Topic - Wonkette

An atheist state legislator opened Tuesday afternoon’s session of the Arizona House of Representatives with an invocation in which he asked his colleagues to not bow their heads, referred to his secular humanist beliefs, and quoted Carl Sagan. Miraculously, no one shouted “You lie!” or even walked out in response to the invocation by state [...]

Guns! Can live without ‘em, and with ‘em, well, we can’t live! I tell ya! But however much Obama and the Kommunist Youth are trying to take your second amendment gun fondling rights, you will always be able to keep your semiautomatic lead sprinklers, no matter how much we sensible people might try to grab [...]

It took a while, sure, but the Marion Berry copycats are suddenly coming out in droves! (They are just really really slow copycats because of their drug-induced torpor.) That is, if two counts as “droves,” and we figure fuck it, because that’s easily enough examples for a New York Times trend piece. So here’s the [...]

Apparently the sack of crap CEO of awful mall store Abercrombie and Fitch, Mike Jeffries, said he doesn’t like it when you fuglies shop at his stores. He said this to Salon back in 2006 but apparently it took seven years for his mean girl comments to set off a firestorm of outrage on the social [...]

Hey, Drudge and Weekly Standard, did anything happen during President Richard Milhouse Obama’s press conference with the Turkish premiere or prime minister or president or whatever? (We are not required to know who that guy is, because AMERICA.) Oh, nothing, he just CALLED OUT THE MARINES? Well that is one way to murder all of [...]

Hey there, Pacific Northwest and maybe even British Columbian Wonkeetteers, and whatever sea lions ain’t busy eating all the salmon at the Bonneville Dam, mark your colanders for Saturday June 1, when we will gather at The Blarney Stone in beautiful downtown Seattle at 7 in the PM. We will sing union songs and pee [...]

The hardest part of covering the political firestorms currently sucking all the oxygen out of the atmosphere is that nearly all of the players are such unlikable dicks. In fact, out of everyone in the media and every politician who has thrust his or her sneering visage in front of the cameras to uselessly bloviate [...]

DDM back to help splain some Congressional nitty-gritty-ness. There have been lots of happy nice times about our GLBTQMORELETTERS friends lately, because people around the country are finally looking around and saying, hey, these gay folks ain’t that bad! In fact, they seem almost like actual human beings, so maybe we could, you know, give them [...]

Newt Gingrich is really puzzled, you guys! Seems the smartest, most-forward thinking politician of our time (and former actor – note that that is his actual size) has a giant confuzzle about what exactly to call these newfangled high-powered phone things that are so much more than a phone. Just look at them! It is [...]

Actual history information: some maybe-newly-discovered postwar interview notes with Adolf Hitler’s doctors have turned up that have led Ghost Breitbart and the Washington Examiner to the Perfectly Reasonable Conclusion that Adolf Hitler, was an obviously fogget. Despite the excitable headlines in the these two fine media establishments, however, Hitler’s doctors didn’t say he was gay [...]

Well that is a relief! The fine fellows at Zombie Industries, the ones who nyuk-nyuk-nyuked about their bleedy Barack Obama “Rocky” target what bleeds when you murder it with your gun, have “discontinued” their shooting targets of “The Ex.” Coincidentally, the Ex is a pretty lady in lingerie what bleeds when you murder it with [...]

You guys should go take a look at Ana Marie Wossername’s thinky piece about how the wingnut media doesn’t seem to have learned a damn thing from the failure of its “Obama Is Evil” narrative in the 2012 election. It’s pretty good, and we think this writer has a lot of potential. But we honestly [...]

Welcome, Wonkeratti, to yet another weird & unsettling Wonkette Sci-Blog. Take off your pants and come on in! Mr. McGuire: I just want to say one word to you. Just one word. Benjamin: Yes, sir. Mr. McGuire: Are you listening? Benjamin: Yes, I am. Mr. McGuire: Plastics. Mr. McGuire was onto something. If Benjamin had [...]

Impeach! Impeach! IMPEACH! Everything terrible you ever believed about our tyrannical gun-grabbing socialist Muslim foreign-born gay president has turned out to be true, according to the latest expose on Solyndra Fast and Furious Benghazi from ABC News: ABC News has obtained 12 different versions of the talking points that show they were extensively edited as [...]

Back by popular demand, I’m here to wonksplain how our stupid Congresspeople continue to legislate with the combined IQ of a Michelle Malkin and Glenn Beck love child. Today’s topic: International Food Aid! Or, why your tax monies is going to help poor Ethernopians in the most inefficient way possible. Put on your thinking caps [...]

Hey, remember when convicted crimer/Cheney best bud/secret Energy Task Force honcho/Enron chief Ken Lay “died” (moved to Paraguay) without ever darkening the door to his prison cell? We remember it too! We assume Jeff Skilling, Lay’s patsy/aka actual CEO of Enron/not really a patsy at all really, remembers it as well and is all why [...]

The GOP-led hearings on Benghazi have started, and so of course it’s time for Barack Obama to just resign already, isn’t it? Or get impeached? Surely these hearings will be the last nail in his coffin, since they will definitively establish that during the attacks, Barack & Hillary just sat around painting each other’s toes [...]

Good morning! We would tell you that it is time to direct some media criticism at the Daily Caller, but that would be like telling you we were going to perform a linear regression analysis on a pile of horse diarrhea, so instead we will just say they are still quite stupid and get on [...]

Happy BENGHAZIIII!!!!1! Day, everyone. At long last, it’s here — the day children wait for all year, trying to be good and leaving out cookies before they go to bed in the hopes that Republicans will come in the dead of night to bring them tax cuts and transvaginal ultrasounds and the headbanded head of [...]

Why do you people insist on enslaving Lauryn Hill, by buying her records? Now, thanks to you, she is going to prison for not paying taxes on the 50 million units she sold, and if that is not slavery, we do not know what is. Or actually, if that is not slavery, Lauryn Hill does [...]

Why is Obama forcing your daughter to take the morning after pill? This is an excellent question, and luckily Fox News commentator Nina Easton has given us several compelling theories which we can break down into two broad themes. These are: 1. Obama thinks his daughters are sluts. 2. Obama thinks other people’s daughters are [...]

Uh-oh, Chongo! The fearsome intellects of Fox & Friends are flirting with getting their mics torn off and stomped by their megalomaniac boss! In an interview Monday with Utah Rep. Jassen Chaffetz (R-Benghazi-Benghazi-Benghazi), the hosts actually asked questions that questioned some of the crazy stuff he was saying, leading ThinkProgress to lead us to the [...]

Hey, remember that fun video (above) of Geraldo Rivera laying down a righteous hissy over the LIES and PRIMROSE PATHS paved by his buddies, the Fox & Friends? It was from two days before the election, and Geraldo was in his finest mettle, like, waving a baby at a Katrina bridge INSANITY. He was yelling [...]

So, you may remember Zach Kopplin, the awesome 19 year old dude from Louisiana who’s been trying to overturn his state’s idiotic “Louisiana Science Education Act,” that state’s brilliant 2008 law that allows teachers to bring in “supplemental” materials when discussing science they don’t like, such as climate change or evolution. Sorry to say it, [...]

If you’re as old as we are, and have had as much exposure to Reg’lar ‘Murica as we have, you are probably still a bit dizzied at the pace at which the majority of Americans went from “Ew! Gheys!” to “Ah, ain’t that a cute lesbian couple!” We close our eyes, breathe deeply and meditate [...]

Alabama, you have given this nation so much: George Wallace, Bull Connor, Roy Moore, insanely restrictive abortion laws, Richard Shelby AND Jeff Sessions in the same Congress, crappy Neil Young songs, and even crappier Lynrd Skynrd responses. Your generosity in contributing to this nation’s civic and cultural life is so vast, we can never repay [...]

So here is a thing that happened in Washington DC yesterday: CNN reports that members of “The White Student Union” and the “May Day Workers” came together in Lafayette Park for a frank exchange of views and hurled bags of urine. We pretty much hate the white supremacists because their ideology is, you know, all [...]

Glenn Beck — the man who is too crazy even for Fox News, and also can spell real good — is determined to get to the bottom of how the Boston marathon bombing is somehow Obama’s fault because that’s how much he loves America. In April, he explained how the Saudi guy did it, and [...]

Oh, South Carolina, you are so very special, the way you keep the Confederate flag handy because the South is sooooo gonna rise again, y’all, and the way you voted for Newt Gingrich to be your Republican presidential nominee, and the way you just looooooooooove to believe the most shocking of rumors when some mysterious [...]

Oh, did you want to watch a telenovela about Dead Che? And at the same time listen to the Cuban National Anthem, Hasta Siempre Comandante, the song to which your Editrix will walk down the aisle should anyone ever actually marry her? Then you are in luck! It is your May Day song numero one. [...]

As you know, our running tally of states we do not wish to live in is woefully South-heavy. We’ve had a couple strong Northern contenders but the South keeps rising and rising AGAIN! Today, though, we’ve got one of the original 13 colonies entering our list for a couple good reasons. First, there is no [...]

Six former members of Congress, two of whom you may actually have heard of if you don’t live in their state, are holding 30 hours of pretend “hearings” at the National Press Club this week on the important topic of what the U.S. Government really knows about the existence of extraterrestrials, according to a mostly [...]

Here is Mitch McConnell’s new campaign ad, which an ABC blogger describes as having “the feel of a trailer for a movie by Michael Bay,” but which looks to us like nine million other “Morning In America” knockoffs, only with a lead character stolen from a Dr. Seuss book. Yet there must be something magical [...]

Here for your enjoyment are four minutes and ten seconds of America’s Newest Hero, the as-yet unidentified man heard here calling InfoWars “reporter” Dan Bidondi — and his boss infamous turd nugget Alex Jones — the most delightful variety of swears captured on video since whenever Susie Essman was last on Curb Your Enthusiasm. (Kid [...]

(Video may be NSFW if your place of employment considers tiny cartoon genitalia pornographic) You may have thought that we had something called “Freedom of the Press” here in America, but it turns out that there is no freedom for people who simply want to buy an ad in the New York Times to explain [...]

Here you go, we haven’t even watched this yet. (We have it open in another tab, though, and are up to “I’m not the strapping young Muslim Socialist I used to be.” We guess we will keep listening!) We are still fapping to the one from two years ago, when he killed Donald Trump Osama [...]

Greetings, Science buffs! Get some pants on already! And maybe some hip boots, because we’re going to continue wading through our tenth-grade textbook from Bob Jones University Press, Biology For Christian Schools by William “Pinkie Pie” Pinkston. Last time, we learned how evolutionary theory fits into Satan’s plot to make Man reject God’s Word. This [...]

Well, my dear Wonketteers, Yr. Teen Kolumnist has been given the privilege of reminding you once again of the shittiness of high-school life. Howevsies, this week’s topic relates to all of you, even now! For, as I am sure you know, breakups are the shittiest of shits, they are the shit to rule them all, [...]

So let us guess: people are mad at Joe Biden for yelling at terrorists, right? DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! Of course they are. People are mad because he said “knock-off jihadis” instead of “Islamic jihadists.” Also, he did not say “terrorismalqaeda” three times fast.

Authorities released Elvis impersonator Paul Kevin Curtis — despite the fact that he has three first names — from custody today. He was charged last week with sending envelopes containing ricin to President Obama and some Mississippi senator or other. Details of his release are not yet available, but you know it was because dude [...]

We received an important press release from Dr. Paul Cameron, who is a Very Important Scientist with a Ph.D. and everything. Somehow, we had never heard of him until he, acting as his own PR flack, emailed our benevolent Editrix, but he really is quite a piece of work — there aren’t a lot of [...]

In yet another example of How Men Are Oppressed In These Difficult Times, Limey nutsack Peter Lloyd wrote a thing in the Daily Mail recently explaining that he is suing his gym because they have a certain number of hours for women only. It’s a shocking infringement of his Right To See Ladies In Spandex, [...]

So what’d you guys do this week? Our week was pretty quiet, just another typical nice April week. Oh who are we kidding, we can’t even think of a joke to go with that. ANYWAY, let us have some Nice Time. Remember Bill Iffrig, the 78-year-old fellow who got knocked down, but he got up [...]

OK, Wonketteers, what seemed extremely unlikely has actually happened: Johnny Law has captured Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the surviving suspect in the Boston Marathon bombing, and they did so without having to torture anyone, disregard the Constitution, or rely on a self-appointed army of Barney Fifes to do it. And since he was captured rather than shot [...]

When we talk about Megyn Kelly and her “flow,” you are forgiven for assuming we are pondering her menses. (We bet she’s a tough, studly kinda double-maxipad chick.) And yet, in reading the Boston Bomber (“suspect”)’s twattings of Dr. Dre-lyrics, Kelly actually sounds pretty sweet. She is no Dana Perino, mortifying white girls everywhere, that [...]

See that? That is a fertilizer plant in Texas exploding and killing a still unknown number of people. It is the sound and sight (and smell, probably) of FREEDOM. FREEDOM from having a sprinkler system, an alarm, a shut off system, or a firewall system. From Bloomberg: The Texas plant that was the scene of [...]

So it turns out that Paul Kevin Curtis, the Tupelo, Mississippi, guy arrested yesterday for (allegedly) sending letters containing ricin to President Obama and to Sen. Roger Wicker, is a real piece of work. It would appear that, in addition to urging Ted Nugent to run for President and worrying that the liberal media covering [...]