Child-free, Pregnancy or Shared Parenting?

[shwinggum]

If it were me, I'd get the meta, knowing there are always many more options regarding children. Also, considering what testosterone withdrawal does to you, I don't think pregnancy would be a good option. You've got to think about the estrogen going crazy when you're pregnant, which'll make it a thousand times worst...

[AlorenNS]

Life* The point is I think had I known more about alternate lifestyles and gender questioning and asexuality... I probably would have chosen not to have children or even be in sexual relationships at all. I just hope that more and more awareness spreads so people know they are not freaks just people. That being said I do cherish my children and try to make the best of my lfe as is.

[AlorenNS]

I am not exactly in an alternate parenting lifestyle but I am a parent. I have a 1 and 3 yr old. The second was very unplanned due to a failed vasectomy of my partner. I have actually come to identify as asexual myself and while I was never really into sex or had sexual attraction I had no idea asexuality was a valid orientation so I lived my lee as a heteronarmative person.

[icycoolliz]

One last thing, & i'm super sorry for writing so much!!! I just was thinking about it pretty deeply. I want also wanted to mention that this child would basically be like a melting pot of acceptance & enlightenment & there needs to be more people like that in this would. I mean you have the mixed nationality, the transsexual (i apologize if that is not the correct term!), the sexual orientations, & even the polyam! Plus your offspring will obviously be very attractive!! wheres the negative? lol

[icycoolliz]

Also with the disability, it is a factor, but if being a parent is important to you, you have to remember there are sooo many very succesful single parents, so everything more than you would just be icing on the cake for the child. If it you will still be able to get the bottom surgery after the pregnancy it is a good option especially in a poly parent situation where someone could help care for the child during recovery. you also do bottom surg. b4 preg. then historectomy afterwards.

[icycoolliz]

I think something to help you make your ultimate decision is to the of the consequences wether posative or negative. I'd have to say that I sway towards you carrying the baby & having a C-sec. It's possible to then take care of the child with just the 2 of you recognized as the parents or by sharing with the donor sperm couple. When it comes to what the child thinks about it's situation, wether its with a poly fam or just yall 2, i don't believe it would think it is at all strange.

[TheOneWingedBird]

Hmm... I have no advice on the whole pregnancy or adoption, or on raising kids because I am far too young to be a parent. But I must say one thing, and I hope it doesn't offend. I'm not sure about the "shared" parenting thing, because some kids are shy and don't like to hang around with lots of people. Also getting used to different standards with different people. But alas, this comes from a person who was a shy child, and most children are outgoing and friendly so it might not be a problem.

[prettysummergurl]

I don't have an answer but i understand as I am feeling very similar. My love go's to you and yours. Zoey !

[eawass]

what's with this irony - we'll give you free trans-related surgeries, but we don't support you adopting children.

[signoffs]

ill mail you some sperm if u want...

[drdoodle2006]

As a cisgender gay man, I assumed when I was younger I would never get married or have kids (growing up in a conservative Christian family, I assumed it would never be an option for me). Now, with the US moving forward in areas like Gay marriage and adoption, it seems it could be a reality for me, I really wanted it. But, I definitely am unsure I even WANT children.

It sounds like you are in a complicated situation. I wish you the best, and I know with time you will figure out! <3

[MicSkold]

Ok. You want a kid, and it's a complicated thing. I say power to you!

As someone who's trans and poly, who faces similar complications, I would say:

If you are ready to put that child before yourself and all your partners in everything, then you should have a kid. If you're not ready for that kind of selflessness, do not have a kid.

There are so MANY people in this world who don't put their children before themselves and their partner(s), and that is my biggest concern as someone who wants to

[yoyoyomilk12345]

I know I'm gonna have a kid one day... maybe when I'm 50 ya know? Do it when ever you feel the need to its just that, I'm one of those people who wants to see my own son or daughter or whatever my child wants to be, grow up before my eyes. I want to cherish my own child:). Its all up to you man;) take baby steps.

[VanEthics]

I'm not sure if anyone else has suggested it (or if it's even an option in Sweden like it is in the US) but what about private adoption or foster parenting?

[originalmiramar]

therefore, i think you should decide to spend the money for the egg storage and or a surrogate later in life and stop the nonsense, ur not going to get off testosterone on the off chance you might get pregnant. you dont seem to be in the right financial place to have kids, or quite frankly the emotional place. maybe eventually adoption will be available for you. as for the group thing, i think it sounds weird and selfish, why further isolate urself and ur children from society that way?

[originalmiramar]

well doesn't getting pregnant now involve stopping testosterone for months as well? what it is that you really want to do sir? is it feasible to have children now? are you putting off the surgery because you don't really want it right now or what? you probably should have considered this before you decided to go through the transition. you do have the right to your fertility, but you dont want ur reproductive organs anymore....

[originalmiramar]

i think children should be on the back burner for now, you need to sort out ur own issues first before you even consider a child. if i were you i would store my eggs and then consider the surrogacy issue later on in life. because you want the surgery and let's face it, having a kid is not practical for you right now; you cant deal with ur sick spouse, your own issues and a baby at the same time.

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@originalmiramar Thank you for your input. Storing eggs is not simple. It would require 1) stopping testosterone for a total of what would be at least 6 months 2) finding a fertility clinic nearby willing to work with a trans person 3) taking massive amounts of estrogen to induce egg production 4)an invasive medical procedure to have them removed 5) a vast sum of money that I don't have 5) and they would only be stored for 5 years

[ElisaBikes]

I've known couples in a similar situation who ended up co-parenting with friends -- having a friend's child in their home every other week. If you had friends or lovers with children who were open to the idea, it might be enjoyable for all parties. That kind of situation would give you and Simon the chance to parent while also being flexible for the times that he is unusually ill -- of course, you may BOTH really feel that you need a rest after having the child over!

[hejosvosv]

You're the best.

[PaintedRavensong]

Wow, I didn't know Sweden was so harsh on the adoption front. I'm so sorry to hear this. And I thought that WE were just backwards! You would make a fabulous parent. I'm hoping that somehow, someway it will work out for you and Simon. My partner and I would have loved to have been parents had we become a couple about 10 years ago. I'm a bit too old now. You don't have to have kids of course but if you feel those twinges in any way, listen to them. You will know the right decision. Hugs!

[ZeBeFruity]

any child would be lucky to have you both as parents

[stardel6]

I wrote you more not sure mine was useful.. Wow it's amazing how when we are young so much of it felt easy our dreams and all and it's not like we thought don't get me wrong some of it turns out so lovely other parts so hard I'm happy who I am today yes but still lot of hard times to get to able to say this

[stardel6]

You are wonderful I think you would be a wonderful parent.. I happen to be adopted my self and always wanted children it's hard tho also..

[thedancemetaltwins]

I was think about your situation all day, and I thought: If having a child can't be an option when it boils down to it, maybe you should adopt a pet? Pets are a great way to fill your need to nurture, and may be even therapeutic to your spouse as well. A dog would be an obvious choice for this situation, especially an older one that's already house-broken. Volunteering to help people or animals is a great way to fill that care giving void too. I hope this helps. :)

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@thedancemetaltwins You should see my video titled "Alfred Has 2 Daddies" :) Our dog, Alfred, turned 1 this May :) He really is wonderful and we love him to pieces. Your advice is spot-on, he has been great for all the things you've mentioned. Thank you for thinking of us!

[SeanJamesP]

What about having a friend (in the future) have the child then legally have you adopt the child. And go that way. Or leave the country? I know Sweden is probably one of the more open minded European countries. Once again this is thinking into the future and I haven't looked at all the other comments.

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@SeanJamesP Actually, if we use a sperm donor I can be the legal other parent. Sweden has an awesome law about that. Every child can have two legal parents and it doesn't matter what they're gender is or if they are biologically related. The birth parent decides who the other parent is. This is particularly awesome for lesbian couples who can designate "the other mother" as the other legal parent from birth. But it's the same for other couples using a sperm donor.

[SeanJamesP]

roflmao "I don't care we don't have to be friends." Oh my god I want to hug you. :D

[Zakabre18]

The only thing I'd worry about with shared parenting would be having no legal right to the child. That can cause huge issues.

Also, fuck anyone who tells you what you can and can't do with your body. If you choose to carry your child that's between you and your doctor. If I were in a situation where that was one of the only ways I could have a child, I'd probably do it too. What's most important is that you'd be a loving parent.

[Zakabre18]

I think shared parenting sounds like a really great option. I don't have any experience with parenting but I am incredibly close to my sister's children and spend a lot of time helping care for them. Extended caregiving networks for kids are great as long as all the people involved are trustworthy and responsible. Personally I think the more good, loving parents the better for the kids and as long as you're there from the get-go they will be as attached to you as their other caregivers.

[otursdag]

i live in sweden and i had no idea about this. i am ftm and also gay. so that means i can't adopt a kid?! i didn't know...

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@otursdag That's exactly what it means. You can try adopting as a single person and not disclose your sexual orientation and you choose to adopt a child with special needs. If you've had your person number changed and your past identity hidden, it might be possible. All the information about adoption in Sweden is available online so you can read the requirements yourself.

[Whitedoggy24]

I have no advice, but wanted to say I have the exact same dilemma swimming through my head daily. I'm pre-T, pre-op top and bottom, and this topic still bothers me the most because I always thought I'd be a parent, too. I'm glad you made a video about this. Also, there is this amazing new study about "female sperm" with lab rats. Who knows where that could lead us? check it out.

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@Whitedoggy24 I know some other trans people who are stuck where you are for the same reason. Could you message me the link to that study? Would be interesting to read!

[JunetheHomemaker]

I have almost 0 helpful advice on this subject, but I wanted to send you some comment love and support anyway! I myself have had a significant amount of ambivalence over having kids until recently, and now I have super-baby love syndrome. I think the bottom line is, if you want to have children, you can find a way that'll work for you. Good luck!

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@JunetheHomemaker Awww, June, thanks! :)

[SkidRowRadio]

well, choosing to have a baby is an inherenty selfish process. there is no kid in a pre-life waitin room beggin to be born. so with that perspective, i would say surrogacy is also pretty selfish. adoption fuckin rocks, but like you said you dont have that option. i would also say that since your partner has the terminal illness, it would also be selfish to adopt given that fact. you could be knowingly subjecting the child to a lot of grief when a parent figure dies early.

[SkidRowRadio]

@SkidRowRadio with all that being said, you seem to be someone that children could benefit from bein around. could you work in childcare? i mean beyond actually conceiving yourself or moving to a country that would allow you to adopt, you dont seem to have many options..

peace

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@SkidRowRadio Aw, thanks :) I've thought a lot about becoming an elementary(primary) school teacher at one of the English schools here.

[SkidRowRadio]

@sillyyetsuccinct it is a way to go. i mean i really like kids but im kind of an antinatalist, so i dont think i'll be having any, unless i adopt, but i have worked in kids homes for over 7 years and it definitely scratches that itch of wanting to contribute to the development of young people.

btw, the use of the word 'selfish' was not meant as a pejorative. tho i think you realised that, phew! : )

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@SkidRowRadio Woah woah woah he has CHRONIC illness, NOT terminal illness. Simon is not going to die from what he has. But, you know, anybody can die at any time. That's just part of life. But thanks for weighing in on the baby stuff :)

[roswellcactus]

I can't believe no one commented yet about the irony of surgery being free, yet you can't adopt. Interesting priorities in Sweden. Anyway, as someone with a chronically ill mother, I can't help, but think about Simon. I have seen how rough it is for my mom when my sister and I just go out and do things with my dad. How would you really feel if you couldn't be as involved with your husband's baby? Hang tough, though guys! I'd like to think that if it was meant to happen, you will find a way :)

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@roswellcactus It's legal for same-sex couples adopt, but the only adoption is international adoption (excellent social welfare + free, legal, accessible, unstigmatized abortion + affordable, unstigmatized contraception (free for teenagers) = no extra babies). None of the agencies in the countries that Sweden has adoption agreements will adopt to same sex couples.

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@sillyyetsuccinct But thank you for sharing about your mom. That gave me a lot to think about. I do have to think about what is fair to Simon too.

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@jasonlittlewolf Thanks! But the problem is that we're not ready for kids right now because Simon is unable to be a parent due to his illness, so would I need to find another partner to parent with...which means the guy with the sperm would also need to want to be a father.

[Zedie36]

i made a long, rambling and hopefully somewhat helpful private response video for you and simon to watch. i'll try to send it to you before i go to bed tonight. be well.

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@Zedie36 Thanks for your response video! It meant a lot to me :)

[seri0us]

I imagine that shared-parenting is difficult for the child. Just think about all those little kids of divorced couples. Children need structure in their lives, and being shared between two sets of parents and living with two sets of rules, etc would probably be confusing for the child and disrupt development.

[Winkfield]

We are child free by choice, our choice before we ever met. I have friends, family, neighbors, and they all have no problem letting me take care of their kids any time I like. I raised a friends child for most of his youth when I was much younger and think that was plenty enough!

[SandyStarchild]

and surrogacy is illegal in Sweden.

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@SandyStarchild Paid surrogacy is illegal, not voluntary surrogacy. But it is legal to pay for surrogacy in another country and bring the baby back to Sweden. Several Swedish gay men have used surrogates in the U.S. That is why it is so expensive.

[adrianldk]

I'm 34, an FtM, but not transitioning. But I'm child free because of other stuff in my life, and being child free has a lot of advantages. I do miss out on certain experiences that being a parent would have given me - but I have the freedom to experience so many other things that a parent can't. You just have to fill your life with something else, really. I'm certainly not saying "don't have kids", I'm just saying that being child free can be a good thing, if that's what you decide in the end.

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@adrianldk Thank you for sharing this!

[TwystedDreams]

Would private or out of country adoption be viable options? It seems to work for Angelina Jolie.

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@TwystedDreams All adoption in Sweden is "out of the country" but in order for the adoption to be legal the parents must be approved through a Swedish governmental agency.

[AleaFails]

Hi Warren, I'm a gay poly trans guy and I have a kid! My primary partner is a cis guy and we did the "old-fashioned" way before I started on hormones. Right now they are only one and a half so I can't ask how they're finding the experience so far. We aren't doing shared parenting but we do have some very willing babysitters! If you've got any questions feel free to ask away.

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@AleaFails Thank you so much for sharing! Where do you live?

[AleaFails]

@sillyyetsuccinct I live in British Columbia, Canada. And you're welcome!

[monzoon]

I would love to have kids too... but as in Sweden we cant adopt in Denmark too. and my husband have diabetes so we cant adopt.

We have looked into surrogacy, but we cannot afford that.

We do not want a "share" child with lesbians, we believe that would be too hard for the child. So for us its a no go for parenthood... sadly

[Larstable]

Anyway, if you want a child, if you have the means to give them what they need (time, money, affection, etc), and if you feel ready, I say go for it.

I think the worst side of this would be the pregnancy and the giving birth part... if you have the guts to go through that, you have my everlasting respect.

[Larstable]

I don't get why people who have commented think you don't want a child badly enough to have one. Seems to me you do desire having a child, but are prepared to accept the situation if it turns out you can't have one.

Also, things might change in the future, and maybe someday same sex couples will be able to adopt in Sweden? I was a bit surprised though, because I looked into studying/working in Sweden, and they made it sound like they're so open minded with lgbt related stuff...

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@Larstable Thank you for understanding the situation. I was a little confused by some of those comments too. It's legal for same-sex couples adopt, but the only adoption is international adoption (excellent social welfare + free, legal, accessible, unstigmatized abortion + affordable, unstigmatized contraception (free for teenagers) = no extra babies). None of the agencies in the countries that Sweden has adoption agreements will adopt to same sex couples.

[sillyyetsuccinct]

@Andi8Roses I'm 25 and my husband is 28. But like I said in the video, part of my reason for wanting to make a decision soon is because I need to have a surgery that will render me sterile.

[WhoaKaela]

My aunt and uncle never had children and they were perfectly happy. It seems kids are a change for some couples who get bored, but since you are poly, I would assume that wouldn't be an issue. Personally, I think having children when you don't truly desire them is irresponsible. Overpopulation is the Earths #1 problem. However, I understand some people might feel empty inside without their kids.