biglexluthor

Alana I love you. & only U; with all of my heart.. But I was so mixed up, I couldn't see what I was doing and I wasn't no type of man; but I promise with all that is left of me to be a better man; to make you proud of me, to make up 4 all the time I wasted; and to only love you with all my heart with all of my life for all of my days. There has never been no one else and no one ever will comparee. Alana you mean everything to me and the only one I want to spend my life with is you. I shoull'd've listened to you. You were right about everything, Like the morning we were out walking and you told me how drinking scared you. I just didn't want to hear it. I thought U were so naive and subconsciously that if I was gonna be your husband I had control everything to keep from losing you. shouldve trusted you I had no right 2 talk bout facebook or ur friends; I thought I had to wear the pants and that I would have time for your feelings later. I thought that you knew it was an act and that your really knew me and saw through it. I mean my Drill Sgts had to play a role to make us the best we could be in as short a time as possible; but by the time we graduated we all knew and appreciated what they had to do. But I was wrong I dont know nothing but that I love you and I was scared... and I drank and even when I wasn't drinking I shouldve treated you better. It was just us. Against all odds when we got on that bus. When we held each other all though that night I tho knew it all and that you couldnt tell me nothing about something that had been in my life for so long. Through my days growing up in them streets through college and the Army, liquor was like a brother to me But the stupid porn. Wasting my time watching the girls here. There was never no comparing you; I was the one stuck on stupid. The material things I got mad about are nothing without you. They were never worth even the chance of hurting your feelings. In 20/20 hindsight The chairs and stuff don't mean nothing without you. And sweetheart I promise you I never wanted no one else but you; even though in all my BS I may have forgot that (and where I already been). The day I met you I KNEW that you had it shut down. I wasn't buying myself jewelry or clothes or even fixing up a car for myself. I wasn't trying to drag you out to the club or even sweating to be out there myself. I only wanted to be with you; but idle hands are the devils workshop as Chris would say. I shouldve got you a car and a phone I was just stuck stupid in a daze..I loved spending my time with you. The way you fixed up our little bit of nothing I was loving my time with you. But I was wrong. I shouldve been helping you write at least. I just wanted you to tell me what was going on; instead of journaling it. I wanted you 2 share your feelings wit me but I was acting like a Bi*#h and I was wrong. Your Momma raised you to fear and love the Lord and that really was better than the public school miseducation I was so proud of. Now I'm changing my life and giving myself back to God and this might mean nothing to you after everything I've put you and everybody else through; but I haven't walked in the way of the Lord or truly lived like any type of Christian since I left Christian school and my life's been so dark ever since I've been on my own trying to do things my way. But you are my virtuous woman and I lost sight of everything I was the fool that the same book of Proverbs tells "Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise" in chapter 20.. Theres no way you could've known everything, but its amazing to me how you were right about so much that really mattered. I had everything I ever wanted with you and I was too Retarded to see it. Alana I was a jerk and I'm sorry. About everything. I don't know if you ever meant for all this to happen, but everything happens for a reason and you saved my life. Twice now. I couldn't see what I was doing or where we were going till I ended up down here.And now after really reading what you sent I'll never touch another drink again But I l still love you and I miss you. so much. Your all I think about. I remember how we made love the night the lights went out holding your legs up in my arms my hands trembling against your creamy thighs your breath gasping against my neck.. Are bodies melting together we were one. At my parents house candles rocking and shaking dripping flickering.... I wish I could just taste you I mean I wanted to but I was just to embarrassed to let you know tjhat on some real macho BS. But I want to eat you like a fat kid eats a cupcake if I ever get another chance I aint holding back I want A through Z. Right now sitting here missing the funny way you hold your pretty little toes and the way I felt when I saw you in your red hoodie or your robe. I ached for you and I still do. I miss the way you dance, how we danced. your little bahut is the only 1 I care about. Alana I love you.

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