[Triggering] I'm just going a little crazy...

[justagurl23]

yeah. the problem is i'm not sure how doing any kind of deep therapy can even work when you are so in the ED and your brain is so screwed up and off balance to begin with. although i'm sure you've realized that too. that was why nothing i did was effective when i was so malnourished and why i had so much restless skin crawling anxiety and feelings like you do to be impulsive and hurt yourself in even just mild ways.

[shrinerspark]

@justagurl23 You are exactly right, of course... so it basically comes down to no one treating me, or feeling like they are able to treat me. *sigh*

[justagurl23]

@shrinerspark yeah. it's a catch 22 thing. again, like i experienced. it makes it all so much harder to know where to start and how to even do it when there is more than one thing going on, and it fuels each other basically nonstop. so homewood still is not an option to try again? i cannot remember if it's your choice to not go because of the lack of motivation for recovery/how the program is or if it's also a funding issue.

[shrinerspark]

@justagurl23 I'm not sure Homewood would even take me, whatever my motivation. I didn't actually apply, so funding was never discussed, but people get funding for Homewood all the time here, so I don't think the funding itself would be the issue.

[twosnickersnachuckle]

I was watching your videos from a while ago and you were talking about school; you were taking several psyc courses and a Latin course. I was just wondering if you plan to go back to school any time soon and why you left in the first place. From what I see in your videos you certainly don't lack intelligence.

[shrinerspark]

@twosnickersnachuckle I keep having to leave because my mental illness(es) get in the way of actually being able to complete courses. As for going back... well, I probably will once I feel like I'm actually well enough, which may take quite awhile by the looks of things.

[kayteeee99]

dearest, i have followed your videos for so long & it always upsets me to see you so unwell :-( you need more support, i wish i could give it to you -- do you family/friends know how difficult things are for you at the moment? enormous hugs & lots of love to you. xxxxxxxxx

[Chesneywormbot]

lifestyle. So many people think this is a weight loss diet ITS NOT! It is better for you all around you don't have to be dogmatic and say I can never eat cooked foods again because my "diet" doesn't let me you eat what your body tells you it needs and it NEEDS all the vitamins and sugars that are in fruits and vegetables. You have to be fruit heavy on it but I LOVE fruit I would choose it over pretty much anything because I want it not because I think my weight is contingent on it i had an ED

[shrinerspark]

@Chesneywormbot I have already asked the other girl not to talk about raw foodism here, and I am going to ask you the same thing. I am also deleting your other comment. If you try to talk about it here again, I will block you. THESE CONVERSATIONS TRIGGER ME and I will NOT allow them here!!

[Chesneywormbot]

@shrinerspark I am not trying to be a jerk here but the road to recovery is going to be full of triggers. I worked long and hard with therapists psychologists friends family and more to find some balance for me. If I wasn't triggered along the way that means I wasn't testing my limits and reaching out for a life of normalcy. If you aren't ready to hear those things yet I respect that and not another word will be said but try not to be too defensive as I care I was there suffering once too

[shrinerspark]

@Chesneywormbot I'm sorry, but there is a distinct difference between running into triggers in the real world and having them plastered on your own personal page. This is MY YouTube channel.

[S0LimitlessAndFree]

@Bananimalrecords, @markconnolly10

Also, toning? You are aware that anorexia causes rhabdomyolysis: Muscle break down. Anorexia-nervosa does not play well with exercise. Beyond being a psychological issue, anorexia nervosa will not give you muscles because your body is breaking it apart to get any energy to survive. Please tell me when anorexia nervosa will start giving people toned muscles. 'Exercise anorexia' is a different thing which I won't bring up here since her problem is NOT that(pt.2)

[S0LimitlessAndFree]

@Bananimalrecords, @markconnolly10

Are you two kidding?? Telling an anorexic to try out any restrictive diet is not right. And a raw foods diet can be extremely limiting unless you have money to spend at places that cater to your needs. Even then it is not ideal. Please realise that not everyone is as sensitive to chemicals in foods. (part 1)

[shrinerspark]

Don't mess with me, guys... I am very assertive and I'm NOT afraid to tell you how it is. I may be fucked up, but I'm not going to just lie down and take damaging or hurtful comments.

[shrinerspark]

@markconnolly10 What the fuck?? You don't even know what my stomach LOOKS like! Who the hell are you to tell me to tone it??? Plus talking like that to someone with an eating disorder is extremely triggering. Shame on you!

[S0LimitlessAndFree]

@shrinerspark completely agree. did people miss the memo that you have an eating DISORDER??

[shrinerspark]

@S0LimitlessAndFree Apparently some did. *sigh*

[Pigseye]

Carolyn, I love you even if you don't.

[Bananimalrecords]

Have you ever tried eating a raw food diet? I feel strongly that all emotional mental issues are tied to toxicity...the raw food would have the duel effect of detoxifying and allowing you to eat without gaining weight...eventually if you get detoxified, then the depression departs, the clarity sets in and peace and joy come back. I know it's hard to believe that all this kind of thinking can come from what you eat, but I speak from experience...can you imagine feeling good? If you can't, try it.

[shrinerspark]

@Bananimalrecords I'm not interested in "diets" or in other ways of restricting eating... it's a bit disgusting that you'd even suggest this to someone with an eating disorder. A raw food diet would make me MORE SICK, not better.

[thingsthatneverwere]

I'm so sorry you have been struggling lately.......but its nice to see an update video from you. I can empathize with you on the whole triple digits thing...maybe count your weight in kg instead then maybe your mind wont screw you over as much. After watching your video i was like "WOW I'm not alone"...i feel quite similar to you right now.......i hate that i "dont look sick" feeling or even worse when some "professional" says it to me.......its friggen frustrating.