Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3-4-5-6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want; stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional, please press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership...If you're a schizophrenic, listen closely and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you're depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer. If you're dyslexic, please press 6-9-6-9-6-9-6-9. If you have a nervous disorder, fiddle with the 'flash' key until you hear the beep...Then wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, try your call again later. And if you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to speak to you. Beeeeeeeep.

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