I wanted to tell you for a while now. I wanted to say it as you reached for a teacup in your kitchen that night after we fought about why we always have to eat Chinese food on your floor and then made up. I wanted to say as the moonlight shone in on you as you slept in your bed the first night we made love there. When I felt your heart racing against my chest and your sweet voyeur in Spain when you first saw your roses even though I wasn't there. But mostly I wanted to say it the last night I saw you, as I held you in my arms looking down at your precious face knowingly looking up at me, still inside you. Quiet, motionless but still inside you. I wanted so badly to tell you that the words each time graced my lips like an imposter only to fall away like some great lizard that was taken out to sea to reign its fury upon the dark ocean alone unbeknownst to any heron. I pray that you can hear them for what they are, feel them for what they are, and not mar them with the knowledge that they stand apart with your ability to reciprocate them. please them take them in your heart and feel them with your eyes closed and your soul open for just a moment. My voice speaking them softly in you ear with a kiss. When you smile, when your head lightly moves to dance, when your tongue finds my lips, when you ramble on over a glass of wine, when you sit naked after we've made love, when you act boldly, when you laugh, when you squeeze my hand, when you call my name in a gruff whisper, when your heart races on my chest in a close embrace, when you love me.

What Im sad about is selfish, I'm sad at gods timing. Im only a man, and as a man I miss you, I miss you terribly. I miss your kiss. I miss your smile, oh how I miss your smile. But most of all I miss the moment that hasnt happened yet, the moment you let yourself fall for me, what makes it hard for me is knowing how much you care for me, how much in a way you do love me. How much you would enjoy smiling wryly as you hurled yourself backwards off the cliff and said catch me baby. And if I didnt know that I could make you a villain, me a victim and soothe myself, but I cant because it isnt the truth, the truth we both know: not today.

I know that you're not leaving Philippe for me, and I wouldnt want you to, I would want you to leave him for you. I also know you would never fly a million miles just to see me smile at you. Someday maybe but not today, so I guess I better disappear, Sarah. I know you'll be okay and soon I will be too.

Maybe just maybe if god so desires, a day will come when as friends we will find ourselves accidentally strolling along the white cliffs of Dover or the mountain rocks of Mendocino or the bonny emerald north of the Scottish seaboard or the glistening harbor of old New York. And from the heights in the stars amongst the angels whose arms will cradle us in a moment neither of us was told about but knew like our oldest happiness. We will look into each others eyes and know: it is today, it is today. And whether that day is tomorrow, or next week, or next year, or next lifetime; I will finally get to tell you to your sweet face the face that I will miss more than I could ever tell that I love you, I love you, Oh baby I love you. And you will smile wryly and close your eyes and say catch me baby; and fall. (less info)