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Best of Onion Politics
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1
Heartbroken Santorum Condemns Gay Marriage For Two-Timing Jerks Like Nick
by The Onion
126,050 views
An emotional Rick Santorum stepped up his anti-gay rhetoric this week, saying jerks like Philadelphia's Nicholas Wiseman should not be allowed to marry a man they barely know when there's someone out there who truly cares for them.
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2
GOP Introduces New "Mystery Candidate" With Paper Bag Over Head
by The Onion
67,554 views
Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election. (Aired 11/18/11)
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3
Did Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman
by The Onion
84,812 views
The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy. (Aired 11/1/11)
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4
Grover Norquist: 'I Engaged In A Week-Long Drug-Fueled Orgy With Corporate Income Taxes'
by The Onion
40,623 views
President of Americans for Tax Reform Grover Norquist confirms that he carried on a 28-year salacious affair with taxes.
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5
President's Approval Rating Soars After Punching Wall Street Banker in Face
by The Onion
119,494 views
As featured on Tuesday's "Onion News Network" on IFC, President Obama is back on top after cleaning the clock of a smug Wall Street banker.
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6
Obama Begs U.S. Not To Embarrass Him In Front Of French (Season 1: Ep 8 on IFC)
by The Onion
118,980 views
In the Daily Briefing, Obama asks the nation to "be cool" while his friends Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni are in town.
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7
GOP Supports Obama For 2012: 'We Need More Time To Completely Ruin His Life'
by The Onion
68,437 views
Straight and gay service members are looking forward to asking and telling, scientists believe the recent heat wave may have been caused by a massive star at the center of the Solar System, and Bristol Palin reveals that her mother has had 15 abortions. It's the week of August 8th, 2011.
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8
Social Security Reform Bill Encourages Americans To Live Faster, Die Younger
by The Onion
170,768 views
The new law will remove restrictions on cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol as well as provide tax incentives for seniors who bungee jump off of cliffs.
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9
Tensions Mount After North Korea Destroys All Of Asia
by The Onion
291,537 views
Congress has pledged to consider looking into new sanctions following North Korea's eradication of all life on the Asian continent.
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10
Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation's Porn From Future Generations
by The Onion
424,867 views
Congress hopes the Pornographic Media Concealment Act will ensure a lasting, respectable legacy for our nation, unmarred by the massive quantities of filthy porn we regularly consume.
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11
Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'
by The Onion
696,832 views
Suspect Alex Croft, who has a ton of black friends, planned to kill Obama because of his socialist agenda—not because of his skin color.
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12
Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech
by The Onion
1,861,576 views
After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.
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13
Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads
by The Onion
217,447 views
Citing White House Pressure, Hennessy pulled the Biden ads saying "Joe will always epitomize the smooth, original style of our world class cognac."
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14
Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner
by The Onion
476,837 views
Officials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go smoothly.
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15
Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire
by The Onion
262,640 views
White House officials are confident the President will be able to convince the wildfire to stop incinerating large swaths of land and American homes.
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16
U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan
by The Onion
284,610 views
Innocent civilians across the impact zone are picking up the pieces after Secretary of State Clinton's tedious visits to their farms, cultural centers.
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17
White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase
by The Onion
508,701 views
White House officials admit Obama's extreme confidence and total euphoria over "hope" and "change" were symptoms of a prolonged manic episode.
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18
U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt
by The Onion
371,270 views
Congress says that with no way to actually pay back our debts, faking a coup to eliminate financial obligations is the best plan for the U.S. economy.
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20
Congressman Demands To Know Who Left Fish Sandwich To Rot On House Floor
by The Onion
119,374 views
Rep. McCullough cannot even fathom the amount of contempt you'd have to hold for Congress, the American people to do something so inconsiderate.
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21
Obama Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's
by The Onion
434,961 views
Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.
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22
Congress Debates Elaborate Dance For Obama's Inauguration
by The Onion
90,667 views
Rep. Cummings (D-VA) wants to mark Obamas historic inauguration with an intricately choreographed dance piece of his own creation.
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23
Obama Win Causes Obsessed Backers To See How Empty Lives Are
by The Onion
1,370,301 views
The revelation that Obama's candidacy was the only thing that gave their lives any meaning has caused many supporters to wander aimlessly, unsure of what to do with themselves.
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24
Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad On McCain
by The Onion
299,100 views
In response to Republican attacks, Barack Obama unleashed a series of slightly negative ads that gently point out how McCain could be doing a better job.
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25
McCains Economic Plan: 'Everyone Marry A Beer Heiress'
by The Onion
105,957 views
McCain pointed to his personal success in marrying a wealthy beer heiress to prove how the plan could benefit every American.
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26
Economists Warn Anti-Bush Product Market Close To Collapse
by The Onion
143,962 views
The sudden drop in demand for "Buck Fush" T-shirts and "Hail to the Chimp" posters could leave millions unemployed.
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27
Congress Struggles To Come Up With Cool Name For Drug Law
by The Onion
154,833 views
Before a new program to combat crystal meth can be put into place, Congress has to make sure it has a really awesome name.
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28
Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 08 Election
by The Onion
404,840 views
Embarrassed Diebold officials apologized after one of their electronic voting machines prematurely revealed the winner of our upcoming sham election.
More coverage at: http://onion.com -
29
White House Announces 'Everything Great In Iraf'
by The Onion
210,443 views
Panelists discuss why the media and public are not paying more attention to the overwhelming success of the U.S.'s invasion of Iraf.
More coverage at: http://onion.com -
30
More Candidates Court Fat Vote
by The Onion
89,986 views
Presidential candidates are reaching out to fat voters on the campaign trail by eating large amounts of food.
More coverage at: http://www.onion.com -
31
Romney's Super Tuesday Polls Surge After He Begins Flaunting His Wealth
by The Onion
48,163 views
Instead of downplaying his millionaire status, Mitt Romney is now wearing fur coats and gold chains.
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