50 Jokes (Yes...actually 50 jokes)

[Deag710]

I think your brother might take offense to the last one. Also, in his case at least, it is probably not true.

[TheBoondoogle]

The surrealists one killed me xD

[Undead8Bit]

you know your a nerd if you get all the jokes.

[hitgirl123]

@Undead8Bit You know you're not a nerd when you use the wrong form of "your."

[13until5]

why does peter pan fly?

if someone hit you in the peter with a pan you would fly too

[TheBehemothShogun]

why did the sperm cross the road?

i wore the wrong sock...

[Wardudeftw]

WHY DID THE BOY LOSE HIS ICE CREAM

BECAUSE HE GOT HIT BY A BUS

[montigurl23]

Q:What do you call a cow with no legs?

A:Ground beef!!

Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No ideea (I'm from Maine.. sorry..)

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

A: STILL no ideea

[Teothehun]

@montigurl23 Heh heh, I use those regularly myself, good classics. For the deer ones, it's "no i-dear" though. I was going to suggest the Ground Beef one myself... hah.

More jokes:

Why do gorillas have big nostriles? Because they have big fingers.

[minichapify]

so schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't

[HARDSTYLEestonia]

2:44 (Y) :D :D

[lollyblaster]

whats funnier than whipping a baby around your head at 200mph? stopping it with a shovel

[brunoisgaytbaby]

THATS MY MUFFIN JOKE

[DAILYSMOSHER]

whats black and white and black and white and black and white black and white black and white ......to be continued.....100 dalmations

[IDidNotPickThisName]

I laughed about the "sleevies" joke for literally twenty minutes.

[mecha2013tube]

U TALK TOO FAST!!!!

[24hoursayear]

What's brown and sticky?

Anal

[FrostyB33f]

May I ask why there are a bunch of animal mating vids in the sidebar?

[Add1sSparta]

@FrostyB33f err maybe vlogbrothers turns them on...

[globalfraud]

@FrostyB33f yes but you won't be getting an answer it's top secret.

[4mayZing]

i love his voice when he says "sandy claws"

[LivFenton96]

hahahaha would you just be rational? XD i love nerd jokes

[rAnz1845]

is he gay?... a nerd gay....

[SnowingWolfGirl]

"Brown chicka brown cow" >:D

[MrElizajohn]

Want to hear a Potassium joke?

K!

Want to hear a joke a about Sodium?

Na you don't!

[CodenameJD]

"Did you hear about that guy who got the entire left half of his body cut off?" "Yeah, but he's all right now."

Hmm...sounds familiar ;)

[ThatCinnabon]

2+2=Fish ------ 4 letters, I win you lose :D

[Pyotr333]

i also like the grasshopper walking into the bar and them saying we have a drink named after you, and he says you got a drink named Larry

[Pyotr333]

i like the writer and bench one close to the end

[lordamymort]

Anyone else notice that 50 Jokes looks like So Jokes?

[sk8rKim]

Aww man...this.

This is the first vlogbrothers video I saw....changed my life!!! It is the reason I am wearing a pizza John shirt right now :)

[Kissmyfuckingass1011]

This is dum

[tot0binggot]

fuck

[funnypets456]

I love how he tells the joke about the "guy who's all right now" and then goes and puts it in a song. :)

[puregenius7112]

I ate two separate strings and when I shit them out they were tied together. Don't believe me? I shit you knot. Knot? Not? Get it? Fuck off...

[stompingonspiders]

*knock knock*

who's there?

you know.

you know who?

yes! AVADA KEDAVRA

[Hawksayer95]

"How come dinosaurs don't talk? BECAUSE THEY'RE DEAD!" that's the magic of Brian Regan's son XD

[SAMMYthescenester16]

I LOVE your sense of humor. Particularly the elephant and losi g electron joke. ^_^

[TheMaxthefish]

this video is weird and your a nerd but funny

[Tribalhedgehogs]

CORRECTION: the relation between a pumpkin's radius and it's circumfrance is 2pi, you ment DIAMETER.

I'm a 13 year old Algebra 1 student Hank

[ponynomial]

@Tribalhedgehogs Not of a pumpkin. Pumpkin's circumference = 1/2 a circle's. No jokes.

[Tribalhedgehogs]

explain, i dont get it but i wish i did

[TheManxAndrew]

@Tribalhedgehogs The reason it's funny is 'cause he got it wrong ; )

[Tribalhedgehogs]

@TheManxAndrew OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH thx :) nerfighers ftw

[TheSoyshark]

If you have too much time on your hands, then maybe you should put down the watches!

[iankelly99]

What's a pirates favourite restaurant?

Rrrrby's

[AquaRipperX21]

roses are red

violets are blue

i have a gun

get in the van

[desde11]

@AquaRipperX21 rofl

[cat21860]

Michael Jackson is God?!?

I gotta start going to church.

[huakwoy]

A recent study shows that 1 out of 3 women are just as crazy as the other fukn 2

[Mystro1989]

how many pancakes do you need to nail to a dog house to get it to fly?

none, cuz ice cream dosn't have any bones

[ReadingFanatic17]

I have three eyes, seven arms, and thirteen legs. What am I?

(A liar)

[TreyRust]

I liked the one about the psychologist and the light-bulb most, but there where a lot of good ones...

[hannahinocentes97]

they're not funny at all..

[bennybjbaker]

brown chicken brown cow

[FallingSky7]

Math is the only place where I hear someone doing ridiculous things. For Example "John has 30 chocolate bar he eats 23, what does he have now?"

Diabetes maybe??

[UntoldOriginality]

@FallingSky7 More like diarrhea :P

[wantedforpk]

Whats the diff between Santa Claus and tiger woods? Santa Claus stopped after 3 ho's

[NightmareRelived]

This is the first Vlogbrothers video I ever watched and I've never felt less alone with Nerdfighteria :)

[charliefan2k10]

WIDESCREEEEENNNNN

[LawrenceGordon92]

what's brown and sticky?

... anal sex...

[surfinbird53]

Terrible jokes mostly :(

[khany82]

Thinks to himself what does an eggnostic an insomniac and a dyslexic have in common anyway, then realizes he thinks dyslexically..

[TheFlamingSparrow]

@khany82 eggnostic?

[khany82]

@TheFlamingSparrow ...

dam u selective dyslexia...

[XenintheTerminator]

Hah~ That guy is adorable.

[barrents]

Thatsh one nathty lishp youf goth there. Funny funny jokes thouhg.

[jellicology]

I love reading PsychoTheRapist books...

[JayTheHybridMex]

A dude who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog

[MsMoonfan4ever]

Because it was DEAD!

[4ta2r]

best 0:01 pause ever

[155Jakki]

It smells like updog in here.

Whats up dog?

Nuthin what about you?

XD

[poopsmack24]

Is he retarded? For real. I mean it.

[TheMushroomMovie]

@poopsmack24 He's telling nerd jokes. I am fairly certain that people suffering from retardation would tell different jokes. 

[controllerfreak78]

How does a turtle cross the freeway if it's on it's back without moving any part of it's body?

To get the answer, you must take the F out of free and the F out of way

[GreatestCommentEver]

@controllerfreak78 Oh, is this where I say "there is no F in way" and you go "exactly?"

That's so 2003. Get with the times >=(

[pbjellybeanful]

That adorable little chuckle you did after "How do you make a hankercheif dance? You put a little boogie into it." was great.

[jacomas18]

i walked into mcdonalds and asked "can i please have some fries," and the girl at the counter said, would u like fries with that?

[harrypotterrocks1762]

I never used to have any jokes to tell people to break the ice. Now, I have a whole lot. Thanks vlogbrothers!

[Lisa99913]

Lol!!! Brown chicken brown cow!!!

[MrAtomicorange]

the monkey one was the funniest

[pbjellybeanful]

"How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

"One, but the lightbulb has to want to change."

haha love you Hank.

[LoriBoo64]

GAYEST VIDEO EVER!!!!!!!!!:P

[pbjellybeanful]

@LoriBoo64 A video can't be gay, so please use better logic.

[joshjrh]

@LoriBoo64 Said the seven year old who doesn't understand what gay means, ugh it's people like you that really need to think before they speak.

[27shermanator]

@LoriBoo64 This video is attracted to other videos of the same video-gender?

[Ignelux]

@LoriBoo64 I dunno where you're from, but in Nerdfighteria, gay is not an insult...

[EmmaAteYourFace]

@LoriBoo64 it is indeed very happy

[iLoveVampires962]

@LoriBoo64 Now this is a real insult:

You vain sheep-biting miscreant

You're such a beslubbering milk-livered dewberry

[squeakerlawliet]

what did the egg say to the other egg.

you crack me up

[kipperkell]

As if you said jokes about transgender sex changes. not funny. unsubbing.

[tatiannafoever]

this made my day better even though i clicked on it by accident

[queenfrostine97]

What's purple, sings, and hangs on a wall? A lizard.

Lizards aren't purple.

-They are if you paint them purple.

But they don't hang on a wall.

-They do if you stick them to a wall.

But they don't sing!

-Well, I couldn't make it too easy.

[VelvetTears567]

@queenfrostine97 Mirror Mask?!

[queenfrostine97]

@VelvetTears567 oh, probably, my friend told it to me

[nathanjamesgoodner]

What is green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels

[TheIndiverselikeyeah]

@nathanjamesgoodner that's funny! (:

[im2asian45]

wats brown and sticky i was like "poo"

[Penguin5673]

Ahaha, watched this with my sister sitting nearby playing minecraft. I paused every time I heard a good one. She got annoyed and when I asked "where does a king keep his armies?" she began answering with things like "up his butt"

[EagleFlame2343]

50 jokes in 4:59 secs dumbo

[harryshimmin]

@EagleFlame2343 so much fail...

[yourperfectinsanity]

Whoaa.. a talking muffin!

[Mrcouchpotatoehead]

This video was so jokes

[AC1209ROX]

i took my grandmother to a football game. at the end I asked "how was it?" she replied, "It was okay, but why would they make a game where you flip a quarter then spend rest of the game trying to get it back?"

[Nerdfighterian]

What's the difference between a patient in a psychiatric ward, and a math book?

A math book neither can, nor wants to solve its own problems.

[epsbandy]

hahaI laughed so hard.. "sandy claws"... haha

[Kesharox999]

Q: what did the hot cocoa say to the milk?

A: is it hot in her or is it just me?

[shade0o]

Binary joke doesnt work when spoken... its not ten but 10

[othellobunny]

@shade0o some of us see numbers as numbers not words.

[NISBurning]

its really dificullt to undersand for some random german guy like me, but i really laught hard an some jokes ^^

[asidothis10]

@TheRxm19 it is a movie that you cannot go to in the theater unless you are either 17 or have an adult with you.

[xXHawkCheerXx]

I would leave my favorite joke, but you stole it! XD I love the muffin joke.

[XxiloveGWxX]

"Sandy claws" <3

[OstracizedEmu]

"Why was six afraid of seven?"

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and are this incapable of emotion.

[TheRxm19]

Im English what's a rated r film in my country it goes u , pg , 12 , 15 , 18 please explain

[bersabelle]

@TheRxm19 17+

[TheRxm19]

@bersabelle thanks amercan laws and stuff are so different lol

[pivotman64]

@TheRxm19 ages 18 and up

[Gummybear2298]

Suzerooney, I did not like your joke about Alzheimer's. My grandfather died of this disease this past week and your comment made me cry.

[MrAureliusR]

@Gummybear2298 first of all, you didn't put @Suzerooney, so that person will probably never see your message. And second of all, I believe that laughing at something is the best way to get over it. so get over it. I've had friends and family die of awful things too, doesn't mean I can't laugh at jokes about cancer or leukemia.

[iMIGHTlikeBOYs]

How are men like tile....

You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them the rest of there life

[iMIGHTlikeBOYs]

What did the lezbien vampier say to the other....

See ya next month

[sk8rchick176]

3:08-3:10 is when he looks the cutest(:

[sk8rchick176]

he looks cute at 3:09

[suzeroonie]

How many Alzhiemer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side!

[6teenNikkiandJonesy]

@suzeroonie I'm going to hell :D

[suzeroonie]

@6teenNikkiandJonesy Me too, I'll meet you there, and we can swap more horrible anti-jokes xD

[360army]

@suzeroonie Whats the worst thing about being told you've got Alzhiemers?

it dosn't just happen the once!

[bakerybabe29]

Zoom: 1.29!

[Ritzcracker234]

*ashamed* I can't believe I just did that.

I laughed the hardest at that.

[TheNERFWIZ]

Wats green and has wheels? Grass, I was lying about the wheels

[knifekid666]

whats the difference between you and a fag? ... nothing at all

i kid your awesome

[deadlyPANCAKZZ8]

what kind of cheese is not yours?

NATCHOCHEESE (not your cheese)

:D

[eyelivefourhim]

FISH

[lococo987]

@mellekl Sorry that was my cousin that wrote that about mj being family.

[psideath]

why was 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 was a registered sex offender!

[MrShwinny]

@psideath its registered 'six' offender

[lovetheblackandwhite]

theres something on your face

*punch*

it was pain

[lovetheblackandwhite]

why did the boy drop his ice cream?

he got hit with a bus

why did the teacher loose his voice?

his throat got ripped out

wats up?

the sky

[lovetheblackandwhite]

why is facebook different then obama?

facebook makes more changes

[animelunatic23]

for your last question my brother told me this

Three turtles fell asleep in a bathroom. One in the sink. One in the tub. One in the toilet. The one in the tub wakes up and asks the one in the sink, "how did you sleep?" The one in the sink says, "good, you?" The one in the tub says, "good." They go to the one in the toilet and ask him,"how did you sleep?" The one in the toilet says, "horrible. first it rained, then a log fell on me, and then it snowed." THE END

I hope I got that right... :P

[anniebluiii]

pretty funny .. you keep it interesting.. Thank you for not doing any blonde jokes..Lmao ;)

[d2thec1]

Awesome.

[XxElenaGilbertx]

haha '' I god Michael Jackson?''

love this one

[TheScarletBanana]

What do you get when you eat a lot of pi? A wider circumfrerence! XD

[dracoscorupasofistic]

ur i and pi joke is on our math team shirt !! :D for middle school ! :D

[c00ldawg363]

cuz he was stapled to the first monkey!

[ielle44]

WHOEVER PUT IN #3, ARE YOU FROM SYM #29?! It's a running joke there :)

[RhetoricalFilms9792]

Why did 1,198 people dislike this video?

BECAUSE THEY WERE DEAD!

[ShamanTheHedgehog]

WIDESCREEEEEEEEEEN!

[c00ldawg363]

What's up dog? Nothin.

[abbyluvsglee]

The math jokes are sooo funny !!!!!

[MrsMickeyLover]

5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions;

What did the (find something random) say to the (find something else random)? Answer: Oh I don't know I was hoping you'd tell me...

Knock knock, who's there?, Banana; knock knock, who's there?, Banana; knock knock, who's there?, Banana. Banana, would you just come in? I gave you a key so we could stop this nonsense.

[Yumi78227]

the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson . XD

[Yaoi13Fangrrl]

I was watching this and I heard some jokes I know. I yell out the answer. My mom just gives me a look and asks who I am talking to. LOoking at her I suspiciously respond 'Hannnk'

[NeuroToxin109]

Women's Rights.

[calebwolf1021]

because their dead!!!!!!!

[EmileWIHeskey]

What's the difference between God and Lionel Messi?

Lionel Messi exists.

[kyilluv]

No... A vampire angel, duh...

[JokezHmoobXyooj]

What's white has wings and sucks blood?

Always maxi pad with wings!

[DragonFire381]

This was the first vlogbrothers video I ever watched :)

Still as funny as it was three years ago!

[OMAR75able]

serious laughter my ass !!

[JcrfyB]

what do you do if the wheels fall off your jetski and how many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse? none because you cant drive a canue up a tree with its headlights on.

[Stevesk0011]

Is this guy one of The Proclaimers? lol

[TheImperialSanctuary]

Obviously 1,197 people forgot how to be awesome

[vincent30981]

I DONT CARE YOUR INTRODUCTION

[MashaSobaka]

I told my Swedish roommate most of the pirate jokes last night. She laughed her butt off and has vowed to bring more pirate jokes to her native country.

[NoahLeolahi]

Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson ? Neil Armstrong walked on the moon , Michael Jackson is fucking crazy .. hahaha thumbs up if you laughed in this joke .

[AudreyandMcKenna]

This video just made my life. Amen.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

DAISY

daisy who?

DAISY ME ROLLIN' AND THEY HATIN'

[blogger18]

Ahahahhahahahahhahahaha.

[enemykiller00]

it is not 4:00, it is 3:59 god.

[DraoiSidhe]

can I like all of them? o.o

"there once was a man from Nantucket.. "

whats with all the pirate jokes... you trying to bash my religious views or something?