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Experts predict that Joad Cressbeckler could tip the election to Obama by attracting people who want to vote for the most crotchety candidate possi...

The Obama campaign is cautiously optimistic after initial reports indicated that most of the people killed were registered Republicans.

During the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that the FDA is urging Americans to put something green in their dumb mouths.

http://onionnewsnetwork.com Fridays @ 10/9c on IFC TV Next on Onion News Network on IFC

Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC. After years of gridlock, Democrats and Republicans have realized no one remembers how to actually ena...

The anchors of the Onion News Network's top-rated program "FactZone" answer viewers' questions about what it's like behind the scenes of the most p...

(Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC) Terrorists are planting normal, hard-working Muslim Americans throughout the nation to get us to lowe...

In The Know panelists discuss yesterday's truck accident, and why nothing was done to prevent the vehicle from accidentally spiraling out of contro...

ONN's Terrorism Expert Omar Al-Farouq explains how Al-Qaeda's love for the beloved teen vampire series prevented the death of thousands.

Reporter Don Abrams speculates whether the woman got in a fight with her boyfriend or if maybe she just lost her job.

Jim and Tracy welcome Chris Morgan, the kindergartener who wrote the latest action-packed "Fast And The Furious" sequel.

Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.

Over 75% of an average American's exercise now comes from drunkenly dancing, stealing street signs, and carrying home passed-out friends.

Full coverage tonight at 10/9c on IFC TV. Congress has deemed yelling and screaming as the nation's official mode of communication.

Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC. The local Onion affiliate in Pennington, IL reports the tire is basically new and there for the taking.

The court ruled a white teen who stabbed a classmate to death will face the jury as a 300-pound black man. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on...

Our Tech Trends reporter looks at the new gizmo Sony promises will revolutionize the way consumers become infuriated by goddamn blinking TV box thi...

From Onion News Network International: North Korea's space program will capture the moon and bring it home, a feat no Western nation could accomplish.

On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy meet James Kimura, a 12-year-old afflicted with the ability to spell long words normal kids don't even care about.

Today Now! welcomes adventurer and balloonist Trent Montague, who is determined to steer the conversation to the horrors of horse abuse.

After her best friend was killed by flying debris, Today Now host Tracy Gill dedicated her life to protecting other people from wind-borne rubble.

Play the demo. Get the poster http://bit.ly/eF0m

Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn't investigate other suspects.

Celebrity watchers attribute the exorbitant price to the incredibly low demand for any news about Jennifer Love Hewitt.

The U.S. is considering sanctions against the Eastern European nation if it does not reduce the number of unsolicited offers for Viagra and replica...

Amivi Gama's violent rise to power in East Timor has proved that women are just as capable as men when it comes to brutality and oppression.

Made by Pfizer, Despondex is the first drug designed to treat the symptoms of excessive perkiness.

Panelists dismiss the notion that something could go wrong with the 75-foot-tall crabs that shoot acid from their mouths.

Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US.

Treasury officials say the gold has just been rattling around in the bottom of some vaults at the US Bullion Depository anyway.

White House officials are confident the President will be able to convince the wildfire to stop incinerating large swaths of land and American homes.

The Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred.

'E-Mom' Gloria Bianco shows Jim and Tracy how geographical distance is no longer a roadblock to shamelessly interfering with the lives of your chil...

Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty's antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb.

Jim and Tracy learn that in nations like Sierra Leone children as young as 12 are forced to smile, wave, and shake hands until they drop from exhau...

Doing away with kid-friendly info bubbles and colorful photos, new 'TIME Advanced' will cater to adults with an interest in news.

A deputy assistant at the Department of Agriculture speaks truth to power, condemning proposed changes in Idaho's potato output pricing structure.

Mission specialist Robert Barrett first became suspicious when he noticed most of his tasks involved measuring his waist and eating cookie dough.

The spokesdrone will field questions deemed too dangerous for a human press secretary, whose career could be irreparably damaged by answering them.

Before a new program to combat crystal meth can be put into place, Congress has to make sure it has a really awesome name.

Pausing only to eat, the West Highland white terrier yips and yelps 24 hours a day, according to neighbors.

The Blockbuster Video Living Museum offers tourists a glimpse of how Americans rented movies before the advent of services like Netflix and iTunes....

In this Onion News Network special feature, our soldiers stationed abroad remind us there's still a war going on.

More coverage at: http://onion.com

Media speculation is rampant over what exciting action sequences and romantic subplots the hikers may be experiencing if they are still alive.

Mor...

A Colorado-based Christian charity is providing aid for any and all heterosexual Africans in need.

More coverage at: http://onion.com