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HERE are 25 things you will learn about your average modern-day angst-ridden teenage vampire from watching the new hit movie Twilight:

#Broadly speaking, the world is divided into two groups: normal people, or "mortals& quot;, and vampire people, or "immortals&am p;quot;. The chief advantage of being an "immortal&amp ;quot; is the ability to sit through an entire screening of Australia without regretting the three hours of life you'll never get back.

#There are no unattractive teenage vampires in the Twilight world. All the boys have jaw lines like T-squares and all the girls have 19-inch waists.

#Nobody's hair gets mussed when you're a Twilight vampire, not even during a fight.

#Twilight vampires are capable of astonishing super speed, and are capable of running from one plot hole to another in the blink of an eye.

#They are also into brooding, in a very sophisticated, early-Marlon Brando sort of way. This explains why male vampires always try looking at people through the tops of their eyelids.

#The only time you get a smile out of a Twilight vampire is when they kiss or kill someone. Otherwise, forget it. You could show them a Golden Girls episode. Nothing.

#When a boy vampire falls in love with a mortal girl they engage in prolonged, transcendental exchanges of psychic energy, staring intensely into the depths of each other's souls. This is also known as "making goo-goo eyes".

#"Good&qu ot; vampires are "vegetarians& amp;quot;, meaning they only feed on blood of non-human creatures such as rodents, small woodland animals and middle-management executives. "Bad&quot ; vampires aren't fussy, and will eat anything put in front of them.

#Teen vampires don't smoke, which is crazy because, what? They're gonna get lung cancer?

#When a girl vampire pitches during a special game of gothic vampire baseball she will do so only after first performing a full, ballet-style leg extension. The reason for this is known only to vampires.

#You know those really cool incisor fangs that traditional movie vampires grow just before they dig into somebody's jugular? The teen vampires of Twilight don't have those. They just have straight sexy teeth.

#But they have a super-cool snarl.

#To avoid persecution, vampires must keep their identities hidden by blending in with human society. This they do by living in small, close-knit towns where they wear really weird clothing and refuse to make friends.

#Yet your average Twilight vampire is easy to spot. Just watch for the kid who looks like they've been smacked in the face with a bag of flour.

#Another power teen vampires possess is super strength. They can crush the side of a car with one hand. This is why all Twilight vampires carry compulsory third party.

#A Twilight vampire will only use his super speed on very special occasions, such as when saving somebody's life — or when walking from one side of a car to the other to open the door for his girlfriend.

#When vampires use their super speed to run cross-country they look suspiciously like actors suspended from wires.

#The highly developed olfactory sense in the evil male vampire can detect the virginal blood of an attractive female mortal and so fill him with the all-powerful desire to tear out her throat in a rhapsodic frenzy.

#The good male vampire in love with the mortal girl won't warn her about this minor detail about the vampire feeding ritual until after the evil vampire has added her to his "must eat" list.

#Immortality might sound like fun but Twilight vampires consider it a spiritual burden and a curse and nothing to party about. They're a droopy lot.

#This is why every Twilight vampire should see The Lost Boys as soon as possible.

#A boy vampire in love with a mortal girl will never bite her and so transform her into a vampire with whom he can then spend eternity with, even if she wants him to.

#Though this makes absolutely no freakin' sense whatsoever it is, nonetheless, a deeply powerful romantic gesture in the Twilight world of the angst-ridden teenage vampire.

#You can't kill a Twilight vampire using traditional methods such as garlic or a stake through the heart. You have to dismember them and then throw the pieces onto a big bonfire. A really big bonfire.

#To the attractive teenage high-school vampires of Twilight love means never having to say "enough with the hand-holding and puppy-love eyes and the heavy petting. Can we please have some sex now?"

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