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The Onion
Today Now!
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1
Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air
by The Onion
73,940 views
Jim Haggerty helps to raise awareness about kidney stones by undergoing an operation in front of cameras.
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2
Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself
by The Onion
155,942 views
Today Now! welcomes Linda Johnston, the inspiring woman who made history by talking about herself continuously for over fifty hours.
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3
Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack
by The Onion
317,153 views
On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy talk to an 11-year-old who had his leg gnawed off by a cool-as-hell shark. (Aired 10/4/11)
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4
Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses
by The Onion
72,800 views
Jim and Tracy partner with the "Bridles of Hope" charity to replace the wife Don Groton lost to a drunk driver with a beautiful miniature horse.
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5
Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall
by The Onion
687,732 views
Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society.
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6
Chinese Paint Tops List Of This Year's Must-Have Holiday Gifts
by The Onion
80,430 views
Parents are lining up at disreputable hardware stores across the nation to get their hands on this holiday season's most sought-after item: a bucket of vivid, low-odor chinese paint.
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7
Jim And Tracy Put On Fat Suits To See What Life Is Really Like For Awful Fat People
by The Onion
73,510 views
Jim and Tracy go undercover in fat suits to find out how greedy, obnoxious, fat people are discriminated against by the public.
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8
Celebrity Chef Ted Allen Cooks His Favorite Pretentious Foodie Bullshit Meal
by The Onion
158,043 views
Jim and Tracy welcome Celebrity Chef Ted Allen on Today Now! to show them how to make the most obnoxious, contrived meals for your dickhead foodie friends.
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9
Millions Irrationally Feared Dead In Minor Train Accident
by The Onion
159,926 views
After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.
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10
Today Now!: Save Money By Taking A Vacation Entirely In Your Mind
by The Onion
109,399 views
Travel expert Cathy Barnette shows Jim and Tracy how to see the world without spending a dime or even leaving your home.
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11
Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates
by The Onion
429,544 views
Two teens visit Today Now! in the hopes of finding their kidnapped friend and letting her know that their classmate is totally knocked up.
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12
Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five"
by The Onion
411,989 views
Jim and Tracy welcome Chris Morgan, the kindergartener who wrote the latest action-packed "Fast And The Furious" sequel.
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13
How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him
by The Onion
537,469 views
Today Now! dating expert Rebeccah Rachel shares tips for getting the attention of that cute guy who's thrusting his erection inside of you.
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14
Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Happy Couple Held
by The Onion
263,439 views
Today Now's Jim Haggerty attends the annual Valentine's Day stoning, which brings comfort and joy to singles everywhere.
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15
New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'
by The Onion
503,052 views
The CDC's new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you're totally crazy for butt sex.
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16
Chinese Gossip Blogger Fights For Freedom To Post Celebrity Up-Skirt Photos
by The Onion
180,872 views
Dissident Zhang Zhuohua fought against the repressive Chinese government which sought to squelch his right to post unflattering pictures of celebrities with penises drawn in their mouths.
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17
Oprah Invites Hundreds Of Lucky Fans To Be Buried With Her In Massive Tomb
by The Onion
243,487 views
Oprah's biggest fans will be entombed alongside her in The Oprahmidion where they will bask in her wisdom for eternity.
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18
Bird Hunted To Near Extinction Due To Infuriating 'Fuck You' Call
by The Onion
266,662 views
A bird expert visits Today Now! to show off the endangered Montana Merkel and discuss his efforts to save this incredibly annoying species.
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19
How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You're Banging On The Side
by The Onion
265,649 views
On Today Now!, golf expert Jordan Ritter has some Pro Tips for maintaining a steady swing while hitting the links with your mistress' husband.
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20
Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures
by The Onion
268,409 views
On Today Now!, author Christine Eckard teaches Jim and Tracy to imagine economic problems as oily, curly-haired "Grabblers."
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21
Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody
by The Onion
291,927 views
"'Molly' and Developmental Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Ives come on Today Now! to talk about her upbringing as a half-human, half-Wolf Blitzer.
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22
Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction
by The Onion
126,189 views
On Today Now!, 87-year-old Beverly DeAngeles gives tips for trapping a census worker in your home for as long as possible.
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23
Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization
by The Onion
421,676 views
Researchers conducting the Friendster excavation say the site has been deserted since the year 2005 A.D.
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24
Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa
by The Onion
180,553 views
Jim and Tracy learn that in nations like Sierra Leone children as young as 12 are forced to smile, wave, and shake hands until they drop from exhaustion.
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25
BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Infants Guilt And Injury Free
by The Onion
455,560 views
Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it had never been born.
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26
Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq
by The Onion
346,297 views
Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty's antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb.
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27
Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee
by The Onion
1,618,795 views
On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy meet James Kimura, a 12-year-old afflicted with the ability to spell long words normal kids don't even care about.
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28
Today Now! Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris
by The Onion
224,602 views
After her best friend was killed by flying debris, Today Now host Tracy Gill dedicated her life to protecting other people from wind-borne rubble.
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29
How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping, Severing Your Spine
by The Onion
277,776 views
Author Jerry Bloom visits Today Now to explain how you can make your kitchen floor shine without falling and paralyzing yourself for life.
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30
Police Say School Shooter Had History Of School Shootings
by The Onion
587,902 views
Teachers may have overlooked a number of red flags, including Bobby Knowles' turbulent home life, violent writing, and previous school shootings.
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31
Man Who Crossed US In Balloon Only Talks About Horse Abuse
by The Onion
273,325 views
Today Now! welcomes adventurer and balloonist Trent Montague, who is determined to steer the conversation to the horrors of horse abuse.
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32
NASA Simulator Preps Astronauts For Larry King Interview
by The Onion
200,498 views
NASA instructors offer a firsthand look at the training astronauts endure before they can physically and mentally withstand an appearance on Larry King Live.
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33
12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Offer To Give Breast Exams
by The Onion
3,395,363 views
Two prospective Eagle Scouts explain how they are preventing breast cancer by helping women examine their breasts.
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34
Disney Geneticists Debut New Child Stars
by The Onion
1,647,149 views
Disney claims its latest batch of child stars is so lifelike, youll barely be able to tell they have no souls.
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35
Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As TV
by The Onion
214,686 views
On Today Now! paranormal detective Leonard Higgs explains that using ghosts to solve crimes actually involves a lot of paperwork.
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36
'Cosmopolitan' Completes Study On How To Please Your Man
by The Onion
305,179 views
Cosmo scientists have finally cataloged every single way to satisfy your man's carnal cravings by stimulating his secret sex zones.
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37
Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Presidency
by The Onion
587,145 views
President Bush will seek to comfort victims of his presidency as they try to make sense of the destruction he has caused.
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38
Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election
by The Onion
601,876 views
Our morning show's political correspondent offers tips on how you can seem informed about politics without picking up a single newspaper.
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39
Diet Book Author Advocates New 'No Food Diet'
by The Onion
316,153 views
Today Now! talks with a diet book author who reveals that many things are surprisingly edible when you are driven mad by hunger.
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40
Software Indicates Missing Child Likely A Prostitute By Now
by The Onion
661,328 views
Today Now! utilizes computer technology to show a mother how rampant drug use and prostitution has ravaged her little girl's body.
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41
Tracy Gill Recommends New Tracy Gill Biography
by The Onion
122,328 views
Host Tracy Gill talks with the author of a new book about the morning show diva we all love to hate: Tracy Gill.
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42
FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It's Alyson Hannigan
by The Onion
418,207 views
An FCC official clarifies new broadcasting regulations that clear the way for more nude scenes featuring the beautiful, auburn-haired Alyson Hannigan.
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43
Expert Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters
by The Onion
316,540 views
Today Now! host Jim Haggerty consoles a severely depressed zoologist on the latest Critter Corner installment.
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44
Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation
by The Onion
805,598 views
Today Now! has the story of an 8-year-old whose demand for never-ending wish fulfillment may force the Make-A-Wish Foundation to shut down.
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45
Lilly Wins Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene
by The Onion
247,836 views
Today Now!'s own Tracy Gill attended the Strong Women in TV Awards, which proves women on TV can be attractive and sexy.
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46
Fat Kid Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt
by The Onion
1,004,794 views
Today Now! brings you the inspiring story of Brian Peete, a fat boy who hid his obesity from other children at the pool by keeping his shirt on.
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47
Amazing Dance Prodigy Hopes New Ballet Will Inspire Her Dad To Notice Her For Once
by The Onion
73,212 views
For A Brand New Episode Of Today Now: http://onion.com/11omwpj
Jim and Tracy meet the incredible ballet prodigy who choreographed an entire desperate plea for her father's attention all on her own.
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