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The Onion
Troublehacking
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1
Troublehacker - Whenever I Leave The House, Broken Glass Cuts My Feet
by The Onion
126,444 views
Hey there bipeds! Big pieces of glass lacerating your feet? No need to track blood through your step-father's house when there's a simple fix! And all of the materials can be found at a mid-sized municipal waste yard! Find out with me, Drew Cleary, on today's Troublehacking!
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2
My iPhone Is Covered In White Mold! Help! - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
131,561 views
There's no app for fixing your iPhone when it gets covered in white mold, but luckily there's a Trouble Hacker! I'm showing you guys how to get rid of this all-too-common problem.
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3
Kenneth Branagh's Mechanical Spider Attacking You? Stop Him - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
45,291 views
You may think dropping nitroglycerine from Kevin Kline's biplane is the only way to stop a menacing mechanical spider piloted by Kenneth Branagh. But I've got another trick up my sleeve. Find out, on Trouble Hacking!
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4
Find The Sweet Apricots You Buried So Long Ago - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
44,957 views
Even though you may have buried that box of perfectly-ripened apricots twenty or even thirty years ago in a seemingly endless field where the sun came through the branches of that old spruce tree just so, casting dancing shadows on the dewy tall grass, there's no reason I can't show you how to hack your brain to find it now! You'll have sweet apricot juice running down your cheeks in no time.
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5
Opt Out Of Olive Garden's Bread Bowl, It's Your Right - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
109,309 views
If you've always found Olive Garden's unlimited breadsticks invasive, find out how to opt out of this program the second you walk in the door. Get back your confidence and appetite at your favorite Italian casual dining spot.
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6
Spit Bread On Your Table Properly - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
33,545 views
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Just because your mouth is full of soggy bread doesn't mean you have to swallow it. I've got all the hacks for bread extraction via spitting
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7
My Baby Got Carried Away By A Tumbleweed - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
47,870 views
Today I'm showing you how to track down that tumbleweed that contains your small child. So grab a pot, a knife, and some rancid dog meat: we're gonna find that baby!
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8
Blankets No Longer Warm Me - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
62,592 views
While people often love warming themselves with blankets, many want to join in and can't simply because they are undereducated on what a blanket is. Time to Trouble Hack through the ignorance and get to the bottom of these blanket woes!
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9
How To Die Right After Seeing DC Cherry Blossoms - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
40,836 views
DC cherry blossoms are beautiful when the come into bloom in early spring and an absolutely lovely final image as your eyes sag from the two liters of bleach you ingested or from the 22mm hollowpoint just beginning to eviscerate your brainstem. There's no wrong way to do it as long as those gorgeous flowers are the sad coda to your life.
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10
Banjo Hacking - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
43,114 views
Did you know that the banjo forward roll technique can be mastered in as few as twenty-two seconds? Go from zero to banjo on today's Trouble Hacking as I show you guys how to master this hallmark of old-time Americana!
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11
How Do I Get Those Weight Loss Throat Worms - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
43,622 views
If you want to shed pounds while staying trendy, throat worms are your obvious answer. I'm showing you how to get these little guys to start incubating a colony right below your larynx so you can be looking trim and looking great!
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12
Hack Pesky Time Loops With Insults - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
28,870 views
A webcammer has a great question for me. Time can be a real jerk sometimes, so it's time to fight back with some well-placed insults. Hack time to pieces and stay out of Trouble.
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13
How To Feel Emotions When Holding Your Newborn - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
73,540 views
If looking at an ultrasound of your soon-to-be-born child has you feeling nothing, holding it in your arms will be no better. But I've got just the hack to pretend to your friends, family, and hospital staff that you actually those things we call 'babies.'
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14
How To Know What Words Mean - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
75,300 views
Has every word you've ever spoken been nothing more than a random and meaningless label attached to an object, the true essence of which you will never hope to capture? Not to worry--I've got plenty of tips on how to assign meanings to words and get the most out of symoblic language.
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15
How To Suck Your Drain Clean With Your Mouth - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
by The Onion
46,629 views
Your greatest plumbing tool is not staring you right in the face, because it's right on your face! Pucker up for this episode of Trouble Hacking where I'm showing you how to clear that clogged drain.
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17
Best of Onion Sports: OSN Tackles Underreported Sports
by The Onion
20,837 views
For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Onion Sports Network Underreported Sports is a testament to their oceanic breadth of sports coverage, reporting on everything from the saga of Donkey Basketball phenom Scraps and his struggle to adjust to professional donkey basketball to Sepak Takraw bad-boy Nguywen Thi Buch Thuy, who memorably demanded "Just Give Me The Damn Sepak Takraw Ball."
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18
The Best Of Today Now!: Fresh Roasted Cup Of News
by The Onion
34,486 views
For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
The best of the Onion News Network's morning show, including stories like New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke' and '12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams.'
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19
Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year
by The Onion
28,941 views
For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Widely regarded as one of the online world's brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.
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20
Government-Issued PSA Urging Teens To Fuck Their Brains Out
by The Onion
47,731 views
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The above is a 2008 PSA issued by the Department of Health and Human Services in support of the "Fuck Your Brains Out" sex education program.
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21
All Of Nation's Living Presidents Gather To Lie About Bush Presidency
by The Onion
44,168 views
For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
A study finds that wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in America, a man says 'fuck it' and eats lunch and 10:58 a.m., and Dzhokar Tsarnaev posts bail. It's the week of April 26, 2013.
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22
Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.
by The Onion
55,414 views
For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Reasoning that he's a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at 10:58 a.m. Wednesday that, fuck it, he was ready for lunch.
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23
The Onion's Future News From The Year 2137
by The Onion
107,767 views
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While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. In the year 2137 a catastrophe has reduced the world to a lawless wasteland — food and water are scarce, social institutions have crumbled, and a screaming, tattooed thug has been installed as the president of what remains of the United States.
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24
Dr. Good's Ultimate Shot Giveaway! - Dr. Good - Ep. 3
by The Onion
48,212 views
A big surprise on today's Dr. Good --everyone in the audience is getting free shots every kind and every dosage! It's a shot-tacular for the ages only on Dr. Good!
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25
Could Plastic Surgery Be Your Ticket To Employment? - Dr. Good - Ep. 2
by The Onion
61,244 views
Does being attractive help you get a job? Hell yes! Dr. Good's resident plastic surgeon Dr. Tanas turns some unemployed ugly ducklings into employable mega-sexy swans.
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26
Your Insides Look Like Smashed Tomatoes - Dr. Good - Ep. 1
by The Onion
38,645 views
Dr. Good and his team take an exclusive look inside the human body using nothing more than smashed tomatoes, dirt, and paper bags. Unlock the secrets to great health with America's favorite daytime TV doctors!
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27
ONION LIVE promo
by The Onion
821 views
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28
There Are People In World Who Are Concerned About Current State Of Hip-Hop
by The Onion
44,930 views
For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
A report published Friday by a team of sociologists has confirmed there are apparently people living in the world today who are deeply concerned about the current state of hip-hop and who continually express genuine worry over the musical genre's future.
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30
VIRAL VIDEO: High School Sophomore Sinks Incredible, Unnecessary Half-Court Shot
by The Onion
59,433 views
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Ryan Jurgens rode the bench most of the season, but when his coach gave him a chance, it really paid off!
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31
Cutest Guy In Whole Office Not Even Particularly Attractive
by The Onion
55,462 views
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After over seven years of weekly meetings with his psychiatrist, 35-year-old Chris Vaughan told reporters Friday he is thrilled to be just two 45-minute sessions away from completely resolving all of his problems.
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32
Brad Pitt Decides To Grow Out Forehead Hair
by The Onion
44,572 views
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Leading social media site HarvardConnection is now valued at $400 billion, a couple is making out like its fucking Paris, and a freezing coatless woman has decided it's spring. It's the week of April 12, 2013.
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33
Excited Man Only Two Therapy Sessions Away From Resolving Issues
by The Onion
36,217 views
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After over seven years of weekly meetings with his psychiatrist, 35-year-old Chris Vaughan told reporters Friday he is thrilled to be just two 45-minute sessions away from completely resolving all of his problems.
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34
Couple Making Out At Bus Stop Like It's Fucking Paris
by The Onion
164,296 views
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According to locals waiting for the westbound number 66 shuttle at Chicago Avenue and Racine Avenue, a young man and woman seated on a bench at the bus stop are currently making out like it's fucking Paris or something.
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35
Onion News Empire Official Trailer
by The Onion
110,006 views
Watch Onion News Empire, Episode 1 now: http://amzn.to/11KlVvn
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36
How One Hot New Device Helps Couples Drag Out Their Doomed Relationship That Extra Month Or Two
by The Onion
47,765 views
For A Brand New Episode Of Today Now: http://onion.com/12q6IAO
The amazing new "Relationship Pro" video game controller lets both members of a couple pretend they are in a healthy relationship.
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37
Popular Children's Book Author Reveals The 'Spooky Truth' About Creepy Conspiracy Theories
by The Onion
44,564 views
For A Brand New Episode Of Today Now: http://onion.com/ZPmTSZ
The bestselling author of "The Spooky Truth" series wants to teach kids that pulling back the curtain on what the government doesn't want us to know can be fun!
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38
Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression
by The Onion
35,268 views
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While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one's unique personality and subjective emotional experience.
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39
Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl
by The Onion
59,247 views
For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
An aquarium unveils its new 'Floating Carcasses of the Pacific' exhibit, a guy with 10,000 tweets and 15 followers is about ready to hang it up, and a local father buys string cheese to make coming to his house more fun. It's the week of March 29, 2013.
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40
Ashamed Student Affairs Committee Reveals There Aren't Any Awesome Events This Weekend
by The Onion
33,824 views
For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Expressing shame and remorse in an email to the students of Hamilton College on Friday, disgraced student affairs coordinator Jessica Li, 20, regretfully informed undergraduates that there would be no cool events occurring on campus this weekend.
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41
Finance Expert Saves Struggling Zoo By Firing All Employees, Getting Rid Of Cages
by The Onion
31,891 views
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On Today NOW!, the savvy businessman who turned a zoo on the verge of bankruptcy into a money-making machine shares management tips with Jim and Tracy.
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42
Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up
by The Onion
45,499 views
For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Saying that he's probably done all he could possibly do at this point, Twitter user Aaron Gartner confirmed Tuesday that after posting 10,000 tweets and accumulating just 15 followers, the 26-year-old is pretty much ready to pack it in and discontinue his account.
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43
Jessica Simpson Goes On Nationwide Book Tour To Promote The Novel She Read
by The Onion
39,167 views
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
The pregnant starlet has finished reading her long-awaited first book and is currently traveling the country to promote the John Grisham thriller to her fans.
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44
Today NOW! Hosts Shake 7UP TEN Cans, Guarantee Explosive New Episode
by The Onion
25,971 views
For The Latest Today NOW!: http://onion.com/Yi52YW
Watch an all new episode of Today NOW! this Thursday exclusively at theonion.com.
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