, but love is the glue that keeps us together. I have discovered for now that my growth can only take place in a space where my soul is able to flourish. I no longer believe the church to be the only true church on the face of the earth. I believe that the church, like other churches, does a lot of good for many people, but does not hold all the answers to the challenge of life for all people as it claims. As for me, I have enrolled as a full time student in the school of love, of creation, of joy, and of hope. I like it, because admission is free and there is a seat for anyone who wants to join the class.