Topic - Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

When peen-headed Vin Diesel cried about how Hollywood is harder on men than women when it comes to body image, I said some shit about how Hollywood is the land of unrealistic everything and most Hollywood movies are not real life. Here's another example to throw on that pile. The red band (aka NSFWish) trailer for We're the Millers came out yesterday and it had a couple of scenes of Jennifer Aniston stripping in a club and another scene of Jennifer Aniston stripping in a barn (Side note: "Str...

Joan Collins (80) Heidi Range (30) Lane Garrison (33) Kelly Monaco (37) Ken Jennings (39) Jewel (39) Maxwell (40) Eric Nies (42) Guinevere Turner (45) Tom Tykwer (48) Karen Duffy (52) Lea DeLaria (55) Drew Carey (55) Linda Thompson (63) Charles Kimbrough (77) And since all of us should be spending this very special day watching Dynasty clips on YouTube while wearing our finest fur (a throw faux fur throw from Pier 1 will do) and diamonds (balls of aluminum glued to your fingers will do), here...

I know that what you really needed today was a video of come-to-life subway seat stain Ke$hit pissing into a cut off plastic water bottle before drinking it. On last night's Ke$ha: My Crazy Life, a co-production between the CDC and MTV, Ke$hit's friend tells her that drinking your own pee pee is supposed to be good for you, so she decides to do it. You know, I call SHE-NAN-AH-GANS! I contacted someone at the CDC (no, I didn't) and they told me (no, they didn't) that Ke$ha's pee is the color o...

Up until a few days ago, I thought that Cinn-A-Burst was still something you could buy in a store until the awful, horrific, life-changing, tongue-wrenching, nasty-tasting truth burst in my eyes: you can't. Cinna-A-Burst and its cousins, Mint-A-Burst and Fruit-A-Burst, died in the 2000s and I should've known this way earlier, because I have noticed that many sad, looking people aimlessly wander the streets while mumbling to themselves, "Now, where am I going to find a hard stick that bursts i...

While talking to Anna Werner of CBS News about the tornado that killed dozens and destroyed thousands of homes, survivor Barbara Garcia of Moore, Oklahoma told them that she rode out the storm in the bathroom with her dog. Sometime during the storm, Barbara and her dog got separated and she knew he was under the rubble somewhere. Then, during the interview, a little shot of hope popped up when Anna spotted Barbara's dog under the rubble. I really expected a Disney song to start playing. Barba...

Dr. Carrie Roman (as played by Betty Gilpin) from Nurse Jackie! Dr. Carrie Roman is new to Nurse Jackie this year and she's already become one of my favorites, because she really doesn't give four shits about shit, probably got her medical degree from WebMD, screws other doctors on the job, rolls her eyeballs before she sees every patient, is allergic to getting up early, is a nut crusher, loves the word "cunt" and is an ice cold ice queen who was cut from the same block of ice as January Jon...

While accepting a fan-voted, made-up award at the Billboard Music Awards last night, Justin Bieber continued to jack off his own ego and he told the audience that he should really be taken seriously as an artist. When you have to tell people to take you seriously as an "artist," you probably shouldn't be taken seriously as an "artist." If you tell people to take you seriously as an "artist" while wearing sunglasses indoors and drop crotch leather pants, you definitely should not be taken seri...

Alexis Normand, the Canadian songbird who completely and utterly butchered and gutted the US National Anthem at the 2013 Memorial Cup Game on Saturday. It takes a special kind of Hot Slut to make the Star Spangled Banner sound like it was written by an internet spambot. Girl wasn't even close and the terrified look on her face (like she just shit the bed and rolled in it) says it all. Alexis later apologized and said that she only got a quick minute to learn the song: “I’m embarrassed and dee...

As Baby Brahim and Casper Smart had a toddler slap flight in the backstage daycare area at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, his sugar mami accepted an award for being the top touring act of 2012. Everybody bow downed to the zombie vampire queen as she showed us the finger she uses to pop one of Baby Brahim's stubborn doody bubbles. She's maternal like that. And here's Madge taking off those pretentious cataract sunglasses while accepting her trophy, which looks like Tommy Lee's gilded...

And today's Dumb Bitch of the Day award goes to Miguel for kicking a girl in the head and nearly decapitating another girl at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas tonight. It's a good thing those girls didn't die (I think), because there's nothing worse than dying at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas by the legs of a cockatoo named Miguel. It's not even the Grammys! And he's not even Prince! Sure, I'd like a face full of Miguel crotch but not if it means I'm going to get my head cut ...

Somewhere in Hell, Lucifer is crying out "NOOOOOOO!!!!" while huddled around a space heater with his Snuggie-wearing minions, because the Ninth Circle and all of the other Circles dropped below the freezing mark when the dark orb of darkness in Posh Beckham's chest cracked open during David Beckham's last football home game with Paris Saint-Germain last night. Posh hasn't gotten this emotional since she was knocked up and gained 1/100th of a pound. While watching her husband's team win, a sin...

Rev, Adele's biggest and most talented fan! Rev's owner writes in the YouTube description of this video that ever since Rev was a puppy, he's serenaded him with Bob Dylan's "Make You Feel My Love" and now it's Rev's emotional anthem. When Rev woke up for a nap one day, his owner played Adele's cover of his favorite song and the raw emotion started pouring out of him. So soulful, so heartbreaking, so real.... You can really feel the sorrow in Rev's heart as he howls a sad love song to the piec...

Kanye West once again out Kanye'd himself last night by debuting his new song "New Slaves" and visuals for his new song in sixty six spots in several cities across the world. At different times during the night, Kanye's big ass face was projected on a building as he rapped (and sang, ugh) his new song. The video above is from the corner of N.7th and Bedford in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and his face also made appearances in Hollywood, Toronto, Sydney, London, Berlin, Miami, Chicago, Paris, San Fr...

Cezar, the operatic vampire songbird who will screech out Romania's official song at the Eurovision finals in Sweden tonight. Shards of broken disco balls, rhinestone-covered swan feathers and pink chandelier crystals are blowing through the air in Europe today, because tonight is the Eurovision finals. Eurovision always shows us what Liberace's gastroenterologist saw during his colonoscopy. It's full of THEATER, DRAMA and tons of fucking sequins. While I appreciate the Katy Perry-like STUNT ...

While some "stars" are posing on the Cannes red carpet in $10,000 designer gowns and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Chopard something-other-than-Chopard jooree, the true star of Hollywood posed in the doorway of a builder grade red bathroom while wearing exquisite lucite heels, the finest gown from Windsor Fashions and a stuffed animal stole. You can always count on Courtney Stodden to remind us how a real classy jewel of Hollywood does it. Believe it or not, posing in the doorway ...

I turned on the TV about halfway-ish through the American Idol finale last night and when the sight of Frankie Valli performing with the losing dudes hit my eyes, I immediately scrambled for safety by changing the channel to anything but that. I was one hundred percent sober and it was too much messiness for my eyes, ears and soul to take. The only gore I want to see on a Thursday night is Dr. Lecter making meat flan out of human bone marrow on Hannibal. But I probably should've kept watching...

Darcel Leonard Wynne, one of the original Solid Gold dancers! Darcel started swishing and swaying her ass on Solid Gold's first official episode in 1980 and quickly became the twerkin gazelle in a sequined headband that everyone wanted to see. She left the show for a second in 1984 to tour with a traveling Christian ministry, but came back the next year and was promoted from lead swisher to part-time MC. Darcel had moves like a swan in heat, could work a leotard almost better than Richard Sim...

Puppy licks lollipop. Monkey steals lollipop from puppy. Monkey licks lollipop. Monkey lets puppy lick the lollipop. Monkey bops puppy on the head with lollipop. Monkey busts out of that scene before the cops arrive. Well, it's nice to know that while Lindsay Lohan is in lockdown rehab, somebody is out here doing her dirty work for her. via Tastefully Offensive

Just a few minutes into Teen Mom Farrah's porn debut in Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, she tells James Deen that she needs to run downstairs to get the lube, because she wants to get into some ass play. (Who knew that backdoor teen moms are just like John Travolta, because that's exactly what he says five minutes into a massage.) Farrah tells James that it's been so long since a dick has come a'knocking on her backdoor and when he asks, "Really? When was the last time?", her dumb ass sa...

First we find out that Antoine Dodson is un-gaying himself, then we find out that Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey was in prison for committing domestic abuse years ago and now THIS! If Sweet Brown is arrested on arson charges, then the Internet needs to take its final bow and exit the stage. Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker might soon be known as Kai the Hatchet Wielding Murderer. ABC 30 says that police in Union City, New Jersey have issued a warrant for Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker ...

It was kind of fitting that Kanye Kardashian (née West) performed in a pyramid at Adult Swim's Upfront event at Roseland in NYC last night, because he was the Queen of Denial when he said that he's a musical artist and he's not a "celebrity" or a paparazzi star. The delusion is thick. Kanye was the surprise musical guest at Adult Swim's Upfront even and if anybody thought they were going to get 90 minutes of non-stop music, they must not know Kanye. Because no Kanye West show is complete with...

The French waitress at a 50s diner who celebrated marriage equality in France by jumping on a banquette to tell all her customers that she's a lesbian and can get married now! This is so dramatique that if Anne Hathaway was a French waitress at a 50s diner, this is what her coming out would look like. I kept waiting for dramatic music to swell into my ears when she threw her arms out. And the bald dude in front of her is totally like, "That's wonderful and everything, but where's my pie?" via...

The Into the Woods movie is happening and right now director Rob Marshall is looking for actors to join Meryl Streep (as the Witch), Johnny Depp (as the Wolf) and James Corden of Gavin & Stacey (as the Baker). The Hollywood Reporter says that beard aficionados Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Pine got in front of Rob Marshall and auditioned for Cinderella's Prince and Rapunzel's Prince. In the stage production, the same actor plays Cinderella's Prince and the Wolf, but I guess they're splitting that...

Mama Buzzard from a bunch of Looney Tunes cartoons! The other day, while writing about Anne Hathaway's bashful-eyed mute husband, I compared him to the true biological father of Audrina Patridge, Beaky Buzzard (aka The Bashful Buzzard). That made me think of Beaky Buzzard's hot mom Mama Buzzard. Mama Buzzard was a big Greek bitch who didn't give three shits that she only had two hairs on her head and wouldn't put up with Beaky Buzzard being a bashful ho. Since I was basically Beaky Buzzard al...

In her 5,902,487th interview of the month, Goopy Paltrow tells USA Today that she knows the stick shoved up her ass is a "lightning rod" and people constantly "project a lot of stuff" onto her. She doesn't ready any of that stuff, because it's none of her business. Goopy gets that people think she's too privileged, but she's just a woman with real problems. Goopy's not perfect and she has suffered in her life. Goopy does have a point. I mean, one time her laundress used Palmolive to wash her ...

Shanice (40) Miranda Cosgrove (20) Olly Murs (29) Mark Zuckerberg (29) Amber Tamblyn (30) Sophie Anderton (36) Martine McCutcheon (37) Natalie Appleton (40) Gabriel Mann (41) Sofia Coppola (42) Danny Wood (44) Cate Blanchett (44) Fabrice Morvan (47) Raphael Saadiq (47) C.C. DeVille (51) Danny Huston (51) Tim Roth (52) David Byrne (61) Robert Zemeckis (62) George Lucas (69) Siân Phillips (80)

During an American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to JFK, the spirit of Whitney Houston took over the body of a passenger who couldn't stop singing Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You (in the style of Nippy)." Another passenger told CNN that the song "I Will Always Love You" is forever embedded deep into their brain, because Nippy 2.0 would not stop telling the entire plane through song that she loved them. Nippy 2.0 did not stop spitting out tattered musical notes from her mouth and it ...

The only reason to go to work on your last day is to get ten kinds of drunk at lunch and tell your soon-to-be ex co-workers what you really think of their asses. Well, Paula White of BBC Radio Stoke did the first part and it got her kicked off the air. The BBC moved Paula's Friday afternoon slot to Saturdays and before her last weekday show, she got shit-faced drunk. So when she got on air, she slurred her words and had herself a P-A-R-T-Y for one! Before they ruined Paula's buzz by pulling h...

On The View this morning, Barbara Walters announced that she will retire from television next summer and she'll never appear on a show full-time again, because she'll be too busy chasing virgins through the woods with Larry King. Now who's going to ask bitches what kind of tree they are? Now who's going to interrupt the other co-hosts on The View? Now who's going to tell us that Snooki is the most fascinating person of the year? Now who's going to get names wrong and lisp out some nonsensical...

Because I really wanted to build a utopian city shaped like a giant uncut dick, I downloaded the new SimCity the day it came out and immediately got a severe case of internal blue balls, because the server kept crashing and wouldn't let me build my dick-shaped utopian city! I scream, I cried, I questioned the existence of God and I punched my modem until I finally gave up and went outside to do something else. Yes, those SimCity whores drove me to go outside and breathe actual fresh air. They...

Didi Pickles from Rugrats! Tommy and Stu's mom is a certified HSOTD for a million reasons including her undeniable fashion sense, her puzzle piece hairline, her fascination with wearing things that look like condom rings (examples: her neckline, her socks, her glasses her bracelets, her dress cuffs...) and she's the only one (besides Cynthia) who truly understands my soul twin Angelica. But more importantly, Didi Pickles is a gorgeous ginger with hair shaped like an orange starfish after gett...

Here's a video we can all relate to. Who hasn't wanted something so bad that you jump for it, cry for it, wait for it and just when you think you're never going to get it, you get it and then think to yourself, "That's it?!" I pretty much described 99% of my first dates. And this little pooch is totally going to piss in its owner's shoe for being this cruel. (Strangely enough, John Travolta also pees in Kelly Preston's shoes when she keeps the sausage away from him by making him stay home.) v...

Hold my calls and shut the blinds, because I know what I'm doing the rest of the day. Dozens of people in Colorado Springs, CO were temporarily blinded and struck down with the sudden urge to repeatedly orgasm today when Prince Hot Ginge's ass and legs went up in the air during a game of sit down volleyball with wounded service members at the Warrior Games today. The gloriousness was too much for some people's retinas. PHG can still makes b-holes pucker even when he looks like a gleeful botto...

A funny thing and a shitty thing happened in Beverly Hills today. The funny thing is that Kanye Kardashian smacked his dome right into a sign while walking to a restaurant with Kim Kartrashian. The shitty thing is that the paparazzi didn't get a shot of the exact moment when the sign bitch smacked him right in the head. The paps took pictures and video right before and after he knocked that sign with his head, but nobody (so far) has a picture of his head actually knocking against that sign. ...

Above is the trailer for August: Osage County, which George Clooney isn't in, but he's one of the producers and his name comes up first, so he's obviously the MOST IMPORTANT thing about this movie. I never saw or read the play, so I don't know for sure, but isn't it supposed to be dark and cynical and heartbreaking and shit? This looks like a semi-uplifting family comedy that ends with everybody skipping through the fields while a Sheryl Crow song plays. Then during the credits, they'll show ...

The Air Curler, because curling your hair with a regular curling iron is hard! The Air Curler is a real product that a real company makes and if you want your hair to look like a tangled mop of frizziness (aka like you got attacked by a flock of birds during an electrical storm), then pull out your credit card, because this shit is for you. Or you can just do what they do in this commercial. Put your hair in the Air Curler, spin it around for about 2 seconds, take it out, curl it with a regul...

....And sexing herself up in a barn with chandeliers (????) in it. Mimi and a cockatoo with a wave perm named Miguel released the video for their song #Beautiful (yes, the hashtag is part of the damn title) tonight and it's classic Mimi. Mimi swats away flies while dry fapping on a bike and then she strip dances for Miguel in a fancy barn. When Mimi strip dances, she looks like a drunken calf trying to walk for the first time. The entire video kind of looks like a commercial for Crystal Light...

Teen Mom Farrah could be nice to the tattered, bruised and battered half brain cell inside of her head if she just came out and kept it truthful by saying, "I got dicked in the culo on camera for fame and money. The end." But Teen Mom Farrah keeps overworking that half brain cell by coming up with crap excuses and reasons for why she took a James Deen dick up the butt in front of a camera. Farrah Abraham told Entertainment Tonight that she did the tape for her own private use, because she has...

In case you didn't already know from looking at her, Avril Lavigne is never growing up and when she's 50, she'll be in the backyard of some abandoned house, downing wine coolers as the 13-year-old sk8r bois do ollies in the empty pool. The Hot Topic Pikachu put out a video for her new single "Here's To Never Hitting Puberty' and in it she wears her old outfit from the Complicated video, whine yodels at a prom and trashes a school hallway with a bunch of teenagers. Bitch is 28 years old and sp...

Pearl Cantrell, the 105-year-old Texas rose who has discovered the key ingredient to a long, long, long, long, looong healthy life: BAAAACON! Pearl Cantrell has given birth to 7 kids and did hard labor in the fields for decades, and since she's been retired all she likes to do is dance, sew and spend quality time with a delicious piece of bacon. Pearl told KRBC, "I love bacon, I eat it everyday. I don't feel as old as I am, that's all I can say." When Oscar Mayer found out about Pearl's undyi...

Dim all the lights in Genoa City, because the matriarch of The Young and the Restless and soap opera legend, Jeanne Cooper, died today at the age of 84. Jeanne has been sick in a bad way recently and was in out of the hospital. No cause of death was given. Jeanne's son, Corbin Bernsen of L.A. Law, said on Facebook today that his sister was at her side when their mother floated off to heaven. Wasn't sure how I would have to say these words so I opt for simplicity at least to begin... My mother...

The Silver Fox is in Cleveland right now to cover the horrifying case of three (and possibly four or more) women who were kidnapped and help captive in a basement for a decade, and yesterday he talked to America's new favorite storyteller and the women's rescuer: Charles Ramsey. Charles basically told Anderson Cooper the same thing he told other reporters. He never saw Amanda Berry before he rescued her and he never knew that the neighbors he had ribs with and listened to salsa music with was...

The Treadmill dancer who has treadmill danced his way into the Internet's mostly dead heart! If dancing on workout equipment was an art (which it totally is), then this artist would be the Baryshnikov of that world. The gym is a dreadful, soul-sucking place filled with unnaturally colored walls (see: that puke orange to the right), TVs playing CNN all the time and juicy pits, but sometimes magical things happen in there. Examples: Me finding a brand new Snickers bar in a locker once (it wasn'...

The right queen won RuPaul's Drag Race last night, but Detox should get a special prize for singing out Jocelyn Wildenstein's theme song - Queerty Jessica Biel looks in the mirror and sees a nose ring while I see a strand of chrome mocos - Lainey Gossip And I'm sure Miranda Kerr told people, "Well, my top sort of looks like sequined black tape and that's punk rock, right?" Hollywood Tuna That pole has more charisma and sex appeal than Backdoor Farrah does - Drunken Stepfather Baby Darren Aron...

The Simpsons creator Matt Groening's mother Margaret Ruth Groening (née Wiggum) died peacefully in her sleep on April 22nd in Portland. Margaret was the inspiration for Marge Simpson and I did not know this, but Matt named most of The Simpsons characters after members of his own family. Margaret's obit reads like The Simpsons family tree. Homer is the name of Matt's father and Lisa and Maggie are the name of his sisters. Bart is an anagram of Brat and is supposedly based on Matt. His brother ...

Björk wasn't at the Met Gala last night... Well, maybe she was at the Met Gala, but wore a head-to-toe floral bodysuit and stood in front of Kim Kartrashian's ass all night so nobody noticed her. But if Björk wore this ensemble to the Met Gala last night, she still would've been the hottest dressed trick there. That lead apron poncho thing tells me that she was in the middle of getting X-rays and ran out. That skirt tells me that she's on her way to a wedding where she's the flower girl. Thos...

Since he's the only thing anybody was talking about last night and I got more links to his now classic interview than spam emails from beautiful Ukrainian women in my inbox, you probably already know about American hero Charles Ramsey and I'm sure him saying "I'm eating my McDonald's" is already your ring tone. Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight were kidnapped roughly 10 years ago and yesterday they were rescued from their kidnappers' house in Cincinnati by neighbors including sal...

Helen Mirren left her home in London today wearing a t-shirt promoting As One In The Park, a huge LGBT festival, but the other day she was slapping those loud bitches down outside of the theater where she's currently performing as THE QUEEN in a play called The Audience. And Helen did it in costume. So until now, I didn't know that one of my goals in life is to get bitched out by Helen Mirren dragged up as THE QUEEN! The Daily Telegraph says that during Saturday night's performance of The Aud...

And here's another reason for why stage 4 Beliebers should be locked in their playpens and fed a steady stream of downers until they realize that they've been obsessively worshipping a glorified singing Kid Sister doll. At his show in Dubai tonight, Justin Bieber was almost hugged to death by a crazy Belieber who crashed the stage and came at him. The Biebs' security immediately tackled the hugger, which caused the piano to fall over. No, Justin Bieber's security guards did not overreact, bec...