ƸӜƷ.Jeff´s unconsciously killing fear was to fall into nothingness.ƸӜƷ

» It´s most essential to prevent that a human being becomes a killer, generally a destructive person, by stopping to be blind and deaf when a child cries for help. Jeff did it, unconsciously, all the time.
Yes, the reasons for emotional and addictive illness, violence, compulsions etc. are to find in the childhood and are the roots for violence and mental illness. The more sensitive and intelligent a child is, the more humiliated and tormented a child feels, when there is no other way than to repress those feelings to be able to survive, the worse are the consequences for himself and others. «

I show myself in my bg pic with Jeff side by side to express that I love that child what was within him and feel for him.

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Sunday, the first Advent 1994, had been Jeff´s last day of his life. The following day, on November 28., early in the morning, he was beaten to death.

Jeff´s first victim died in the same way.
The difference was the converse reason:
Jeff couldn´t endure that the young man went away---and Jeff was killed because they wanted him away---
Jeff´s repressed feelings - fears and rage - had come in an uncontrolled way to the surface, it was like an explosion.
Jeff himself said it: He suddenly felt a murderous rage because that guy wanted to leave him. Jeff didn´t feel his fears, because his fears let him feel so helpless that was something he couldn´t bear at all. This total feeling of helplessness turned due to his repressions to the contrary, as a vent, as a compensation, it turned into a most terrible way, a compulsion to become a creator of death.

To feel incredibly helpless wasn´t the only trigger for his crimes, there was a bundle of reasons what multiplied by itself.

Many people say:" Jeff´s childhood wasn´t so bad that it could lead to such most horrible crimes, other people´s childhoods were worse and they didn´t become serial killers."
This opinion is simply stupid and ignorant.
People judge without knowledge. They aren´t able to understand and they don´t want to understand.

To my mind, Jeff killed and was killed because no one wanted him and that´s a main point of the tragedy of Jeff´s life. This "insane"
Christopher Scarver didn´t it alone, it was a "commando raid", a foregone conclusion by the prison staff.

No one wanted him, not that lovely kid he had been, not that tormented teen with the "weird" compulsions and his locked mouth...
not the man who lived his lonely life in secrecy, who let nobody come close.
In his world no one had admittance except death. Dead men couldn´t hurt him, couldn´t leave him, couldn´t degrade him. But in reality he only wanted them with him. Unconsciously, compulsively he did with them what had been done with him. And he killed them instead of himself and for himself.

His incredibly strong need for closeness and at the same time fear of it, a result of a lack of love for him and the sexual abuse, mixed with the consequences of his repressions---
turned to horror - cannibalism and all was connected with his sexuality. That it developed in that way has to do with an unconscious process to compensate his suffered extremely desperate pain. And Jeff was overwhelmed with it. He didn´t know that he had developed emotional disorders, he thought he was devilishly bad....and so he didn´t see how he could find help. He couldn´t see himself, he was totally blocked due to his defense mechanism.

Jeff had to his mind, i think, only two possibilities to stop himself: to commit suicide or to surrender to the police. His willing to survive was stronger and he wasn´t able to realize what he did, that means his compulsions were so strong that they killed his empathy. Jeff was at the mercy of his terrible compulsions, he felt inwardly incredibly torn, torn to pieces
...that is connected with his compulsion to dismember and to make pictures of it.

Jeff was a lost human and I am quite sure
...after he had no place on earth...
he has his place in heaven now.

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I TAKE UP THE CUDGELS ON BEHALF OF JEFF AFTER HIS DEATH, that´s my own way to see him, to analyze..... and I think, I feel, I am right.

Jeff himself became dead inside like a zombie due to his repressions and his secrets. When his secrets were gone after his arrest he could see and feel what he had done. But his repressions stayed and so his compulsions.

As a kid/youth everyone ignored him and let him down though there always were visible signs for his inner horror he tried to hide, because he trusted no one.
When he was a man, one could see that he had/made problems, but no one was able and interested in seeing through his lies and pretending he needed to survive in his totally isolated world.......and in the end there were 18 victims including Jeff.

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I wrote 4 letters to Jeff in prison, 2 were anonymous (1992) and 2 letters (1993/94) I sent via his attorney. I wanted to be sure that they will reach him.
However, I am afraid that I didn´t reach Jeff. With my mails - though and just as the last one was somehow an "attack" with all the brutal candor in it - I was on his side, but I think he couldn´t see me, he was too far away from himself.

Jeff didn´t want to see his crimes in connection with his childhood and exactly about that I wrote - I mostly analyzed - in my last 26 pages long handwriting letter. I still get copies.
Jeff didn´t reply. But I think this was most probably the longest letter he ever got and it contained a great deal of truth he couldn´t endure.
It wasn´t my intention to bother him - I wanted to help him.

With "far away from himself" I mean:
Jeff didn´t know the truth of his life because he couldn´t remember his extremely unbearable traumas. It was impossible to him without help.
Jeff got no help, in no way, his whole life long. And Jeff had no chance, at no time.

My purpose is to make the consequences of Jeff´s destruction comprehensible. A lot of people only see what he did and not the root of his development. Being fascinated of his gruesome acts or consider him a monster are wrong ways to deal with him what leads to nothing except ignorance and hate.
It´s essential to prevent that a human being becomes destructive by stopping to be blind and deaf when a child cries for help in different ways.
It´s unforgivable that a child like Jeff was so abadoned by everone around him that he had no place in our world.

I´ve felt for Jeff because I´ve realized what had led to his crimes, that´s why I wrote to him in prison.
That doesnt mean that I don´t find it extremely horrible what he compulsively did. But it was fatefully terrible what had been done with him and caused his crimes.

It´s important to see the reasons for that----

it isn´t "allowed" to destroy a child,
it isn´t "normal" to be so blind -

and to learn by it.


I consider Jeff my soulmate. That I can identify with him has only to do with his childhood and nothing with his crimes, however, I know what it means to have an inner hell. My in- and extensive deal with Jeff´s life has changed my own life in a positive way.
To understand that is a complex and complicated matter ...anyway...
I am aware of the right reasons.

I see that deadly traumatized kid within him, a kid who had been very sensitive, intelligent and full of life,
a kid who was so totally ignored and degraded that he felt erased,
a kid who couldnt be aggressive to vent his anger and fears because he was too well-mannered and didnt want to burden his parents, he loved them in spite of everything,
a kid who had been massively sexually abused,
a kid who felt so helpless and humiliated that he could only survive by repressing his unbearable feelings,
a kid who was tormented by violent thoughts and feelings - resulted from his repressions - he didnt understand and couldnt entrust to anybody,
a kid who was alone in this world,
a kid who developed conspicuous symptoms which all overlooked,
a kid who dealt with death as a symptom (first dead animals) what later incredibly escalated during an incredibly long time while everyone let him down and looked away.

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51 years ago on May 21st, 1960 - a Saturday - you were born.
If you were still alive, you would have been since about 20 years in prison, but you were killed there after about 3 years.

At that time you were a Christian, you took essential comfort in it, you were full of remorse,
you were depressed and afflicted with your past, you didn´t understand yourself - your defense mechanism was too strong -
you had begun to get contacts coming out of your shell,
you were young, highly intelligent and beautiful on both counts --- with such a lost potential to live a fulfilled life +++ you had no future.

You never had a future and you knew that - however you didn´t realize one had taken your future from you when you had been an innocent child - a vicious circle in your case - your innocent victims you didn´t kill out of hate had therefore also no future anymore.

The aftermath of your traumatic experience caused your terrible compulsions which led to unspeakable escalations during such a long time - no one saw about it, everyone was blind, it all went disastrously wrong - you could do what you compulsively did without a check - everybody failed.
And you always tried to survive but you never really lived.

Jeff, at all times I will miss and long for that man you truly were and you couldn´t be.

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My deal with Jeff mainly in a psychological way is my passion and not an obsession. It has led to feel for him and to like him.
Besides I am able to perceive and understand what had happened to Jeff that he became what he has become.

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