With an ass that big you earned the right to half-ass it through life!
Here's the site: dhammatalks (dot) org You'll learn everything you need to know about Buddhism. It's free and it's loaded with audio recordings and PDFs. It's the closest translation of the Buddha's actual words. I treat it as a philosophy more than a religion. Days Fly By is my favourite (2004 July entry)
Supertrain is coming. Pack your bags and hope to Christ there's room for ya