About this user
I can no longer sit back and allow Zombie infiltration, Zombie indoctrination, Zombie subversion and the international Zombie conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
The details of my life are quite inconsequential. My father was a relentlessly self-improving used car salesman from Belgium, who was a loyal Jehovah's Witness Elder. He had low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. She was studying to be a Witness when they married. She already had two bastard sons and they had webbed feet also, along with a very limited IQ. I never was able to see eye to eye with them, as they never matured mentally. - Or grew taller than 4 feet. They also suffered from an extremely bad body odor. (They grew up to become Elders in the local congregation like my father. Or "Glorious Ones" as they liked to call themselves.) When my father was not giving talks at the Kingdom Hall, studying the Watchtower, or going door to door, he would womanize, he would drink, he would watch porn on the Internet, and he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possesses and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets and attend District Conventions. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really, this was taught by the Witnesses, as a way to prepare the young for the way the world would treat them. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, the presiding overseers wife whose name was Vilma, ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it. ----- (This is of course a joke. It is a parody of Austin Powers. But I've had more than one JW tell me this was a lie. - Geez.)
Country
United States
