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I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook one minute meals in thirty seconds. I am an expert in yoga, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured Southern Asia with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I have an IQ of 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish my dining room before the evening news. I know the exact location of every item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the British Secret Service.

I sleep once a week, when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair with my eyes open. While on holiday in Florida, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a blender and a sandwich maker. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, archery at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, I have taught Elvis the concepts of 3d modelling and web design and I have the Mile High Achievement on Call of Duty 4.

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XBL Gamertag: o SMITHEREENZ o

Website: http://smithereenz.com
Gamerblog: http://gamerblog.smithereenz.c om

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