Narcissism in Relationships - Part 1: The Ego's Quest for Superiority

[ANTONZANESCO]

all of this is very true and interresting. however, we seem to need labeling at all costs. picasso was aperently narcissistic. being selfish does seem to have a creative edge.

certainly not individuals who fit in. positive or negative.

[MrROTD]

My brother is like this, he pushes gifts and favours on me but then he will take the gifts back or act like I owe him the world as soon as he can't have his way from me. He also will blame everyone else when it is him who madee the mistake. He also puts everyone else down to inflate himself just like you describe. I have some of the same flaws but the difference is I know I'm inferior is many ways to others and I know when my actions have caused hurt to others, he doesn't.

[laurierevill]

Can you compare and contrast narcissism and obsessive compulsive personality disorder, please? Thanks

[brelfan]

My mother was a narcissist. Ended up that she mainly lived in her bedroom, where she could get the respect she wanted, and absolute service, from my Dad. And she taught a class on how to get published for many years. Odd since she got handful of articles published in her life. I'm not sure my father was much less narcisisstic. He worked and brought her things and went off on his own with other women. Neither were capable of talking about anybody but themselves. And me? Relationship challenged.

[MsSSnow]

Sounds like Sociopath to me. Whats the difference?

[AllieEmet]

@MsSSnow I would also like to know the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath? Is it that the sociopath empathizes and the narcissist cannot?

[MsSSnow]

@AllieEmet I believe the narcissist has a conscience and the sociopath does not.

[AllieEmet]

@MsSSnow Ahh, I'll look into that. thx :)

[FoamKittyGamer]

@MsSSnow There are some similarities, although sociopaths tend to close themselves off from the world and can't interact with people (sometimes at all), and narcissists tend to grab all the attention themselves and are also self-indulged in their own "physical" appearance too.

Sociopaths don't care what they look like, and tend to have EXTREMELY poor hygiene.

[phlewis86]

I used to have a supervisor who was like this. Very self-centered person. She was so "superior" to everyone else. I never knew was was a name for this but now I know.

[Dassy0607]

In my studies i'm finding that sociapath/anti social disorder are very similar to this....how are they different. My situations sounds just like this but also like the other. Confused.....but understanding whats going on a ton better.

[hellomate639]

I've not even had a girlfriend yet, but whenever a girl I like has some sort of achievement over me or is better at something than I am, I get super upset about it. At first I researched inferiority complexes, thinking that that was the root cause. But those symptoms were defeatist. I have a tendency to outlandishly angry about it.

I then looked back into my past and saw some truly narcissistic actions...

I feel relieved to have found this. Being a narcissist hurts just as much, if not more.

[hellomate639]

@hellomate639

To continue, if you think that me thinking that the narcissist is often in more pain when it comes to inferiority points, I've contemplated suicide about it...

[MikaShelley99]

ooo very good! I remember once seeing a really nice paper by Kunda called 'The Self' where he assembles all the stuff written on the topic he liked, in one place. He talked about how the self is constructed, we do make it partly by comparing and contrasting ourselves with others. We don't just have to be good, but better than others, and making them appear worse in our eyes (eg by putting them down) can be a way to achieve this.

Nice vid, I liked this!

[uncreativeranter]

I was always chasing this girl & treading on eggshells around her that even her own mother had told me they do yet with all this explanation she still denies it she refuses to see it as she is hard wired that way as you say. I have never been broken down from a woman like that. A previous bf died with her & that upset her & her father abandoned the family but she didnt have to adopt a no sympathy blowfish superiority to cope with her insecurity & inferiority. I helped her & she used & abused me

[julieoo46]

I have just escaped. It's taking that first step that is the beginning! I have a Twelve Step fellowship in my life, I have Completed the Hoffman Quadrinity Process and I still managed, because I have abandonment issues, because I am needy, to land myself in this relationship! The beginning is so awesome but the cracks are visible from the start, I just refused to see, I thought I could make a difference! The lack of Human Empathy is the Big giveaway . Your Talks have saved my life.

Thank You !

[holyspiritgirl111]

I live with a narcissist and right now I'm in the process of dumping him. He is impossible! It has been the most draining, miserable 4 years of my life. It is always about him and he always wanted me to ACKNOWLEDGE everything. It was exhausting "praising" him all the time. He never felt appreciated enough. His demands to be complimented became unrealistic. And if I had any personal success somehow he would make it seem it wouldn't happen without him even when he had nothing to do with it.

[patriciacarrasco]

my mother is a narcissist and it has been absolutely DEVASTATING living w/ her! fortunately i seemed to be the "rebel" and had my eyes open to her and didnt let her control me too much as a child but my brother who's her favorite is completely controlled by her to the point where he has no life at all, and may be living w/her the rest of his life..i feel so bad for him and wanna help him but he is almost stuck to her..its demonic really how he cant let her go..:(

[tritonrocks]

There is no hope for a narcissist. Don't walk away - RUN - from the narcissist in your life. I have a friend whose wife was a nasty narcissist. Only once he realized his own value did he decide to leave her. He was married 20 years to her. Thank goodness we pre-planned every detail of his divorce. She tried every tactic to drag it out. It ended up costing him over $75,000 to divorce her - and he said it was worth every penny.

[indigoin0z]

is it better to suffer through a marriage/relationship KNoWING full well & being shown again and again you are not cared about, and keep the family together,

or

is it better to let-go, EVEN with children.

basically, is it easier to tolerate a narcissist in or out of a relationship -remembering KIDS are a big USE of PoweR to them???

almost 10+ years & i still to this day cant decide??

[emy601000]

It's treu, It's usually the nicest people that are the serant of this useless agressive people. Several narcists I have met, never want to meet them again.

Dónt agree borderline has some of the symptoms but narcism is worse.

.

[emy601000]

It's treu, It's usually the nicest people that are the serant of this useless agressive people. Several narcists II have met, never want to meet them again.

[MrNightshade69]

wow my ex to a tee

[CancerianCutie68]

OMG - I just ended a relationship with someone like this. This video was painful to watch because these I can relate to everything that was said here. Thank you so much for sharing this! I needed this!

[sydog11]

someone once told me i was a narcissit. so i went back to the mirror and i got the correct opinion lol

[chrisman737]

Thanks for this very complete and thorough video. I have a narcissist in my life (relative) though she is geographically at a great distance right now and my contact with her is limited (thank goodness). It is difficult, but this video helps bring understanding to the situation.

[narcishell]

I am 38yo male attractive with a University degree and 2 masters speaking 3 languages and with a curiosity about everything that makes this world tick and after 3 narcissists

in my life (father, best friend growing up and wife of 15 yrs-divorcing now) I ended up unemployed, feeling no good about anything -remarkably forgetting about everything I have achieved in my life so far and completely written them off my mind- no friends sitting

[narcishell]

in the house all day feeling guilty about being worthless. One day I woke up and somehow I knew this is all wrong. I 've started being proactive and after a lot of pain and faith in my instincts believing that there is a key to all of this I have eventually found it and now I am back baby. Alive and Kicking. I am still fighting and I think I will for a long time but I am winning. And you know what, if I am still here then anybody can get back.

NARCISSISM. If there is evil then this is it.

[evictingfaith]

This is My ex husband, climbing the rungs in professional racing and in my 18yr marriage. I was always amazed how he started getting more and more bitter and he always screwed up at work. He felt he should run the show with no experience and he climbed rungs brown nosing but m f'ed EVERYONE at home. He felt so entitled it was shocking. He blocked me out as I knew the true him after awhile. So he had many affairs with anyone to build his ego. He was such an ego maniac.

[Guitarstring187]

capitalism actually affects the levels of narcissism

[Here2ownU]

Thanks for sharing. It is painful when you love the Narcissist so much. I worked with my father, a man I always thought of as just difficult. However, once my book of business outgrew his, he fired me suddenly without explanation. He showed no emotion, simply said it was for the best. That was the moment I realized that "love" was not a part of his relationship with me. 39 years of my life wasted on him. Comforting to know through videos like this, it wasn't me. It's him.

[deeperrelationships]

@Here2ownU

So sorry to hear about this awful treatment from you dad. "Task oriented" people often show know 'relating skills' and appear heartless. They are all about 'the business at hand' and seem to not care about feelings. This is the way they are 'hard wired' and they are often puzzled by the way people react to them! I have known task oriented people who have to watch the faces of people in order to know what is going on...if she frowns, that means I have done something wrong,

[rdcatman]

Yeah, Right

Task Oriented

More like blind self-centeredness

[sahagosahago]

omg, ur talking about me best friend. i think that makes me the follower :) how about if im trying to make her fall in love with me, is it still that she is nacisstic?

[sahagosahago]

omg, ur talking about me best friend. i think that makes me the follower :) how about if im trying to make her fall in love with me, is it still that she is nacisstic?

[deeperrelationships]

I'm sorry that you have to divorce someone you love. It is so sad that he doesn't know how to return your love. Narcissist often end up old and alone having never known real love. He cannot see himself at all and will always be RIGHT..."blame" is not in his vocabulary. Feeling insane, in this type of relationship, is pretty typical! Good luck to you and be real careful not to fall back into the same trap!

[lisaskel10]

This is my husband, exactly. This is why we are divorcing! To live with someone like this makes you feel that you are insane. I love him but this NPD is to much for me to handle. He will share in none of the blame. He has done nothing wrong. This video gives me much validation. thank you.

[lmollot]

PROFESSIONALS AND EDUCATED PEOPLE BELIEVE ONLY THEY KNOW SO THEY SHOULD RULE-they rage violently tantrum if they dont get their excess money-so they call all workers and single mothers who want equality ,as drug addicts

[rocketsFOReveryone]

About cats: cats haven't a narcissism, but they have defensive aggression that is in appearance similar, but in fact - different things.

[SwobyJ]

@rocketsFOReveryone It can be argued, I believe, that narcissism in itself is very much defensive aggression, often born from things like an abusive/entitled (with my ex it seemed to be both) childhood, etc. Problem is, as humans, we don't *have* to be this simplistic and 'beastial', and should be able to move beyond these behaviors :(

[ascend2luv]

the only point you mention that doesnt sit well with me re autistics - i've 2 autistic children who're loving, sensitive and empathetic, i believe the difference lies in ego whose job is to protect the self by limiting to socially acceptable behaviour by seeking external approval/validation - my kids struggle preferring 2 be true 2 themselves than please others. this shouldnt be confused with narcissim.

[ascend2luv]

ive seen both narcissm and autism, there is a big difference. Its helped me to help my children by finding things THEY want to do they thrive. Traditional teaching methods dont really work. i quote ""Instead of always harping on a man's faults, tell him of his virtues. Try to pull him out of his rut of bad habits. Hold up to him his better self, his REAL self that can dare and do and win out!"

[ascend2luv]

this is good stuff, i had a relationship with an N, i was lucky as i sensed the losing of the self and didnt like it - i searched for self realisation and i did a lot of work on my own ego i not only saw his narcisism, also recognised traits in myself, i believe i was divinely guided. He saw love as weakness, a tool to get what he wanted from others. I appreciate the experience as I have grown from it.

[ascend2luv]

i agree about letting go, of not only the toxic relationship but trying to figure out how/why I got involved with him- he came to me as a victim saying he was a nice guy who was always used by women - it was a deception- although he did believe his own lies, his ego warped his view of reality, he would argue black was white. He never said sorry or admited he was wrong.

[ascend2luv]

i believe that everything in life happens for a reason, i learned a lot about myself from this toxic relationship, it was an invaluable tool for my own spiritual growth. I appreciate the experience and I am a much stronger complete, wiser and happier person today. I feel sorry for him, he's a victim of his own ego. He cannot feel love or allow emotions other than fear/anger. The N is the true victim.

[jagara1]

I think what you are saying is great. I have tended to be co-narcissistic and realising that I can simply avoid narcissists has been one of the best lessons.

By the way I had a good chuckle when hubby jumped up at the end after she clicked her fingers ;)

[luckylangerie]

i am caring for someone who is verbally abusive sometimes and dependent on me. I think hes slightly narscisstic but Very lost and self destructive.Sometimes he introspects but hes simply afraid to do so.He loves his family but when drunk is agressive.He cant bear ot be alone.He ries to hang himself sometimes.I dont know what to do because I would like him to pull himself together so I can have my own life.

[ferns1976]

Well you have to leave. Its amazing that girls just dont get this. Life is not complex. Heres the deal. In 20 years, you will be saying the same thing living the same sad life. All the good things you like about him will be better from a distance, and if you can actually stay strong willed in your next relationship you have a chance to have some real happiness. stop worrying about him. hes not gonna hang himself, and he will never change (with you, and theres nothing you can do about it).

[sephatta]

@ferns1976 , no, life is not so simple. Life is a very complex endeavor- if it were simple, then we wouldn't need to study each other and our past to understand who we are. The fields of psychology, sociology and anthropology would not exist.

[sephatta]

@ferns1976 While you have a point, that the person will not change to suit their partner and continuing the cycle will only result in unhappiness: BUT you can't give people a standard answer and expect them to follow it, no matter how much sense it makes to you, because you aren't them- they have to come to their own solution in their own time, and it is the role of the counselor to help them find the healthiest solution that works for the client.

[sephatta]

@ferns1976 Let me say- I wholeheartedly agree that leaving would be the best thing for luckylangerie. My point is that she has to come to that conclusion on her own, when she's ready. And who knows- I've seen people change somewhat. Sometimes (though rarely), compromises are met and good things can happen.

[Eaglewolfespirit]

The 2 of you are AMAZING! And THANK YOU for doing this! I see no where to communicate with you except through here, at this point I don't even know who you are! I have listened to ALL 6 videos on narcissism and how insightful & helpful you are! I have been in a relationship with an "N" for 3.5 years, and spent the last 1.5 years learning what is going on! We recently seperated phyically, but (at least for me) not yet in my heart. Many important facts you have pinpointed, and you have helped me!

[deeperrelationships]

Leting go is not a once-for-all-time act that you perform. It's something you do in the present moment as soon as you realize that what you are clinging to is hurting you. The more often you can let go of a hurtful thing in the present moment, the easier it gets to do it when you realize it's what you need to do. The human body is pretty good at dealing with physical ailments as long as the mind isn't working against the process. Get healthy, stay healthy and let go of what's hurting you.

[Samua3]

Thank you so much for taking time to reply. I appreciate it very much. I can't believe how much I have been crying today! I really thought I was okay and loving him safely but apparently not and the thought of the ultimate release is like being asked to have a hysterectomy - like removing a nurturing and valuable part of my body, of who I am. And he is like a ...OMG I have just realised! I have a fibroid! Metaphysical manifestation? Dr said may need a hysterectomy!! Strange! Now back to How

[Samua3]

I haven't cried for some time over him. Our contact since he left is regular because of the children - in that if I retain a friendly contact with him he backs off from wanting to see the children so I have to do this to keep them safer. But I have just sat here sobbing because you have described it all so perfectly. SO exact! But because I somehow still love him I feel hopeless and lost. He is like a little lost boy with no ability to feel real joy and warmth. I feel trapped! Help? x

[deeperrelationships]

As you said, "he is like a little lost boy with no ability to feel real joy and warmth." I think he is the one who is trapped. But if you can't let go, you're trapped too. The good news is, he isn't keeping you trapped - you are. And you can change that by letting go. It's fine that you still love him, but let it be the kind of love that wishes him well and releases him and you completely from your former relationship. Rebuild your life (without him) and you won't be hopeless or lost.

[EbonyCowGirl]

interesting. i know firsthand that being with a man like that can really mess up a woman's life. they always have you second-guessing yourself, and cannot really show love. i had man tell me that he is "emotionless" and "insensitive". i had not idea what that meant. well thanks 4 ur help!

[deeperrelationships]

(Continuing) Ego Identification keeps you from discovering who you really are. You are so convinced that your ego-driven thoughts and behaviors are YOU that you build defenses around them, strengthening your ego, and putting up walls whenever your behaviors are challenged. The male ego can make intimate communication very difficult, because ego identification keeps other people from getting too close.

[EbonyCowGirl]

what is "EGO IDENTIFICATION"?

[deeperrelationships]

Ego Identification is when I assume that my ego is my true identity. So let's say I have an ego reaction to my partner, and I say something really judgmental and hurtful to her. She confronts me about the hurtful comment. If I identify with my ego reaction, I will be likely to defend what I said or did, because I identify my ego reaction with ME. People who continually find their identity in their ego reactions tend to build very strong egos.

[deeperrelationships]

(Continuing) On the other hand, people who can listen, be present, and get it that ego reactions dont necessarily reflect their true feelings, have the ability to drop their defenses and become vulnerable. They have the ability to learn and grow, and break out of their ego defensiveness.  The path to your true self requires that you step back and really look at some of your reactions, and realize they arent who you really are.

[deeperrelationships]

(Continuing) Big ego males tend not to change for two reasons. First of all, they tend to be very caught up in ego identification. Secondly, they often suffer from low self-esteem. This is a prescription for rigid thinking, the inability to listen, and the tendency to continually defend and reinforce their self-defeating (and relationship-damaging) behaviors.

[deeperrelationships]

(Continuing) Big ego males are often very competitive. If they feel like someone is showing them up or making them look bad, they can get very antagonistic, defensive, and often react with some kind of attack (verbal or sometimes even physical). It is very hard to get people like this to change.

[deeperrelationships]

(Continuing) Big-ego people often walk around with an attitude of superiority. Often it is a mask for low self-esteem. If they say and do things to make themselves seem better in comparison to others, it temporarily eliminates the feelings of inferiority and makes them feel superior. Big ego people often feed their egos in attempt to fill the void caused by low self-esteem.

[deeperrelationships]

(Continuing) People with high self-esteem like basically like themselves and feel good about themselves. Many big-ego people have low self-esteem. They often get very judgmental of others, and say & do things to tear them down. This can come from jealousy or a sense of inferiority. If they negatively judge another person, or tear them down, it's a way of making themselves feel superior by comparison.

[deeperrelationships]

(Continuing) The more you identify with it the bigger it gets, and the harder it becomes to let go of the thoughts, behaviors and reactions that betray who you really are and sabotage your life. Self-esteem is pretty simple. It is the sense that you are genuinely worthy. People with high self-esteem tend to have a deep self-confidence; not necessarily in their skills and abilities, but in their basic sense of integrity (relative to their value system).

[deeperrelationships]

(Continuing) One of the reasons it's so hard for people (especially males) to let go of reactive behavior is they want to defend and preserve their habits and reactions. So the "male ego" gets bigger and bigger, and tends to take over. Who is the real "ME?"... a very good question. A topic for future videos. But Ego is definitely not who I am. It is a false identity made up of thoughts, behaviors and reactions.

[deeperrelationships]

(Continuing) It's not the "real ME." But it is easy to identify ego as "ME." If I react negatively to something you say or do, I might say "you make me so mad!" It's probable that I just had a knee-jerk reaction when I got mad. Was it "ME" who got mad, or was it a reaction? As soon as I start defending the reaction, I give energy and identity to EGO by claiming it as "my action."

[deeperrelationships]

No. Many big-ego people have very low self-esteem. What is generally referred to as "EGO" is what most people refer to as "ME." It is all the likes, dislikes, desires, impulses, motivations, etc that can drive your thoughts and behavior from moment to moment.

[EbonyCowGirl]

is ego the same thing as self-esteem?? especially when it comes to a man. that's always been confusing to me.